One Official Day, And An Exercise In Loverdom

A dear friend and fellow teacher (or ex-fellow seeing as I am not teaching right now) sent me a question from her PD that posed a question about what it means when a Student shows a lack of respect/is disruptive in your classroom. It made me think - for two days and I'm not necessarily happy with what I have come up with. So, of course I have to write it down here...

Oh, and Angela finally got the boot on PR. Thank God! Now we just need to get rid of that idiot Vincent...

My response:

So, I have been thinking and thinking about your exercise and I think I have trouble with the word "disruptive"... when used re: the student, I think we are talking about a lack of respect - or outwardly disrespectful behavior right? Because I think lovers should be disruptive in the sense that they shake things up. I think that lovers should push all of your buttons and make you grow and think and change for the better. I think that the idea that there is that perfect person for you is scary because if they are perfect then why do they need you? So, if we are talking about when a Lover shows a lack of respect (I think that is what you were suggesting) then my response might be thus....

When a lover shows a lack of respect they are sending you a message that I think can be one of two things (and they are not necessarily mutually exclusive). I think that it can mean that they no longer hold you - the idea of you - in that untouchable space that should only be reserved for you.

I think that a lover should always have a place reserved for them within their partner that is a step beyond the rest of the world... a place where your feelings are something sacred, a place that is inconvenient to find sometimes but always worth it, a place filled with your love for them and your wellbeing and your desires...

I also think when they are disrespectful it can be a sign that something is going wrong for them - something that they are having trouble understanding, dealing with, or denying that is attacking that place where they hold you so dear... I do think that when that space is invaded by whatever the outside force it signifies that a choice has been made. That space is only up for invasion when it is allowed to be and that choice, to not put you first, is... well this is where I get stuck. What does that choice mean? Do they just not love you any more? Has the love changed? Can they still love you and let that space get damaged?

It seems the answer is much more complicated than I thought it may ever be. Or, maybe I am too eager to make excuses and I am just being foolish... what do you think?

Ahhh love, what a fine mess I have made of it of late.

Nervous Nelly... And I Still Have Sore Feet!

When I said I wanted to curse those damn Italian Shoemakers I wasn't kidding. I have literally been hobbled by an expensive new pair of dress shoes. As a result I have been wandering around Manhattan in the rain in sandals because the backs of my feet are so sore. Right, enough complaining about it.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. So much so that I don't think I am going to get much sleep tonight. I have to make an appearance in court. This is an entirely new thing for me. The landlord that subleased my store's property to me is... well, let's just say not terribly grounded in morals or ethics. As I hear many New York landlords are. So, we are having a bit of a dispute. The resolution of which will determine how soon I get to relocate and how fabulous it is going to be (it's all about money of course). Clearly I am in the right and let's just hope that the judge thinks so as well. Fingers crossed.

I started to introduce the cast of characters that I worked with at my old school and as it turns out I had dinner with a former colleague this evening. We had been out of touch for about six months or so because of various drama in both of our lives and it was amazing to re-connect. She is one of the very few teachers that I encountered in my time at my old school that has my undying admiration and complete respect when it comes to teaching. She did an amazing job when the odds were clearly stacked against her. So as with all conversations involving more than one teacher the conversation eventually turned to our old haunt and wow, I almost begin to forget some of the madness and then it all comes rushing back to me... I will have to introduce more cast members soon.

For now I would like to comment on a story posted on one of my fav blogs (towleroad). The story is about an Inn in Meade Kansas and if you have not heard of what is going on there please read this
and then the update on today's Towleroad talks about how Fred Phelps and his gang of fucking nutjobs was protesting in front of this Inn recently. I tell ya there is nothing, absolutely nothing that disgust me more that than piece of shit Fred Phelps. What a son-of-a-bitch. He is one of the very few people on this planet that I sincerely wish would just drop dead.

However, as a result of his little Crazy Protest I am actually considering a short vacation to Meade Kansas to stay at this Inn and spend some serious cash there to support them. This is a straight couple who have taken up a very big fight and I think that the gay community should organize a big, no huge trip en masse to Meade Kansas to spend lots of money at this Inn and make it hugely successful. Anyone who is interested in going is welcome to email me here and we can work out details. I'll make the arrangements... I'm not kidding... let's go!

So in honour of the Westboro Baptist Church and Fred Phelps here is a picture of a hot gay guy that I would love to do a bunch of sinful things to.

Okay, It Has Begun... And My Feet Are Bleeding

Finally, I am officially paperworked and processed and all set to be working away at my shiny new job. I walked around the offices on Friday with the biggest grin on my face - I kept thinking to myself "Try not to look like a complete idiot" over and over again. I hope it worked. Although I really am not sure. It's all a bit of a blur. Mostly because by the time I was half way through introductions I realized that the new shoes I had just purchased to go with my black suit were now past the point of giving me blisters and were now just cutting into my flesh. Curse those fantastic Italian shoe designers!

I do think I am going to get along with my co-workers fabulously though so that is exciting. Apart from my own staff at my store I have not had a great deal of luck with cool and upbeat co-workers.
Take for example the random assortment of crazzies that comprised the staff of my school in the South Bronx. Here are just a few:

1. Head Crazy and Generally Abusive/Manipulative Woman

So, I am all for people who want to excel in their careers and really try to get ahead as quickly as possible, but when your main motivation is "I want to make $100 000.00 by the time I'm 30 no matter what." then chances are you are going to be a bit bankrupt in the morals department. The individual will creep under, crawl over, step on, or set aside anyone that sits between her and the $$'s. That is of course unless it means doing something right just because it is the right thing to do - then she's typically "in a meeting".

2. Most Completely and Totally Crazy Person I Have Ever Met

There are not even words to describe this one.... This is just the best example of who he is. I was working on the computers in his classroom and popped in just at the start of class to install a cable - hopefully with little or no disruption. As I entered the room the students were all huddled over in one corner and quickly looked at me and whispered "Shhhh. Mr. Crazy is sleeping - he's not feeling well." and sure enough over on the other side of the classroom, laying on the floor, was Mr. Crazy! Fully asleep.

Oh the cast of characters involved in that place. I will have to introduce more here soon.

On the fun side, I brought home a cute British boy last night. After an evening of wine and antipasto on a patio I headed off to the bars with my friend and immediately was drawn to this tall lanky Brit. We hit it off and ended up heading back here to my place for an evening (or should I say early morning?) of fun. I could listen to that accent all day.... yum.

So, it's cloudy and gray and I am lazing about my pad. The pic is my mood to a "t".

Ack! Can You Believe It?

After being nervous for the entire weekend and still yesterday I finally got all dressed up in my finest couture and headed off to my first day at what really is quite a dreamy job... and guess what??? The individual who was supposed to sit and fill out all of the requisite paperwork with me had called in sick. I was devastated. Of course I had to put on such a happy face and say "Oh, no problem, I'll get in touch with her over the phone and we can reschedule... blah blah blah". I was so excited and it felt so good and then nothin'.

So, I guess I get to be excited about it all over again tomorrow and I will just pretend that that is my first day.

It's weird that way cause this seems to have a habit of happening to me. Take for example my very first job here in NYC... After moving here from Vancouver I was all bright eyed and unsuspecting as I made my way to the South Bronx (had never been before) to the school that I was assigned to. As I road the bus the short distance from the subway stop I passed burnt-out buildings, tons of garbage everywhere, and I quickly realized that I was indeed the only white person that I has seen for some time. I realize now how odd that seems and I can hardly believe it but it happened.

Anyhow, I get to my school and make my way to the main office where I find the other recruits gathering. The meeting had just begun and the principal notices me looking a little confused as I did not receive my snazzy welcome back (full of illegible photocopies and other useless garbage) and he says "and you are?". I responded with my name and he looked puzzled.... "and you are here for...?".

Well it turns out that he completely forgot hiring me and didn't have the slightest clue who I was. Not a clue! This despite the fact that we had spoken numerous times in the weeks leading up to this day and throughout all of our conversations he had no idea who I was. What and idiot! And to think that this was the best impression he gave to any of us. It was all down hill with him from there. Way down hill - a steep hill.

So, let's hope that today's little mishap is not going to be anything like my introduction to the wonderful and fantastic NYC Board of Education. God, it can't possibly be that bad.

For just a moment I would like to reflect on yesterday's pic... that one is gonna be hard to top. Possibly the hottest I have ever seen on any blog (not to brag or anything). Of course today's is good too as I continue with a streak of my ideal physical fantasies. Here's hoping.

What an Odd Day...

A million things going on today and I didn't even go into work. I just couldn't sleep in as hard as I tried this morning and so I spent some time posting some old stereo equipment and electronics from my old office on e-bay. That whole place is a little fishy to me... so many people with so much crap to unload.

So, it was a quick trip to the gym and then a friend and I spent an hour or so soaking up some sun in Battery City Park. It's this beautiful little sliver of green on the southern tip of Manhattan. Gorgeously manicured lawns and a little bit of cruisy fun going on. Cute guys in swimsuits sweatin it up in the sun. Always my favorite (see pic above).

Then it was back home to take care of some business. I had to officially resign from the old/new job so I can get ready to start the new/new job tomorrow morning. I am excited and nervous... maybe that's why this day seems weird. So, I capped it off with an episode of Sex in The City that makes me cry at the end. What a pussy eh? It's the one where Trey comes in to pose for the H&G shoot even though he has just told Charlotte that the marriage is over. I just love when he tells her "this is important to you so I want to do it". Ah, where are those guys? Seriously. Where is a guy who can talk about the world from an informed point of view, who can joke about the nonsensical things that fill up our lives, who loves beautiful clothes/shoes, who wants passion? Ah, what am I thinking?

And now where am I? Sitting here thinking about all of that and anticipating tomorrow and knowing that a big day is coming up on Wed. and I will not be able to be a part of it... can't talk about that now.

Questions questions questions - I guess it's all a little much eh?

Something Has Shifted....

Like We Never Loved At All



God Damnit! I am so Faith Hill in this video it's pathetic... and I'm not even a country music fan. I had such a great day walking around Manhattan in the sun. I went to my garden, did some shopping, bought several pairs of shoes I so don't need, and just generally looked fabulous and then it all went downhill.

I have a bit of spare time on my hands and what do I end up doing? Thinking about The Ex. Fucker Fucker Fucker! I'm pissed at him, and at myself for still being pissed at him.

It's odd though - something has shifted about all of this. I felt it yesterday while recovering from my nasty night out Friday evening. Something is different about all of this. I knew if the moment I woke up and even though I'm not sure what it is yet I know there is something there... I don't like it.

I've decided on no contact with The Ex whatsoever for now. For now that seems best because every time there is contact it is like torture because I hear things like "I miss us so badly" and "I miss our life together..." and of course I miss it too. But, while he is saying that to me he is dating another guy! I know, makes me sounds ridiculous but it is much bigger than that and after 10, yes Ten years together it is fuckin difficult to extract yourself from something that has so become a part of how you identify yourself. Sounds odd and I know it, but that's the way it is... anyway I feel like Faith (and not just because of the fabulous hair and wardrobe).

I Got It! And Then I Got Drunk...

Okay so some celebrating was in order yesterday as I finally got an offer from the job that I had been after for the past few months. I got it - it's good - I start next week..... YAY!

I do feel bad about one thing though. The DM who recruited me for the job that I have been working for the past few weeks worked so hard to get me and the company literally created a new position in order to bring me on. She is very talented and driven and I admire that and was looking forward to working with her. I think we shared similar visions. So, having to tell her that I was jumping ship after such a short time was not the most pleasant thing. But true to form she did not take it personally and hope that we would remain professional contacts for the future. I was very impressed. She has got class ( a somewhat rare commodity these days).

So I am totally excited and can't wait to get into it. Of course this means another round of training for me (most of it redundant) but that is totally fine and I will work through it with a huge smile on my face.

Back to the celebrations. Well, my friend and I had some yummy cocktails here at home and then headed out to the bars last night. Things may have gotten a little out of hand here and there but it was all in good fun. Note I didn't say "good clean fun"... Yeah, I think we got a little dirty. Everyone needs to now and then. I am a bit foggy on the details but I do remember a guy with the tightest little butt I have ever laid hands on...

Needless to say we are taking it easy tonight and hopefully heading out to see The Illusionist.

What I would love more than anything is to head to the beach (see pic above) but I think they are saying rain for NYC tomorrow. That always means a day indoors... bummer.

A Blast From The...

I heard from an old friend today.... someone that I have only actually seen in person three times in over a decade but we have managed to stay in touch off and on. We check in and even when I go a long time without hearing from her I know she is out there working hard at her school and raising wonderful and insightful children. She is very lucky in my books and I am glad to have known her for so long. It was so nice to have a hello waiting in my email from her after not being in touch for a while. Just a nice surprise.

So, I am on pins and needles as I await the new job offer and I cannot stop thinking about it. There will be some much deserved celebration this weekend if it all comes together. I went to the gym this aft. to try to work some of the tension off and only managed to strain my neck a little. I know, I know whine whine whine... well it hurts. On the brighter side I saw one of the totally hot trainers coming out of the shower and he just has the finest abs I have yet to see... and he is working a really nice tan to boot.

In other news I am deeply disappointed in the outcome of this evenings Project Runway. How could they vote off Allison over Vincent? I know that the producers like the crazies to stick around for controversy and ratings, and she did botch the dress but come on! She was so talented. Bummer. And following PR my Bravo guilty pleasure Workout... what can I say? Jackie is a bonehead for spending two days with Mimi let alone four years. Mimi is chronically insecure and really such a child. I find her embarassing to watch which is why of course this whole episode was about her. Lose her Jackie, you can do better (although showing up for a date dressed like a dude probably isn't going to help right?).

The pic - here's to friends popping back up to say hello.

You Gotsta Know...

So, I just love this site... Overheard in NYC It makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and if you read yesterday's post I needed to laugh today. I wanted to just get out and enjoy New York City a bit so I spent a few hours at my garden. I grow flowers, veggies, and other edibles for a client in Flatiron on her terrace on the 15th floor. I find it to be so therapeutic... I was busy for hours just re-potting and trimming my trees and veggies. I am prepping the florals for Fall so I have begun planting Mums and these big Canna lillies that have stunning red blossoms on them. I've been doing it for years and this venture was really my first in NYC and was the launching pad for the renovations and remodeling business that I have been running on the side for the past four years. It keeps me busy.

The afternoon here was gorgeous and when I finished at my garden I wandered down to Union Square and sat on the big steps for a while in the fading sunlight. Really a very quiet moment in what is so often such a noisy city to be in. I got a chance to reflect a little bit and think about how much I love being here. I have always thought of NYC as such a sexy city and it is, especially on days like today.

Okay so back to the laughing... well below is an excerpt from the Overheard site and it so reminded me of my teaching days. I had many a day when students would just flat out say "Yo, Mista, what are you?" They were asking about my ethnic make-up. So after adressing the Yo, Mista mistep (totally not tolerated in my classroom) I would explain that I am British, Dutch, and Scottish... basically as white as it gets right? They always got a laugh out of that. It's a barrier that always seemed a breeze for me to overcome and yet is so pervasive everywhere in the US.

Here's the quote.... more after

Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin' a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I'm a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin' like the fuckin' president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don't know shit about livin' in New York.

I didn't realize how Big race was here until I had lived here for a little while. Canada has no history of racial tensions (at least nothing on the scale of this country) and so it seems to pass without much notice there. Being Gay for that matter is just not such a big deal there either. Sometimes that makes me miss home a little... but man, I love New York. What I need right now is a big fun weekend out on the town. Maybe get into a little trouble perhaps? Maybe something like the pic above...?

Must it be?

I am exhausted. Not because it was a particularly gruelling day at work or anything like that... I received an email from The Ex, and with all that is involved in responding to it and working through everything that accompanies that including tears and all it has left me spent.

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man. Things took a wrong turn somewhere and we broke up earlier this year. What kills me is that as wrong as what he did was I still love him dearly... hence the tears. I realize that letting it go is what I must do. It is not what I want to do but I am resigned to the fact that this is what he wants and therefore it must be. I have never experienced anything on this scale when it comes to having my heart completely broken. He was everywhere in me and having to realize that there is soon a time approaching when I will not be in touch with him, not get to hold his hand, hot get to do any of the myriad things we did together... well it almost seems like more than I can bare.

In brighter and less emotional news I am one step closer to getting the job I have been hankering for for some time now. I started with the company that made me an offer a few weeks ago but this one is like the mother ship calling me home. I want this job bad and I will know by the end of the week if I have it or not. Wish me luck.

I also wanted to post a little something here about an experience I had recently at Whole Foods in Manhattan. Having registered my complaint through the proper channels with no response I am finding the need to get a little more public with what happened to me.

After having grabbed just a few thing for dinner the other night I approached a cashier and as I got closer to her I heard her say, as she leaned over to the cashier next to her, "Why does that faggot keep staring at me?" Can you believe it? Of course I immediately spoke with a manager and also emailed the CEO (who has a blog - but it is moderated to filter out any unsavory comments of course) and nothing.... no response whatsoever. So, Whole Foods you can just Fuck Off! and if any of you who read this feel the need to voice your displeasure with Whole Foods please do so.
Thanks.

The pic is very much my state of mind as I try to get to sleep tonight.

Okay Okay so it's work... what did I expect?

What can I say about being back at work. I like it. I like being back doing something I am good at. I like being busy, although the past few months have been anything but dull. There is something I don't like about it though... and I know what it is. I don't like where it is. My immediate supervisor is great and she works incredibly hard and she has amazing energy but there are challenges involved. Not that I'm not up for the challenges, I love being challenged. Hence staying in the South Bronx as a teacher for five years.

I think a big part of it is still adjusting. I got used to working for myself and setting my own goals for a while and enjoyed it so much. It makes it tough to be back in the thick of it... I dunno I need to process this a little bit more because as I write here I am getting a little more confused about my first impressions.

In other news, I saw The Man in a Suit today. I stopped by his work and we chatted for a bit. I was exhausted from work and we went for a quick walk and he made a point of mentioning that I always seem to have a big smile on my face. I tell you, he does it. God he makes me... well you know. I love it!

Back to the grindstone tomorrow and hoping that it is a bit more rewarding, although I sense that is a while off. Of course I got a callback from the ultimate gig that I interviewed for earlier in the week. I missed the call and returned it only to have to leave a voice message. I'm super nervous and want good news in a big big way. Keeping my fingers crossed.

The pic is a toast to sexy men in divine suiting.... bravo Gucci.

A Working Man's Life

I am so ready to start work tomorrow. I am still keeping my options open for a few weeks as another offer is coming in... one that I really want. We'll see. After everything I just want to get moving on any job. I was getting desperate and a little stir crazy to boot. I just need to be moving on something. I don't do very well when it comes to just sitting around and waiting for things. Not that I am impatient, I just get so ancy about new things and don't like to wait. Especially so after moving back in to my apartment. I've put a bunch of my old electronics on ebay and hope I can unload them there. Very much a facelift kind of thing going on here. It's not easy though. I get upset when I think of what was lost in doing this and the fact that The Ex is no longer around. I imagine it will tough for a long time to come. I've been staying busy trying to combat all of that and was hoping to go out to Bryant Park tonight to see the movie there. It is so cool to sit in the park and watch an old movie on this giant screen with everyone on blankets and towels.. It's very evening picnic like.... but they are forecasting rain! I am still going to head up there and see what transpires.

So after a bit of a break posting here due to the moving back in and getting settled I will have lots to process through when I get home from the first day at work tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

What a Day, What a Night, What a Day...

So I will start with good news... and congratulations me! My job offer finally came through and with a few more perks than I was originally expecting in the first offer. I will be starting with this new company on Monday and might I just say Thank Whoever cause I was about to lose it in the job hunt category.

Of course when it rains it pours right? On the day I get an offer another headhunter calls and wants me to come in for another interview. I'll go and see what they have to say. It can't hurt right?

In other news, I am finally back in my gorgeous apartment. I love this place and being away for the summer was hard. It was by choice though. I was having serious trouble staying healthy in terms of the breakup and all of the negativity that was created there so I sublet the place for June and July and went on the road basically. I have to say that it was an adventure and some friends were more hospitable than I could possibly have imagined. Their willingness to open up their homes for me when I am struggling through such a difficult time has been an amazing thing and I will always be indebted to them.

It feels good to be back here now though. It is still hard and I can sense The Ex everywhere. A part of me wants him here and knows that it doesn't feel quite right without him near me. Last night was particularly tough as I was going through closets and making room for new things... throwing away some of the old. I miss him - tremendously.

But, tomorrow is another day and I am heading out to the gym in the morning and going to water the garden that I keep for a client uptown. It is this cool little thing that I have been doing for years. I grow most of her food for her as she has very specific dietary needs. I love doing it and she needs it done so it works out really well. I think it's the farm boy in me that enjoys it so much. It is nice to keep something green alive in this city that is so much concrete and pavement.

I'm gonna try to get some more sun tomorrow too if the extreme heat does not deter me. I love laying out in my new swimsuit and working on the tan.

I am trying to relish sleeping in right now especially with thoughts of heading back to work... hence the pic.