It's All About Observation...

So, I spent a few days back in Ontario visiting family and really had a wonderful time. It was rush rush as usual, but it was good to see everyone, including a few friends that I have missed dearly. My grandparents continue to make it through and they are somewhat of an inspiration. So much so that I spent the hours driving and on the plane thinking a lot about where things are headed and where they have been.

I haven't written here for a while because I honestly feel like I have not had much to say. I was starting to feel really stuck and didn't know where it was coming from. That was until I sat down on my mini vacay to work on a questionnaire that I friend devised for the purpose of looking back over the past year and also ahead to this new one. The questions were thoughtful and writing a response gave me some pause. I have been needing to re-evaluate what is going on for me and where it is headed for the past few months and I think that is why I have been stuck. I haven't been able to get a grasp on it.

There need to be some changes. See what happened was that I stopped believing that I could do it. That I could get back on track and get those things I have lost over the past year back in one form or another. I stopped believing that I could... that I was strong enough. I'm a little ashamed of that. That has just never happened before. I have always been so headstrong and determined to get things that I set my mind out to get.

I just got knocked down. Hard. And getting back on my feet hasn't been easy. It occurred to me while I was driving through the snow in the Ontario countryside that I just stopped believing in me for a little while. Realizing that made me sad. It made me want to pull over and give myself a big slap in the face.

How could I do that? How could I let that happen to me? What a sad feeling that was. But right behind it, was resolve, and another realization - that I recognize what happened now and I have started to figure out why I have been feeling so stuck - so unable. And I'm not.

It was a good trip. Mostly because I opened a new door to a new/old me and that feels good.