A Disturbing Development...

So, I am just feeling unsettled by the events of the past few days... I am generally a very private person and tend to keep whatever it is I am going through to myself (save for this blog I guess).

I guess it all started with a horoscope I read a few days ago. Yes, I read them fairly religiously. I don't know why really - just looking for some direction I guess. One of them said something along the lines of "you may try to be squeeky clean as a new car, but that rusty tailpipe you are dragging around ins bound to cause problems." So, that has been it I guess. I have not finished dealing with things by any means. The issues with The Ex have resurfaced (as if they were very far below) and have generally highlighted what is now my complete lack of ability to trust anyone with my feelings. Granted they have been stomped on over and over again by both friends and loved ones... I have stuck around for whatever reason (it has yet to reveal itself).

What amazes me sometimes is my seemingly blind ability to find in people a reason to keep believing in them. That is likely what drew me to teaching in a burnt out school in the south bronx in the first place... this idea of trying to help someone change.

I guess I am in a very fuck-it sort of mood. You see, The Ex sends an email talking about making an attempt at working things out and says that we should talk - I respond - then nothing for two weeks... not a word. Of course as every day passes I become more and more anxious waiting for some type of response because these are words I have waited oh so long to hear and nothing.

So I keep asking myself why do I bother? Why do I bother putting my faith in people who take advantage and seem so self-righteous about it? He's not the only one in my life taking on such a role - I guess that speaks more to an issue I have with myself right? It feels pretty bleak and I am getting exhausted by it.