I am Seriously Becoming Bi-Polar...

Seriously, can you do that? Can someone just develop bi-polar syndrome (is it even a syndrome)? I'm wondering because more and more I am beginning to feel like I am on this completely mental rollercoaster ride... I have a job I love and I am really good at it, and at the same time my life is a complete mess. I used to have a job I was good at that sucked and drove me to tears on a regular basis, and a relationship that depsite it problems made me quite happy. It's just never good all round is it? I guess it is just karma's way of balancing out the universe.

Earlier this year I began to feel like Karma was givin' it to me nice'n'rough and was seriously pissed at something I had done in a previous life. Granted things are better than that now but it was a tough go for a while there.

Of course this is all stemming from a sit-down with The Ex and all of the emotional entanglements that entails. We met to discuss a few things face-to-face. It was my idea because the back and forth via email jsut leaves so much open to interpretation and there is the waiting for a response and repsonding and then wiating again. Not fun in the least.

So, we met and it was strange this time... I was attempting to explain it to a friend and almost couldn't because the feeling during and after was so strange. Strange and yet familiar and it took me a few days of pondering it before actually figuring out what was going on. I think we could both feel there when we were sitting across from each other. We could feel that the anger had abaited somewhat and could feel some of what was there before it came and invaded my life. We paused a lot and just sat there looking at each other and man I tell ya I miss sitting across from him and just being able to look at him. After some of the tough discussion was over we actually had the chance to jsut speak to each other a little bit like we used to. It always came so easy for us to just sit and discuss whether there was meaning to it or not. It was just a comfort level for me...

What makes me feel bi-polar is that I came away from our meeting feeling good. I got to see him and talk with him and feel something coming back and yet I left angry too because he went back to the sham of a relationship he is in - a relationship with someone he admits to not loving or being completely faithful to. It just seems like such a ridiculous and annoying waste of time as far as I can see and yet he insists that it is something he must do... I just don't understand.

Which leaves me vacilating back and forth between loving and missing that feeling that I caught a glimpse of and then being pissed that he is with someone else and can't seem to just get his shit sorted out. What a mess... in the end it just leaves me longing for what is pictured above.