Whoppi Goldberg Rocks!

I just watched a relatively new standup performance on HBO featuring Whoopi Goldberg and I have to say that I really think she is remarkable. Granted some of the extended discussion of vaginas and the myriad issues that seem to arise within was mildly uncomfortable. You can tell she's pissed. She's pissed at George Bush. She's pissed at women who are walking around blind and men who are walking around ignorant. She's pissed at prejudice, injustice... it's a tall order but she does an amazing job being sincere and funny and shocking at the same time. If you haven't seen it it is her performance at the Lyceum theatre. I love that she's angry and standing up and saying something about it. We need more of that. This country needs more of it. When that piece of trash bullshitter passing herself as of as educated Ann Coulter can call Al Gore a "total Faggot" because he dares to stand up and talk about how badly we've screwed up and end up with a number one seller we need more Whoopi's. Coulter is foul and disgusting and I'm sure she would love me saying this but I really find her opinions completely worthless. Of course I'm not exactly her target audience am I?

I'm eagerly anticipating tomorrow night... hoping for a second date with an absolutely fascinating man that I met weeks ago. His schedule is crazy and we are in-touch all the time but have only managed to have one date thus far. There is something about him that makes me feel like a giddy fourteen year old girl. It's bizarre. I saw him in a suit the other day and I honestly think that a really well dressed man is so insanely sexy (hence the pic above). There is just something about him... that smoldering sexy thing... so I'm hoping we see each other tomorrow (Sat.) night. I will keep you posted.

Something to believe in?

Two strange things happened to me yesterday. First as I was walking around Manhattan I started thinking about the students from my school. I always referred to them as my kids (I guess it's a weird teacher thing). Anyway, I had this uncanny feeling that I was going to run into one of them that day. You know that feeling you get sometimes and then you run into the person that you were thinking about? So, a friend and I pop in to this fast food joint for a bite and guess what? One of the worst, and I am not kidding, the worst of the troublemaking students that I ever encountered was there. She seemed to pleased and said hello across a busy room. I smiled and went over to say hi, and we chatted briefly about what she was doing (now working in said godforsaken fast food restaurant) and I asked about school. She replied that she couldn't go to my old school anymore and was going to try for a GED program in September. I told her that she really needed to do that and wished her well.

Such a funny thing when you are teaching these students and more so when you teach at-risk youth who have come from such difficult places, you let them try again and again and again. This particular student had been thrown out of my classroom literally dozens of times and had been escorted off school property by security guards on more than one occasion. Yet, I always let her try again. There was never a point when I thought that a student no longer deserved the chance to try again. She tested me and I'm sure brought me closer to my limit than anyone else - but she was always allowed to try again.

That made me think... when I arrived home yesterday evening I had an email from The Ex. He had written a response to an email I sent telling him how I disliked being mad at him. "I hate being mad at you and I have never ever liked it... missing you" was basically the gist of it. I read it over and over again and I thought, as I have so many times before, when do I draw the line with him? When do I say that enough is enough and not give him any more chances? If I can do it for all of these other people in my life then why do I feel the need to not give him another chance?

I know the argument for not giving The Ex any more chances is that he is an adult whereas my students are kids who are not as developed/worldly/educated/mature/etc. and that seems like a reasonable argument. It seems like it should answer the question but then I am left with a new question... another troubling matter. What makes me the person who should be drawing the line on who gets more chances and who doesn't? I'm having trouble with the answer.

My father abused me and my family especially my mother and she has given him chances for almost forty years now. I have been more reluctant to do so lately and have all but cut him out of my life. So I drew a line there albeit one that I think is likely temporary as I would like to see him grow healthier (more on that later I'm sure). My younger sister was able to cut him out altogether and I completely respect both her decision and that of my mother so where does that leave me.

In the end I guess it is a very personal thing... although that doesn't make me feel very good either.

The pic is from a photographer named Richard De Chazal. I will get a link up here soon. It is Sagittarius - the eternal optimist. Go figure...

And.... Finally.

Okay, fingers crossed for tomorrow. After meeting with supervisors, managers, senior vice presidents, I am finally going to receive an offer for a job. I am heading in for a meeting tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon and things sound promising. I have completely had it with being unemployed. I knew some transition was coming and that this summer probably more than ever was going to be all about change but I have just about run out of patience.

Of course the job hunt and all of that pales in comparison to the personal stuff that I have had to deal with and it is still long from over. On the brighter side I received a text message from a guy I met a number of weeks ago. We met once for drinks and there was just something about him... something that really made me want to see him again. I am hoping that we get the chance to get to know each other a little bit more. He has gorgeous eyes and before we parted we made out a little. He's a really good kisser - which puts him way up there in my books. Kissing is a big one for me and there are a lot of guys who honestly haven't got a clue. I went out with one guy a little while back and he wanted to lick my face! Seriously. I felt like I was in an episode of Sex in The City. It was crazy, and I had to get out of there... but this guy - I want to see him again. I don't think that I get that spark very often (I thought it belonged to The Ex alone). So, again, keeping my fingers crossed.

I've been having strange dreams the past few nights. Aside from the obvious sexual overtones (lack of getting any at the moment) they have been all about my previous job - the teaching one. They have been extremely vivid dreams and the most disturbing one had me on a bicycle trying to get through a crowd of people who reminded me of my students, but the brake kept slowing the wheels and I couldn't get through. Yes, I know the obvious is apparent, but why are these dreams so damn difficult? It's bothering me...

On the media side of things, gearing up for the next episode of Workout on Bravo (does anyone else watch it? I would love to compare notes). I want to see the crazy insecure one blow his top... I think his name is Brian. I guess we'll see tomorrow at 9 on Bravo right?

The pic - again with the looking for some action thing. This has to be one of the hottest I have seen in a while. I promise more substance for my next pic but I just couldn't resist sharing this one.

This is Ridiculous!

It strikes me as a little odd that sometimes I just get too concerned with what The Ex is doing (it's capitalized now cause I have to write it instead of his name). It's driving me a little nuts. I want to be able to just say "Fuck it all" and not have to think of him again... Obviously I need some distraction here. He pops up in the weirdest places and sometimes it's because I guess I go looking but that really has to end. Missing him is hard enough without dragging things out even further.

So, I'm in a "Fuck It" mood. There are too many people too full of bullshit... just too much bullshit in general - I guess it's a "bitchy fuck it" mood right? I am going to have to get out there this weekend despite the lousy weather and freak thunderstorms and possibly drink away the sad feelings. God, that sounds awful and if I were a friend giving me advice I would say "He treated you like shit - don't keep doing it to yourself." Good advice, but difficult to follow all the time.

The learning curve for this stuff has been pretty steep of late and a major pain in the ass I must say. I say I'm an optimist and I am truly and that's why this is tough too. I just think - there cannot be so many guys so full of shit around can there? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe.... but I hope not.

Oh, the pic.... from a great blog www.speedoguy.com... on my way to distraction. Have a great Friday night!

Why's It So Hard?

Montreal is hosting the Gay Games this summer. The whole city is plastered with banners and ads like the one pictured above. Montreal is an amazing city and being gay in Montreal is so much fun. I spent part of several summers there before moving to NYC.

They don't make it easy for Canadians to come to the US to work. It's a sad fact. I came originally because I was recruited by the NYC Board of Ed. and then placed in this hell hole of a school in the South Bronx. Literally the school was falling apart and so was my sanity in a matter of days after arriving there. It sounds crazy but I stayed for almost five years.

Towards the end of my first year when I had all but decided to get out of there before something really bad happened to me I was approached to write a grant proposal for a new school. I did. It was approved. I committed to the first four years of it's operation. By far the biggest challenge of my life both personally and professionally. It almost did me in. There were literally two to three days a week when I could have just come home and cried... I saw and heard such unbelievable things that I am still processing and working through them (I have been away from it for a year now).

Back to the work thing - so my visa was sponsored by the NYCBOE and it is transferable but convincing someone to transfer it is another story. Most employers cringe at the mention of a visa because it means having to deal with the government. Which of course I understand and can sympathize with but come on, I am worth it damnit! You can probably tell that I am a little nervous about the whole new job thing and I am waiting on pins and needles (Project Runway pun intended) to get an answer.

All this is making life a bit difficult and of course there is the whole insanely horny thing. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the dreams of the Ex, maybe it's that I got to mess around with a little hottie over the weekend and want some more... it's probably all of those right? Maybe this weekend will turn out something fun???

Rough Night

I had one of the worst night's sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling really shitty. This has been happening with some frequency of late as I dream about being with the Ex and wake up feeling utterly empty inside. It's ridiculous but it reminds me of an episode of the Golden Girls (insert obligatory "You're such a fag" here). It is the one where Blanche dreams that her dead husband is alive and he finds her and they finally get to hold each other one more time at the end... then she wakes up. I saw it just the other night and it was bizarre because I thought God, that is exactly what happens to me in my dreams over and over again. We are out together somewhere traveling or dining out and just being who we used to be together... I can feel how much I loved him... and then it's gone the moment I wake up and it makes me feel like shit.

So, here's hoping that I can set all that aside and get on with what is a busy day - I have a ton of running around to do and I am keeping fingers crossed for the job. I needed a distraction so I thought I would do a little online shopping. I have a serious addcition to these swimsuits and try with all my might to only purchase one new one each summer. Needless to say I am well beyond that this summer. The pics is DSquared. I am a huge D2Squared fan and of course love them even more because they are Canadian... and their models are always some of the hottest around.

Bravo - B.R.A.V.O.... and some other fluff

Okay so fingers are crossed following a great job interview today - I wowed them - and I want this job. It really is the chance to take everything that I learned starting my own business to a much higher level on a bigger scale.

It's a little odd to be back in fashion after being involved in education for so long. I haven't talked about that much here but I spent the past five years working in the Bronx of all places in this bizarre little school (so much more of that to come). For now it's back to fashion. To be honest I loved the feeling of being in my store - it was stunning! It took years to put together and even though it was shortlived, for reasons beyond my control, it was truly amazing. So, the new boss (again fingers crossed) senses that I hope and I think it's gonna be good!

A night in tonight seeing as Project Runway was on and the bitchy commentary was running full steam as we watched. I love that show. Love it. I have to admit that I was surprised that Malan got the boot. They usually keep the crazies around because it's better for ratings right?

Of course following P.R. this new Jackie's Gym thing came on and truthfully she annoys the crap out of me. Yeah tough headstrong lesbian.... got it. blah blah blah. Although the gay guy is pretty cute.

Oh right, the pic. A friend took it when we were out on Long Island last weekend. It's a great pic and he's got a real eye (and I swear I am not saying this under duress at all). He's got more pics coming on his blog - I'll get a link up soon.

The Heat is Killing Me!

So, it is so insanely hot here in NYC and despite the multiple AC units running in the apt. the temp is out of control. I swear I think the neighbors must have the heat turned on. The pic is from last weekend out on Long Island - an amazing visit with a dear friend and a great stay at her quaint little cottage. I would give anything to get back out there and be close to the beach (one of my true loves).

An evening in watching SJP on re-runs of Sex in the City should keep me occupied with my mind off of the temp. I treat it like therapy really when I am trying to get some thought of the ex and all that was involved in that out of my mind. It has been making me feel as though I am developing multiple personalities of late. Days being really angry and then days full or mourning something that was truly incredible. Enought of that for now... If I stumbled onto my blog I might get a bit tired of reading about the Ex so enough for tonight.

On to other things... I just assisted and very good friend with setting up a blog to showcase his talents. It's going to kill me to write this here because he will read this shortly after it is posted I'm sure and I will never hear the end of it... but he is remarkably talented and creates some of the coolest jewelry. I sold one of his collections in my shop in SoHo and he has some devoted fans. The blog is all about the accessories that he designs and he is using it to market new collections to buyers all over the place. You should check it out - House of Kozai - there are some really cool pieces and eventually you will be able to purchase them through the site.

The Heat is on!

I just bought this suit.... love it. Aussiebum is great.

Okay so we are back into the insane heat/humidity that is mid summer here in NYC and I have to say that job hunting in this miserable weather is ridiculous. Every time I have an interview I have to run into a Starbucks 20 minutes early to sit in the A/C so I don't look like a drowned rat before heading in to meet potential employers.

On the upside I have had some good offers and am waiting on a couple of leads. Keeping my fingers crossed and attempting to be patient (although that was never my strong suit). Of course added to the mix is some recent contact with my ex. There are a still a few things that need to be settled and after ten years together I am surprised that there are not more of them... I guess the biggest mess that needs to be cleaned up in all of this is inside right? It's tearing me up.

I have no idea how to recover from this (I've never had to do it before). My ex is with the affair now - a real piece of trash that he cheated on me with for months before the end of our relationship. I guess I'm still stuck on the whole "How the fuck did this happen?" thing... and to top it all off I am insanely horny lately (hence the pic).... what gives? I sense therapy in the near future. Of course any input from anyone out there would be great as I seem to be grapsing at straws.

So today is all about pluggin along and getting the job stuff settled down. I want to be working! I have this need to be busy doing something and a month off is truly enough for me. Besides, I want to start planning some new holidays (addicted to travel) and need the $$ to do it.

Having Lost

I had a great dinner with a good friend of mine that I met in a very difficult work situation a little over a year ago... it was one of those perfect Manhattan nights when the temperature is just right, you are looking great, the food is good, and the conversation is intelligent. And what happened? I got sad on the way home.

I have only vaguely alluded to the end of what was a very long term relationship here on this blog because I think I have not been in the right place to start to write down how I am feeling and thus be forced to process it somewhat.

I miss my ex. I miss him with every fibre of my being and there are days when it is almost unbearable... the breakup was difficult to say the least. I had reached the end of my rope with what had become some really repetitive negative behavior and I drew a line, finally. The hardest thing I have ever done and it has cost me dearly but it was a choice that I had to make. He was (he is) a wonderful man and I lost him somewhere along the way to influences beyond my control.

So, I have been dealing however slowly with that and I have to say that more than anything it is just a sense of profound sadness - sadness to know I still love him so much and to know that he still loves me - and to not be together. It's almost beyond words.

And that is what happened tonight. I miss those evenings with him. His presence, his humour, and just looking across the table at him. I get the sense that there are many more of these nights to come.

On the bright side, the conversation was stellar. My friend is one of those people who thinks before she speaks (a rare comodity in this city - and the world in general I fear). We spoke of work , world events, Anderson Cooper and Star Jones, being gay, and coming out. Not all of it terribly profound or meaningful but intelligent nonetheless.

Here's to a really nice dinner on a patio in beautiful Manhattan - there's nothing like it.