Having Lost

I had a great dinner with a good friend of mine that I met in a very difficult work situation a little over a year ago... it was one of those perfect Manhattan nights when the temperature is just right, you are looking great, the food is good, and the conversation is intelligent. And what happened? I got sad on the way home.

I have only vaguely alluded to the end of what was a very long term relationship here on this blog because I think I have not been in the right place to start to write down how I am feeling and thus be forced to process it somewhat.

I miss my ex. I miss him with every fibre of my being and there are days when it is almost unbearable... the breakup was difficult to say the least. I had reached the end of my rope with what had become some really repetitive negative behavior and I drew a line, finally. The hardest thing I have ever done and it has cost me dearly but it was a choice that I had to make. He was (he is) a wonderful man and I lost him somewhere along the way to influences beyond my control.

So, I have been dealing however slowly with that and I have to say that more than anything it is just a sense of profound sadness - sadness to know I still love him so much and to know that he still loves me - and to not be together. It's almost beyond words.

And that is what happened tonight. I miss those evenings with him. His presence, his humour, and just looking across the table at him. I get the sense that there are many more of these nights to come.

On the bright side, the conversation was stellar. My friend is one of those people who thinks before she speaks (a rare comodity in this city - and the world in general I fear). We spoke of work , world events, Anderson Cooper and Star Jones, being gay, and coming out. Not all of it terribly profound or meaningful but intelligent nonetheless.

Here's to a really nice dinner on a patio in beautiful Manhattan - there's nothing like it.