The Snow Is A Comin....

So, I can't wait for the snow to arrive in NYC. They lit the tree in Rockafeller Centre yesterday - it's right near my work - and although the crowds made it temporarily unbearable, there is something about that ceremony that makes this city feel officially set for the holidays. NYC in the winter is so great. I really hope that we have snow this year that sticks around. The wet and slushy kind is just a major inconvenience and gets all grey and gross so quickly. So I am looking forward to winter...

With that approaching of course there's lots to remember and I have got to send out cards this year. I am the worst at writing letters and promised myself I would do it this time around. I get all nostalgic and wishy-washy around this time. I will also be celebrating a birthday in a couple of days. Doing some celebrating with friends this weekend so that should be nice.

I have to mention a bit of politics here too. Not to rain on the parade but just to point out that Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, is a complete and utter Jackass. I wouldn't put him in a league near that of Bush in terms of how grand an Asshole he is, but he's pretty bad.

As proud as I am of being Canadian, it makes me sick to think that that jackpot is in control right now. Although it should be noted that he only has a minority government so his time is running very very short. So, basically he has promised to introduce a bill before Christmas proposing that the Canadian government re-open the debate on Gay marriage. Everyone knows the bill will not pass including Harper, so he is using specifically to reassure his legions of Conservative whackjobs that he is indeed a right wing christian and is always going to fight for their definitions of what constitutes a proper life.

What really irks me about it is that he is using gays and lesbians to do this in such a twisted way. He knows the bill will not pass, but he also knows that proposing the discussion will get LGBT groups to be vocal and advertise and lobby and the result will be an upswing in support from christian nutties. That basically makes us fundraisers for him. Yuck. The more we vocalize opposition the stronger his base is going to rally. I hate that. It makes me want to tell the LGBT groups to keep it quiet - but then they can't do that or it is like saying that what he is proposing is okay....

Just bugs me that it so works in his favour right now. That sucks. Man I wish there was some Foley-esque dirt on him, but that would mean someone else was taken advantage of.... Maybe he's got a Mike Jones in his closet - mmmm that would be sweet. He needs a lover like the dude above right?

Exhausted By...

So, I am at the point where I am completely exhausted - you know, when you hit the end of a long stretch of work and there is just one more day left to get through and you are wondering how you are going to do it. I can honestly say that my Monday and Tuesday off are going to be two of the most welcome in a long long time.

I'm working in an industry that like most gets all wound up this time of year and although it's great that the cash is flowing in and we are looking at nice bonuses, it is truly truly tiring. In that inner body tired sort of way.

I'm looking at a Birthday too in the next week or so - I am a sag to the core. Just about everything that I have read about my sign I seem to agree with to some extent. It's curious because I don't really know how much I buy into all of that, but there seems to be something to it. A dear friend and I will be celebrating together this year and it should be fun. Of course as I am constantly trying not to remind myself (it's not working very well) it will be the first I have celebrated alone since I turned 20. As much as I try that is going to be on my mind and I can't seem to escape how it makes me feel.

I did have a really nice Thanksgiving (even though I celebrated the Canadian one too last month). Several good friends came over and we enjoyed some great food and great wine. A memorable time and I wish that I had had the next day off to recoup. I admire my mother so much for putting together all of those big family dinners year after year and still being able to get out of bed the next day and do something productive. I was a mess. Just too tired...

My mom always made the best family dinners and half a dozen times a year the extended family would all be together on the farm and it was always so much fun. Those are events that I miss. My mom does too and I feel bad that they don't happen any more. My dad is not doing well and unfortunately my sisters have chosen to distance themselves. It is the healthiest choice for them and I almost envy their ability to do so. At times I think it would be the healthy choice for me too. I am sensing a pattern.

And of course the holidays continue to have me pining for a man to enjoy them with. I continue with the fantasy of it all... I am inspired to wear my jeans to the gym tomorrow (nah...)

Too Busy To Notice...

So I finally have a bit of time to sit back and take a look at things. Work seems to have settled in a somewhat comfy routine. I am enjoying it and receiving some long overdue praise ( a special moment today was nice) and my life appears to be leveling out a little.

I almost didn't want to write those words. It's like those moments on soap operas when someone says "everything will be okay now" or "we'll be together forever - nothing will separate us now". Of course it is silly of me to think that the rocky times are over. I have a lot of work to do to clean up the mess that has been created over the past year and although I have had some moments to relax a little, I still have a lot of work to do.

But it does seem as though a little bit of the fog has lifted and that gives me reason to pause and stop and think about things... I think it has a little bit to do with the time of year as well. I'm always more reflective this time of year and as utlra cheesey as it may sound I have a ton of things to be grateful for. With all of the tough stuff has come a wealth of good things too (how Martha of me).

Speaking of Martha, I have to call up a recipe of hers some time tomorrow. I am making a bacon-wrapped turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and need her expertise. She rocks and I admire her drive. Now the only thing I need is a boy to share in the festivities with...

A Disturbing Development...

So, I am just feeling unsettled by the events of the past few days... I am generally a very private person and tend to keep whatever it is I am going through to myself (save for this blog I guess).

I guess it all started with a horoscope I read a few days ago. Yes, I read them fairly religiously. I don't know why really - just looking for some direction I guess. One of them said something along the lines of "you may try to be squeeky clean as a new car, but that rusty tailpipe you are dragging around ins bound to cause problems." So, that has been it I guess. I have not finished dealing with things by any means. The issues with The Ex have resurfaced (as if they were very far below) and have generally highlighted what is now my complete lack of ability to trust anyone with my feelings. Granted they have been stomped on over and over again by both friends and loved ones... I have stuck around for whatever reason (it has yet to reveal itself).

What amazes me sometimes is my seemingly blind ability to find in people a reason to keep believing in them. That is likely what drew me to teaching in a burnt out school in the south bronx in the first place... this idea of trying to help someone change.

I guess I am in a very fuck-it sort of mood. You see, The Ex sends an email talking about making an attempt at working things out and says that we should talk - I respond - then nothing for two weeks... not a word. Of course as every day passes I become more and more anxious waiting for some type of response because these are words I have waited oh so long to hear and nothing.

So I keep asking myself why do I bother? Why do I bother putting my faith in people who take advantage and seem so self-righteous about it? He's not the only one in my life taking on such a role - I guess that speaks more to an issue I have with myself right? It feels pretty bleak and I am getting exhausted by it.

Results Finally....

So, the election results were heartening. Finally that total jackpot in the Whitehouse is not going to have a completely blank slate when it comes to his agenda. It gives me back a little bit of hope in the USA - that maybe things can get turned around. I realize how it usually works with the backlash always happening right before a period of major change... but this one was getting tough to wait out. I'm glad the Dems have control. I just hope that they can be less political and more real just for a few minutes each day... I remain hopeful.

I'm also seriously looking forward to this weekend. My first Saturday off in god knows how long and I plan to enjoy myself. A friend who has been having a tough time of late needs his spirits lifted so I am going to try to get him to come out and get drunk tomorrow night.

I also got news that a dear friend is coming to visit before Christmas. I can't wait to see her. She has been fighting with her daughter (fighting in a support kind of way) to battle Anorexia. Seriously bad stuff and she almost died (the daughter). I guess something like Anorexia is just another of those things that is beyond my grasp of understanding. I'm glad she is doing well and recovering, although I understand it is a long long process.

An interesting day at work. I met lots of regional people in for a big conference, many of whom I have spoken to over the phone several times. It was nice to put a face to the voices. Although to be completely honest I was hoping for more cute men... I think I am just about the youngest guy there. Gave me reason to pause and think...

So, here's to an exciting and hopefully eventful weekend. Despite my missing a man to share it with I remain optimistic as usual. Something like the pic would do just fine :)

Is It Really Fall....

I can't believe that we are back into warm weather here in NYC again... I finally had a day off after 14 in a row and got to enjoy a warm-ish Fall day in the city.

I've said if before, but I love this city in the Fall. I wish I had had time today to go up to Central Park and really get a look at everything before all of the leaves are really gone. That Fall smell in the fallen leaves is amazing and the skating rink is already open (I think).

More than anything I wish that I had a guy to enjoy it with. There was some small promise a few weeks ago and I understand how and why that did not work out... I just would rather be sharing this time with someone special. I am one of those people who does not need a large social circle - never have - but a guy to hang with on days like these in a romantic way would be great. I know, everyone single wants that right... blah blah I should stop complaining. It will be one of those things that the moment I stop looking will happen right?

I'm following the election pretty closely tonight. I really like the idea of that utter jackass being rendered a lame-duck president. He is such an embarrassment and I'm not even American. I almost have to look away when he is speaking on TV. There is something so wrong about a man having that much power with so little for brains. I hope the Dems kick ass.

Of course I would have felt better about the whole political situation here if I hadn't floated the idea of everyone who could going out to vote at work and having that met with utter disdain and just plain ignorance. That was a serious bummer.

Okay, so I've got my eyes set on a relaxing weekend with a fun night out on Saturday. I would love to find some sexy new place to go out to. I'm getting a little bored of the same old same old... We'll see.

Pleasant? Distraction...

As I spent time wondering about whether or not an age difference would be too much for me to handle the curious connection with the cute boy faded out. Despite thinking that it is a real shame that we did not have the chance to get to know each other better I did have a great time with him. He brought up something in me that made me feel really good.... I guess I am longing for that.

In the meantime contact with The Ex has gotten other things stirring and I am left wondering things like how much hurt is too much to come back from, and at what point do you begin to lose integrity in longing for someone that does not feel the same way. It is a difficult conversation to have with myself and despite some invaluable input from friends I am left trying to sort this one out on my own.

One close friend recounted the hurt that pushed her to her limit and I can definitely relate. What I wonder though is... Are you being true to yourself if you push the feelings aside and move on because routine is more comfortable and easier to cope with? I don't know to be honest. I think that the routine and the comfort of your life apart from this person plays an important role but then what do you do with all of the other - all of the internal stuff that is clogging up the drains?

Part of what has been so upsetting about contact from The Ex again is doubting what I am feeling. It's scary and sensing that doubt in itself is frightening.

But of course on a lighter note, we hired models today to just walk about the offices/showroom with champagne - they changed hourly and simply spent the day answering to our whims for pinot and bubbly. The boys were sexy and oh so friendly - getting paid well of course - but all the same it made for pleasant distraction. We were all taking acute notice of the wardrobe changes - The Line is so killer!