Eventful Issues...

So, a couple of days ago I posted about a cute boy I met and how he had left me feeling... well I guess you can read it right below this post. He has made the past week eventful to say the least. As I mentioned in the previous post we had a really great day walking around the Botanical Gardens here in NYC and it was one of those days that you just don't get very often... and hence the events of the past week.

I said before that I find him intriguing and remarkably cute - I didn't mention that one of the reasons that I was feeling as I did was that there is a big age difference between us. I wouldn't have thought that seeing someone younger would be an issue but as it turns out it is - and surprisingly more for him it seems than me.

During dinner last week I asked him how old he was. He's definitely younger and it gave me reason to stop and think - having dated somone exactly the same age for a decade it never crossed my mind that there would be any reason to think of age as an issue (as long as everyone is an adult - and we both are). So, why does it matter? I mean, I get the obvious stuff but when you feel like you connect with someone in a way that strikes you as probably pretty rare then why does it matter? I have polled some of my friends and they each have their own take on it. Most say that in the end what matters is how the person makes you feel and vice versa. I hope that is it and would very much like it to be so... I'm not sure it will be though.

I have to be honest, what I find most interesting about him is that initial connection. I didn't just pick him up to hook up. I'm tired of that and it doesn't really interest me - it never really did. I like the connection. I like feeling like there is a reason why I am with this person. He seems to too. He was very vocal about it - I wonder if that will outweigh the other.

I'm still a sucker for a great smile...

A Cute Boy....

A funny thing tonight... I met a really cute boy over the weekend. He is remarkable and he has left me feeling a little out of sorts I guess.

I have to say that the number one thing I find attractive about a guy is his smile. This boy has a magical smile. It's shy, and sexy, and sly all at the same time. Amazing little dimples. Of course a smile only does so much right - well this one has brains. We had some great conversation over dinner and I love how he sees the world. Plus a body doesn't hurt - one like the pic right?

So, out of sorts... a little funny to be feeling this, while feeling all of that still. Still with the feeling a little bi-polar and still with the confusion that leaves me with. I'm sitting around here - just a quiet evening and mulling over events of the past few days... a trip to the Botanical gardens and the incredible fall colours. Chihuly exhibit in the Conservatory... really a nice time - romantic and sweet and a gorgeous day.

So, what does that leave me with - out of sorts - why? I feel like it shouldn't but I know why it does. I'm really not sure what to do........

Losing Someone Special...

Some time in the next few days my grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties, is going to die... I've been thinking a lot about her and trying to realize the fact that I am never going to see her again. For so long she was an almost everyday fixture in my life. I used to ride my bike home from school and stop at her house before getting there to spend some time with here. When I was able to visit with her briefly a few weeks ago she mentioned those bike rides and how special that was to her. I remember thinking that she didn't look very good and it crossed my mind that she may not be around for much longer...

It was a special visit and I left feeling really good about being able to catch up with her and enjoy her company one last time. It makes it seem so strange that I am writing this now, knowing that she is still living (although not responsive). In a way I feel like she is already gone and in a sense she is. We had a last visit and I think that maybe we both sensed that that was what it was. She spoke of things that we didn't normally talk about and we laughed about me flying home to visit and how strange she thought it was... she has only been in a plane once in her 95 years and it was such a short trip. She always seemed amazed that I managed to get home to visit as often as I did. I always tried to make time for a visit with them no matter how brief it was.

She had a strange relationship with my parents. Her son, my dad, has had a difficult time dealing with a myriad of issues and I think that he is going to take her parting hard. I think that it may actually in the end be some much needed closure for him on some long standing issues that have never really been confronted.

Her passing will be very very sad for me. I will miss her and it makes me think of another who is not a part of my life right now. Reflecting on her role in my life makes me glad that I never missed an opportunity with her. My life with my grandmother seems complete... I don't like thinking that the other is not.

It is going to be a very sad day.

Fall in NYC...

I'm in kind of a romantic mood of late... of course I don't have anyone to get romantic with right now but that doesn't seem to stop my mind from wandering. I think that it has a lot to do with the weather. I love New York in the Fall. There is something about this city that seems to come alive this time of year.

The summer here is so oppressive - the heat makes it almost unbearable. Anyone with any sense and any money manages to escape this place during the worst of it. The rest of us are just left here to suffer and endure the sweating misery on the subway.

But that all comes to an end when Fall arrives. I get to pull out my favorite clothes and all of my jackets and scarves. My mom knit me the most amazing scarves last year for my store and I have a few left over. They are these huge chunky knit wool scarves that I sold for a fortune in my store and the look fantastic. I can't wait to have them out and wear them around town. I want to put on some of my fav clothes and sit outside on a patio somewhere and just enjoy the city. I went to Gym Bar last week and they have this tiny little patio area out front and even standing out there (once the smokers were gone) was nice in the cool evening air...

And of course there is Central Park. Central Park in the Fall is truly amazing and even though I am not as close to it as I once was I try to get up there to see the leaves and walk around in that crisp air at least once or twice.... such romantic notions.... I guess I have love on my mind.... and boys... makes me want to wake up to the picture above every morning.

On a sadder note, I may lose a family member that I have been very close to in the coming days. My grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties is not doing very well and a call from my mother let me know that it may only be a few more days. I had such a nice visit with her a little over a week ago when I went home for a few days and I am so glad that I did. She has always been very important to me and we were very close when I was growing up. I grew up on the farm next door to her's and spent a part of almost every single day there for years... she always had the most beautiful home. So many great memories there...

A Couple of Things...

So, I have been working like a madman and in an attempt to catch up on some extra expenses I have maybe been taking on a bit more than I can chew. The opportunity for me to do a little bit of work back at one of the schools in Manhattan has presented itself and I may do it for a few days a month. It will have to be on my days off and I think it might be okay.... makes me nervous though.

All the work plus my mom was here visiting for a week and I of course loved that and felt terribly guilty that I had to work while she was here. On the few days I had off we went to the Vollard exhibit at the Met. I loved it! I am a big Gaugin fan and although I was never so much in Renoir the pieces in the show were really something. There was even a restored film that showed Renoir shortly before his death. It was footage of him working with arthritis so severe that his hands almost didn't resemble actual hands - they were so twisted and swollen from the arthritis. He must have been in such pain and yet still managed to create things of such unique beauty. Amazing really. I think my mom really liked it too.

I am stoked about the new show coming at the Brooklyn Museum this month. It is a retrospective of Annie Leibovitz. It's going to be incredible. She has taken so many iconic shots over the past twenty years and I find her work absolutely stunning. Can't wait.

It was just so great having mom here to visit. She's amazing. I do not go back home to the farm very often anymore since my dad had such a huge falling out with most of the rest of the family. So many issues there that there just isn't enough time here for them. Suffice it to say that his problems have all but driven his entire family away from him. It's sad really. I've just reached a point with it where I have realized that he's not likely going to change - ever. That makes it a little easier I guess because I've spent so much time wanting him to change so that we could have a real relationship. It's not there though... who knows really but I don't hope for it as much as I used to.

On a personal note I met a very charming man last night. It was a strange encounter really because he had many qualities that I would normally find very intriguing... but there was just something missing. I was attracted to him physically and all but it seemed strange that I just wasn't so much in the mood for anything really... granted, we had some fun, but I guess it is just that I want more - something deeper - something bigger - something more... makes me feel blue. The pic is Thijs Van Gils - a talented photographer with a very sexy eye.

Republicans Are Fucking Idiots!

I have been away in Canada visiting family for a couple of days and I come back to what??? A Republican scandal involving Rep. Foley from Florida in rehab with his lawyer claiming that he is most definitely not a pedophile but an alcoholic who only acted the way that he did because of the booze!

Seriously, are you kidding me? I am so very very sick and tired of the Republican machine just thinking that everyone must be so fucking stupid. I mean, the guy made sexual advances at children right? That makes you a pedophile right? I don't care if you've had a drink or not you made a sexual advance to a child... pedophile. Period. Yet, the republicans will convince millions of Americans that it's okay because he is battling a serious illness. The poor man is an alcoholic. What a total fucking mockery of the system, and a complete insult to anyone with half a brain. I can't even imagine a reasonable person looking at this situation and not thinking that this guy is a pedophile who needs to be charged and that the leaders of the Republican party must share in some of the blame for covering up whatever portion of this sordid tale that they knew about.

Oh, and how dare those nutjobs over at Americans for Truth or whatever the hell they call themselves equate Foley's actions with being seduced by the homosexual agenda. When are they going to admit that the vast majority of pedophiles are straight white men? When? Serisously, drop dead!

Okay, so enough anger for now... it totally steams me up.

I am battling allergies that are almost too much for me. The plane ride home to the parents place was a killer, I thought I might sneeze myself to death by the time I got off and it was only a sixty minute flight.

It was a nice visit home though. I saw my new niece and some friends. I was hoping for a night to go out in my home town which is becoming increasingly gay and I am curious to see how it is going. God, if only it had been this way when I was in high school. I imagine I would have had a lot more fun. It was such a conservative place through the 80's and a gay bar was the furthest thing from my imagination. Now there are several and they look like fun.... bummer that I didn't have time to enjoy. I am hoping that when I do I find someone to have some fun with like the pic above..... it's no likely that gay yet... but a boy can dream right?