I am Seriously Becoming Bi-Polar...

Seriously, can you do that? Can someone just develop bi-polar syndrome (is it even a syndrome)? I'm wondering because more and more I am beginning to feel like I am on this completely mental rollercoaster ride... I have a job I love and I am really good at it, and at the same time my life is a complete mess. I used to have a job I was good at that sucked and drove me to tears on a regular basis, and a relationship that depsite it problems made me quite happy. It's just never good all round is it? I guess it is just karma's way of balancing out the universe.

Earlier this year I began to feel like Karma was givin' it to me nice'n'rough and was seriously pissed at something I had done in a previous life. Granted things are better than that now but it was a tough go for a while there.

Of course this is all stemming from a sit-down with The Ex and all of the emotional entanglements that entails. We met to discuss a few things face-to-face. It was my idea because the back and forth via email jsut leaves so much open to interpretation and there is the waiting for a response and repsonding and then wiating again. Not fun in the least.

So, we met and it was strange this time... I was attempting to explain it to a friend and almost couldn't because the feeling during and after was so strange. Strange and yet familiar and it took me a few days of pondering it before actually figuring out what was going on. I think we could both feel there when we were sitting across from each other. We could feel that the anger had abaited somewhat and could feel some of what was there before it came and invaded my life. We paused a lot and just sat there looking at each other and man I tell ya I miss sitting across from him and just being able to look at him. After some of the tough discussion was over we actually had the chance to jsut speak to each other a little bit like we used to. It always came so easy for us to just sit and discuss whether there was meaning to it or not. It was just a comfort level for me...

What makes me feel bi-polar is that I came away from our meeting feeling good. I got to see him and talk with him and feel something coming back and yet I left angry too because he went back to the sham of a relationship he is in - a relationship with someone he admits to not loving or being completely faithful to. It just seems like such a ridiculous and annoying waste of time as far as I can see and yet he insists that it is something he must do... I just don't understand.

Which leaves me vacilating back and forth between loving and missing that feeling that I caught a glimpse of and then being pissed that he is with someone else and can't seem to just get his shit sorted out. What a mess... in the end it just leaves me longing for what is pictured above.

Tah-Dah...

Holy Crap did it ever get steamy and gross here in NYC this weekend. OF course it did not help much that the AC is off in my building and it all runs centrally so I got screwed trying to sleep last night. No pun intended.... I came home from the bar alone.

Speaking of the bar, Urge by the way, there was this cute little guy standing in front of me doing what seemed to be the strangest flirting ever... he had his back to me, but would periodically turn and look around and our eyes would meet, then he would sort of shuffle back a bit towards me.... what is that about? I mean he go close enough that he eventually bumped my shoes and it;s not like the place was packed. So, come on! If you wanna flirt that is the weirdest way to do it. I admit it he was cute and I totally would have chatted him up (and perhaps not come home alone) but he didn't way a word and just kept moving back a little bit at a time.... so strange.

So, I left early (had to work and wasn't really into it) and left my friend there who I must say managed to have a better time than me. He got back home around 5:00 am...

Work was crazy today and I didn't even get a lunch break. I am learning some new scheduling templates and the first time always takes like ten times longer than it should. But it worked out so all is good. What was amusing about today was that I met three of the trashiest women I have ever seen. Three generations of Pure Jersey White Trash (that is officially your title once you hit the third generation). Grandma was in burgundy sweats and green flip flops while her daughter... let's call her Ol' Fake Tits had some of the biggest hair I have ever seen. Meanwhile the grandaughter who I think may have gotten her fakes for her eighteenth birthday present was a sight to behold.

You know they call them Jersey Girls for a reason and I tell ya it gets more and more true all the time. I guess I shouldn't be so cruel. They were actually kind of nice in the end (after making an ill-fated attempt at ordering me to do something). I had to lay down some ground rules and it was all good following that.

Ack, so it is too hot in here to sleep again and if only I had someone like the pic above to keep my mind off of it I would get some rest (eventually right?).

My Head Hurts and I'm Horney...

So, I have had a headache for two days! It's killing me. Usually I am the type of person who tries to stay away from pills and drugs to try to overcome such things but this is seriously beyond what I can handle. I am going to have to get some meds tomorrow if this thing is still hanging on.

Fall TV is beginning and I seriously wish that I did not enjoy it as much as I do. Aside from my all time fav Project Runway, I managed to catch the premiere of Nip/Tuck. What an absolutely awesome show. I am definitely going to try to see some more of it. That and Studio 60. I will watch anything that is written by Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, several of his episodes of the West Wing brought me to full on tears. His writing is brilliant and I love that he holds no punches when sticking it to the Right. Republican suck. As we all heard over and over again here in NYC while the UN General assembly met. I just wish that this country could get it figured out. We are far from perfect to the North but we really have managed to get passed a lot of the stupid shit that seems to hold up the government down here. Seriously, government hearings over Janet Jackson's boobs! Gimme a goddamn break.

Back to TV... on the BBC America there is this Shipwrecked show that I managed to catch a few episodes of like a year ago and I have managed to find it again. It kills me to watch all of those gorgeous tropical sunsets with tanned boys wearing next to nothing. It's a great show - there's no voting off the island or eating bugs. It's all about creating communities and welcoming in new members and convincing them to stay. What a great idea.... maybe something we need more of over here? That and the boys are so so cute. And of course the Brits don't shy away from throwing in a few mo's for all of us gay boys to watch. Actually all of the guys are British so they are walking a fine line as it is. I managed to find a pic of two of them.... I wanna go there and yum.

Okay, so headache gone tomorrow. Done.

My Lucky Number....

So, I just finished watching the movie Lucky Number Slevin for the second time. I saw it first when it was in the theatres and loved it. I have been waiting patiently for it to come out on DVD ever since and finally I picked it up yesterday. There is just something about that movie.... it really works perfectly. Great cast, great dialogue, great styling... I get all worked up over just the wallpaper they used. The stylist on this one was a genius. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Josh Hartnet spends the first half an hour in a towel playing a bit of a mouthy punk. You gotta love that right?

Such a ridiculous day today. I went in to work a bit early and was completely drenched. It rained nonstop for the entire day today here in NYC, and I was soaked when I arrived. Thank god I have a change of clothes at work or I would have been miserable from start to finish. But it was just an odd day... maybe it was just the weather but I couldn't seem to get moving. I was a little tense and sore from a good workout the day before and just felt kinda bummed. It didn't help that I nodded off in the tanning bed at the gym and now have a nice rosey glow that was pointed out by several people that I work with. Embarrassing, but at least they can't tell when I blush over it.

Speaking of the gym, I am giving a new location a try. I like it - Crunch that is. They are making a lot of improvements after it kind of fell apart for a year or so. When Bally's owned it the place totally lost it. They were just really cheap and it is not a cheap gym to belong to. So, the upkeep is much better with the new owner and I like this brand new location on fourth avenue. Not too many boys though.... which makes the workouts a little less inspiring. I'm hoping it fills up soon with some Josh Hartnet look-alikes ;) or maybe just the boy from above... such a cutie.

Been a While...

Well, I do my best to update my blog every other day but this past week has been a tough one. Friends birthday's to celebrate, friends visiting town, and lots and lots of work have prevented me from being here for a few days.

Work continues to steam full-speed ahead and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. I know I have mentioned it before but it is something that I am really good at doing and although not the most challenging job I have ever had it is kind of nice to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labours rather that just hoping that they are paying off somewhere.

I had an interesting chat today with someone about how we seem so willing at times to deceive ourselves. Whether it be to convince ourselves that we are happy doing what we are doing, where we are doing it, or who we are doing it with. It made me think of both my job as a teacher, where I endured seemingly unending insults, degradation, and professional humiliation, and it made me think of The Ex, who has done such a number on me...

Celebrating a birthday party of a dear friend who used to be a mutual friend of ours when we were together made me think of him also. It used to be so nice to be a room full of people and be able to look at him and know that there was that person that meant the world to me and that whether the party was a dud or not he was going to be there with me when I left. A romantic notion I know but it was there nonetheless and one that I made note of often. Plus, it seemed that celebrating this birthday was just another marker in the distance between us. Funny, The Difference Between Us is one of Tina Turner's best songs and I have always loved it... God I miss him.

I don't know why I stayed at the teaching post so long knowing how incredibly difficult it was both mentally and physically. I recall having to clean the mouse shit off of my desk every morning in my classroom because our building was completely infested. There were even times when mice would run across the classroom floor in the middle of a lesson - can you imagine getting everything back to order following that? It was such an unhealthy place to be in a physical sense let a lone a mental one. So why did I stay? I did I keep showing up there day after day? What was it that I was attempting to convince myself of? I think we ignore the obvious sometimes because we want our world to exist the way we believe that it should. But it's not just our world is it? And it's never the same as anyone else's.

Of course in my world I am starting to need a better tan so I think I better try to get some sun on my next day off. I turn a terrible shade of white in the Winter months if I don't keep it up regularly... I'm hoping to look like the pic by some time in mid-December... of course it's not just his tan that I like.

Feeling...... Better?

Okay, so the cold is defeated and it only managed to last a couple of days. Too much stress, bad food, and not enough sleep. Problem solved. I slept in this weekend and took it easy. No work with clients (except one) and lots of lazing about in the sun once it finally appeared.

So I am feeling better physically but I am also in one of those puzzled moods I tend to get in when I am thinking of the big picture things... I just finished watching Lord of War (and Syriana a few days ago). If you haven't seen either I recommend them both. Both are based on very current world events and unfortunately both are extremely depressing when it comes to the cruelty that humans inflict on each other. I tend to be a vigilant optimist, even when it sometimes is against my better judgment, but man we can be real assholes when we want to be. It just pisses me off that so many people are so ignorant of the world around them and go about their lives without a care for anyone much less themselves.

I realize that this is a choice they have made to conduct their lives this way. I know from experience that those who truly want to know, and want to move in a different direction, even when deprived of education and basic amenities, can do so. So it pisses me off that so many people who have and who know choose to do nothing. Movies like these do tend to leave me with a feeling of helplessness that I know is not accurate but you just have to wonder when our direction with change.

What's really sad is that I felt the same way watching the MTV VMA awards. What a pathetic spectacle. I love a big party, cool music, hot fashion, and general sexiness as much as the next big queen but come on! It just seemed like stupidity was the rage and just acting like a complete jackass is the ultimate. Even when Pink (who was likely half in the bag) stood up and mocked the "stupid girls" nobody really seemed to get it.... so sad.

And now back to the superficial... it is beginning to feel like Fall is setting in here in NYC and I can't wait. I can't wait to pull out my fav clothes and be able to wear a jacket around. I love NYC in the Fall. It is the sexiest time of year and I want a man to share it with. I am not liking the single thing one bit. Not one bit. I want someone around to talk with, to argue with, to snuggle with, have sex with, and although I have wonderful friends around it is not the same... and all of this makes me dwell on The Ex - who has been making regular appearances in my dreams of late. Not happy ones, just memories of our time together and sadness that it has ended. Hate that too. Damn.

So this all leaves me angry with mankind and wanting a man (so if there is anyone out there that resembles Josh - pictured above - with a brain and a point of view, give me a call). Crap.