Tom of...

It certainly has been a long time... A friend inspired me to come and take a look at this blog again, and I am stunned at the sheer volume of things that have happened in my life since the last post.... two years ago.

As I sit here in a Dallas hotel pondering what all of my work is all about - the direction I am headed (in comparison to the direction I was headed then), the growth, the exploring, the moving... it all seems so much. And yet there still seems so much undone.

The basketball player is a permanent fixture in my life now and has filled it with excitement, adventure, some heartache, some evolution, and love.

The job is an adventure sending me all over the world of late. Work has grown and grown and I have had to start investing time in reigning it in. Something I have never had to do before and it's tough to do...

The home is rockin. I moved from the financial district to brooklyn into an 1880's brownstone and I am loving it. I have a garden and just finished picking the first tomatos yesterday morning.

But there is work to do, and things that need some work... and that's why I am back here to revisit, re-examine, and hopefully gain some clarity - I guess we shall see...

A Basketball Game?

So, finally a vacation from work and man did I ever deserve it. I decided that it was time to go home to visit with my family. Something that I needed to do, and also something that I wanted to do. I have a new niece who is just beginning to talk and my older sister has been struggling a bit and so I wanted to be there for her a little too. Of course all of that comes with the requisite visits with the grandparents who are now in their mid nineties, and of course (again) spending time with my father.

Holy crap can he ever be and asshole sometimes... I have decided that it is just another one of those things that are beyond my ability to understand, but he seems bent on driving his children away from him. In describing it to friends I compare our visits with a ticking bomb. I can hear it in the background slowly tick tick ticking away and the moment comes sooner or later where he lets fly with some sort of racial or homophobic insult that sends me straight for my car keys and the door.

It's quite simple now really - the moment he acts like an asshole I don't argue, I don't protest (been there, done that) I simply get my stuff and head off to stay at my sister's house. It's easier... I know it's still sad but it seems to almost function this way. Maybe he'll get the message some day. Maybe not.

Other than that the visit was great. Some beach time, some down time, some naughty time (wink wink), and some great quality time with my mom too. So, I came back rested and rejuvinated and ready to head back into things here.

Oh, and I haven't mentioned the basketball player yet. I met him the night before heading home and we flirted incessantly via voicemail and text the whole time I was away. There have been some nice dinners, some holding hands on the beach, and some quiet moments at home since I returned. A little iffy on the age difference, but he is growing on me and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. I wonder why I am always conscious of age... It's not a big difference. He is in his 20's and I am in my... well let's say later 20's. And here's the kicker - we are the same height! It's such a strange feeling for me - we look eye-to-eye. I get turned on almost by that alone. I guess I haven't mentioned that I am 6'7" here before. It's a big deal when dating to my surprise and dismay at times. But this is definitely something nice.

So, I will keep you posted. He's caught my eye and he's worth watching...

A Holiday of Sorts...

So, it's been a looong time ( I thought maybe I wouldn't use all the "o"'s but it seems to fit).

The role that my blog plays now is different from when I started it. I was reminded earlier today that it matters and on top of that I enjoy it. As my boss says all too often "It is what it is".

Initially writing here was like therapy and it was this great little outlet for all of the pent up pain and frustration I was feeling. It turns out that it did help - and hopefully helped someone else too. And then as things changed over the Spring I stepped back a bit and was, I guess, working through it all on a more internal level.

I dove into work, not as a way to avoid things but because I genuinely am enjoying it and having a great time. I feel like I have been working my butt off - literally. I need to get some butt exercises back into my gym routine so I keep on looking like the pic above right?

I dove into summer here in the city too. NYC can be this amazing place in the summer if you can handle the heat. We have actually had a relatively tame summer thus far in terms of heat and so I have been making the most of it with some trips to Central Park, laying out in the sun, and driving out to Rhode Island for a little romantic getaway of sorts. Maybe more on that a little later...

Yes, it's true there has been some dating and maybe a little romance. It's a hard thing to go through in some senses. After one very nice dinner out on this isolated little patio, some great conversation, and really good wine, I came home and I could not figure out this bizarre feeling I was experiencing. I thought about it and thought about it and came to the startling realization that what I was feeling was guilt.

That's right, I felt guilty that I had gone out and had such a good time, really enjoyed my company without being with my Ex. That's a little messed up right? It makes sense in some bizarre way, because those feelings had for so long been wrapped up in being with my Ex and any reference to them was bound to bring him back to mind. I was upset about it though. Mad a little too. Mad that it made me feel like a complete loser for keeping those feelings and all that was associated with them packed up in a mental box with his name written all over it.

And I was mad at myself too. Mad for not dealing with that sooner, or at least being somewhat more prepared for it. I guess you can't though. You can't prepare for that feeling. It blindsides you and can knock you down if you let it.

I didn't let it... and the next dinner was even better.

Such An Ordeal...

So, can I just say what an ordeal it is to find a cool guy in NYC? Why when there are so many men here is it so difficult to do?

Of course having said that I have to fill in after a long vacation from writing here...

The previous post was about meeting a boy and as I mentioned some of the obstacles that appeared seemed as though they may be too difficult to get around. Well, indeed they were. Not only was I struggling with the whole concept of dating someone new, but he had his own thing going on and I wasn't up for the workshop that it appeared to be developing into. He was 40 and I hope by that age I am in better shape in terms of my own understanding of who I am and where I am headed... let's hope anyway.

I wanted to post a quote here that I found a few weeks ago. It is from Emerson, who I only vaguely knew of before, and still don't know that much about, but it really encompasses how I try to live my life. It's not perfect by any means, but here it is nonetheless:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

That's it... that's all of it. That is what life should be about.... that, and cute boys ;)

Something New on The Horizon...

So, a couple of eventful weeks have passed and wrestling some time away from work to enjoy being has not been easy but I seem to have managed. The most stand-out of the events seems to be a spark with a boy... yes, it's definitely there and as usual it comes loaded with troubles. Some that may be insurmountable but I'm in a very wait-and-see mode. I feel as though it is a little selfish but nonetheless...

Today was a remarkable day in a few different ways. I spent the morning sleeping in and felt so good taking my time rolling out of bed. My roommate was thoughtful enough to make breakfast so everything started out nicely, peacefully, and that was a welcome change. The sun was shining and I spent some time just walking with a friend around the city. Not really out to accomplish much, it was actually nice to not have a long list of things that I had to rush and do. The only real requirement was that I water my plants for one of my clients. She is very very sick and will no doubt succumb to cancer in the not too distant future. Her resolve to keep working amazes me and we had a few minutes to chat this morning as I rushed about her home with a watering can. I love my plants there. In the summer time I fill her balcony with vegetables, herbs, and flowers. She eats most of them and I am always trying to save them from the harvest, but that is why I am growing them so... I'm glad to see that her daughter seems to be taking over her work and I hope that my gardens there continue after she is gone. She is an interesting character. Sometimes puts people off, but she is who she is and she is very unapologetic about it.

Cancer sucks. I lost a very very important person to me to breast cancer and she was wonderful. My client's illness makes me think of her often and I am always more than happy to indulge. But it is sad nonetheless.

So, the rest of the day included a tan, and a walk, and a nap - which I love. Very rejuvenating and now it seems that I am finishing the day in a very pensive state of mind. The few minutes of walking in the Winter sun made me think of Spring and long for warmer weather. I think what I really need is a beach vacation and a new swimsuit.

Honestly though, there is a lot to think about now. Lot's to happen in the next few days and coming weeks. I'm eager to get started...

It's All About Observation...

So, I spent a few days back in Ontario visiting family and really had a wonderful time. It was rush rush as usual, but it was good to see everyone, including a few friends that I have missed dearly. My grandparents continue to make it through and they are somewhat of an inspiration. So much so that I spent the hours driving and on the plane thinking a lot about where things are headed and where they have been.

I haven't written here for a while because I honestly feel like I have not had much to say. I was starting to feel really stuck and didn't know where it was coming from. That was until I sat down on my mini vacay to work on a questionnaire that I friend devised for the purpose of looking back over the past year and also ahead to this new one. The questions were thoughtful and writing a response gave me some pause. I have been needing to re-evaluate what is going on for me and where it is headed for the past few months and I think that is why I have been stuck. I haven't been able to get a grasp on it.

There need to be some changes. See what happened was that I stopped believing that I could do it. That I could get back on track and get those things I have lost over the past year back in one form or another. I stopped believing that I could... that I was strong enough. I'm a little ashamed of that. That has just never happened before. I have always been so headstrong and determined to get things that I set my mind out to get.

I just got knocked down. Hard. And getting back on my feet hasn't been easy. It occurred to me while I was driving through the snow in the Ontario countryside that I just stopped believing in me for a little while. Realizing that made me sad. It made me want to pull over and give myself a big slap in the face.

How could I do that? How could I let that happen to me? What a sad feeling that was. But right behind it, was resolve, and another realization - that I recognize what happened now and I have started to figure out why I have been feeling so stuck - so unable. And I'm not.

It was a good trip. Mostly because I opened a new door to a new/old me and that feels good.

A Lack of Excuses...

So, after being absent from my blog for far far too long I have finally managed to sit down here after a completely overdone day to write a little bit. I have been missing writing for a while and really have no excuse for taking some time off from it. I know, all the holiday business this time of year, but all of that is self inflicted and I need to be making time for this too - because it matter to me and I find it such a great place to be able to put what is in my head out there for all to see...

An interesting article caught my eye on CNN today about a critic of Oprah's new school in South Africa. I have to say that after listening to her criticisms I was left almost speechless. How dare anyone critique the fact that Oprah decided to build - with millions of her own money - a school for some of the neediest young women in the world... there is just no angle, no argument that you can make that would justify viewing this amazing thing that she has done in a negative light.

While watching this woman angrily tear apart Oprah you could see where it was coming from - she's mad that she is not somehow benefiting personally from this great gift that Oprah has made. The main point of her critique was questioning why Oprah did not build here in America first and instead chose to go to another country to do her good deed. What a fucking ridiculous thing to ask. The fact that she even remotely considers low-income Chicago students to be on the same level as orphaned and impoverished African students blows my mind.

Listen, I taught in an inner-city school in one of the most disadvantaged neighborhoods in this nation and even started my own school, and let me tell you, there is a world of difference between the two. My students always had the option of attending a school. The building was always there, and the teachers were always waiting... so many of them chose not to come and often because there was no value placed on a education for them by themselves or their family. The students that Oprah is offering an education to come from regions where quite often the school doesn't even physically exist and getting the chance to attend one is an incredible honor.

How bout a little bit of that here eh? That just made me so angry. The nerve of that woman.... I'm still amazed.

Speaking of amazing, as always, check out Mr Chad White above.... also another person who makes me speechless, although for different reasons of course.