Something New on The Horizon...

So, a couple of eventful weeks have passed and wrestling some time away from work to enjoy being has not been easy but I seem to have managed. The most stand-out of the events seems to be a spark with a boy... yes, it's definitely there and as usual it comes loaded with troubles. Some that may be insurmountable but I'm in a very wait-and-see mode. I feel as though it is a little selfish but nonetheless...

Today was a remarkable day in a few different ways. I spent the morning sleeping in and felt so good taking my time rolling out of bed. My roommate was thoughtful enough to make breakfast so everything started out nicely, peacefully, and that was a welcome change. The sun was shining and I spent some time just walking with a friend around the city. Not really out to accomplish much, it was actually nice to not have a long list of things that I had to rush and do. The only real requirement was that I water my plants for one of my clients. She is very very sick and will no doubt succumb to cancer in the not too distant future. Her resolve to keep working amazes me and we had a few minutes to chat this morning as I rushed about her home with a watering can. I love my plants there. In the summer time I fill her balcony with vegetables, herbs, and flowers. She eats most of them and I am always trying to save them from the harvest, but that is why I am growing them so... I'm glad to see that her daughter seems to be taking over her work and I hope that my gardens there continue after she is gone. She is an interesting character. Sometimes puts people off, but she is who she is and she is very unapologetic about it.

Cancer sucks. I lost a very very important person to me to breast cancer and she was wonderful. My client's illness makes me think of her often and I am always more than happy to indulge. But it is sad nonetheless.

So, the rest of the day included a tan, and a walk, and a nap - which I love. Very rejuvenating and now it seems that I am finishing the day in a very pensive state of mind. The few minutes of walking in the Winter sun made me think of Spring and long for warmer weather. I think what I really need is a beach vacation and a new swimsuit.

Honestly though, there is a lot to think about now. Lot's to happen in the next few days and coming weeks. I'm eager to get started...

It's All About Observation...

So, I spent a few days back in Ontario visiting family and really had a wonderful time. It was rush rush as usual, but it was good to see everyone, including a few friends that I have missed dearly. My grandparents continue to make it through and they are somewhat of an inspiration. So much so that I spent the hours driving and on the plane thinking a lot about where things are headed and where they have been.

I haven't written here for a while because I honestly feel like I have not had much to say. I was starting to feel really stuck and didn't know where it was coming from. That was until I sat down on my mini vacay to work on a questionnaire that I friend devised for the purpose of looking back over the past year and also ahead to this new one. The questions were thoughtful and writing a response gave me some pause. I have been needing to re-evaluate what is going on for me and where it is headed for the past few months and I think that is why I have been stuck. I haven't been able to get a grasp on it.

There need to be some changes. See what happened was that I stopped believing that I could do it. That I could get back on track and get those things I have lost over the past year back in one form or another. I stopped believing that I could... that I was strong enough. I'm a little ashamed of that. That has just never happened before. I have always been so headstrong and determined to get things that I set my mind out to get.

I just got knocked down. Hard. And getting back on my feet hasn't been easy. It occurred to me while I was driving through the snow in the Ontario countryside that I just stopped believing in me for a little while. Realizing that made me sad. It made me want to pull over and give myself a big slap in the face.

How could I do that? How could I let that happen to me? What a sad feeling that was. But right behind it, was resolve, and another realization - that I recognize what happened now and I have started to figure out why I have been feeling so stuck - so unable. And I'm not.

It was a good trip. Mostly because I opened a new door to a new/old me and that feels good.