A Basketball Game?

So, finally a vacation from work and man did I ever deserve it. I decided that it was time to go home to visit with my family. Something that I needed to do, and also something that I wanted to do. I have a new niece who is just beginning to talk and my older sister has been struggling a bit and so I wanted to be there for her a little too. Of course all of that comes with the requisite visits with the grandparents who are now in their mid nineties, and of course (again) spending time with my father.

Holy crap can he ever be and asshole sometimes... I have decided that it is just another one of those things that are beyond my ability to understand, but he seems bent on driving his children away from him. In describing it to friends I compare our visits with a ticking bomb. I can hear it in the background slowly tick tick ticking away and the moment comes sooner or later where he lets fly with some sort of racial or homophobic insult that sends me straight for my car keys and the door.

It's quite simple now really - the moment he acts like an asshole I don't argue, I don't protest (been there, done that) I simply get my stuff and head off to stay at my sister's house. It's easier... I know it's still sad but it seems to almost function this way. Maybe he'll get the message some day. Maybe not.

Other than that the visit was great. Some beach time, some down time, some naughty time (wink wink), and some great quality time with my mom too. So, I came back rested and rejuvinated and ready to head back into things here.

Oh, and I haven't mentioned the basketball player yet. I met him the night before heading home and we flirted incessantly via voicemail and text the whole time I was away. There have been some nice dinners, some holding hands on the beach, and some quiet moments at home since I returned. A little iffy on the age difference, but he is growing on me and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. I wonder why I am always conscious of age... It's not a big difference. He is in his 20's and I am in my... well let's say later 20's. And here's the kicker - we are the same height! It's such a strange feeling for me - we look eye-to-eye. I get turned on almost by that alone. I guess I haven't mentioned that I am 6'7" here before. It's a big deal when dating to my surprise and dismay at times. But this is definitely something nice.

So, I will keep you posted. He's caught my eye and he's worth watching...

A Holiday of Sorts...

So, it's been a looong time ( I thought maybe I wouldn't use all the "o"'s but it seems to fit).

The role that my blog plays now is different from when I started it. I was reminded earlier today that it matters and on top of that I enjoy it. As my boss says all too often "It is what it is".

Initially writing here was like therapy and it was this great little outlet for all of the pent up pain and frustration I was feeling. It turns out that it did help - and hopefully helped someone else too. And then as things changed over the Spring I stepped back a bit and was, I guess, working through it all on a more internal level.

I dove into work, not as a way to avoid things but because I genuinely am enjoying it and having a great time. I feel like I have been working my butt off - literally. I need to get some butt exercises back into my gym routine so I keep on looking like the pic above right?

I dove into summer here in the city too. NYC can be this amazing place in the summer if you can handle the heat. We have actually had a relatively tame summer thus far in terms of heat and so I have been making the most of it with some trips to Central Park, laying out in the sun, and driving out to Rhode Island for a little romantic getaway of sorts. Maybe more on that a little later...

Yes, it's true there has been some dating and maybe a little romance. It's a hard thing to go through in some senses. After one very nice dinner out on this isolated little patio, some great conversation, and really good wine, I came home and I could not figure out this bizarre feeling I was experiencing. I thought about it and thought about it and came to the startling realization that what I was feeling was guilt.

That's right, I felt guilty that I had gone out and had such a good time, really enjoyed my company without being with my Ex. That's a little messed up right? It makes sense in some bizarre way, because those feelings had for so long been wrapped up in being with my Ex and any reference to them was bound to bring him back to mind. I was upset about it though. Mad a little too. Mad that it made me feel like a complete loser for keeping those feelings and all that was associated with them packed up in a mental box with his name written all over it.

And I was mad at myself too. Mad for not dealing with that sooner, or at least being somewhat more prepared for it. I guess you can't though. You can't prepare for that feeling. It blindsides you and can knock you down if you let it.

I didn't let it... and the next dinner was even better.