fair from fair

Tom of...

2009-07-13T23:41:00.002-04:00

It certainly has been a long time... A friend inspired me to come and take a look at this blog again, and I am stunned at the sheer volume of things that have happened in my life since the last post.... two years ago.

As I sit here in a Dallas hotel pondering what all of my work is all about - the direction I am headed (in comparison to the direction I was headed then), the growth, the exploring, the moving... it all seems so much. And yet there still seems so much undone.

The basketball player is a permanent fixture in my life now and has filled it with excitement, adventure, some heartache, some evolution, and love.

The job is an adventure sending me all over the world of late. Work has grown and grown and I have had to start investing time in reigning it in. Something I have never had to do before and it's tough to do...

The home is rockin. I moved from the financial district to brooklyn into an 1880's brownstone and I am loving it. I have a garden and just finished picking the first tomatos yesterday morning.

But there is work to do, and things that need some work... and that's why I am back here to revisit, re-examine, and hopefully gain some clarity - I guess we shall see...

A Basketball Game?

2007-07-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

So, finally a vacation from work and man did I ever deserve it. I decided that it was time to go home to visit with my family. Something that I needed to do, and also something that I wanted to do. I have a new niece who is just beginning to talk and my older sister has been struggling a bit and so I wanted to be there for her a little too. Of course all of that comes with the requisite visits with the grandparents who are now in their mid nineties, and of course (again) spending time with my father.

Holy crap can he ever be and asshole sometimes... I have decided that it is just another one of those things that are beyond my ability to understand, but he seems bent on driving his children away from him. In describing it to friends I compare our visits with a ticking bomb. I can hear it in the background slowly tick tick ticking away and the moment comes sooner or later where he lets fly with some sort of racial or homophobic insult that sends me straight for my car keys and the door.

It's quite simple now really - the moment he acts like an asshole I don't argue, I don't protest (been there, done that) I simply get my stuff and head off to stay at my sister's house. It's easier... I know it's still sad but it seems to almost function this way. Maybe he'll get the message some day. Maybe not.

Other than that the visit was great. Some beach time, some down time, some naughty time (wink wink), and some great quality time with my mom too. So, I came back rested and rejuvinated and ready to head back into things here.

Oh, and I haven't mentioned the basketball player yet. I met him the night before heading home and we flirted incessantly via voicemail and text the whole time I was away. There have been some nice dinners, some holding hands on the beach, and some quiet moments at home since I returned. A little iffy on the age difference, but he is growing on me and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. I wonder why I am always conscious of age... It's not a big difference. He is in his 20's and I am in my... well let's say later 20's. And here's the kicker - we are the same height! It's such a strange feeling for me - we look eye-to-eye. I get turned on almost by that alone. I guess I haven't mentioned that I am 6'7" here before. It's a big deal when dating to my surprise and dismay at times. But this is definitely something nice.

So, I will keep you posted. He's caught my eye and he's worth watching...

A Holiday of Sorts...

2007-07-14T00:17:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a looong time ( I thought maybe I wouldn't use all the "o"'s but it seems to fit).

The role that my blog plays now is different from when I started it. I was reminded earlier today that it matters and on top of that I enjoy it. As my boss says all too often "It is what it is".

Initially writing here was like therapy and it was this great little outlet for all of the pent up pain and frustration I was feeling. It turns out that it did help - and hopefully helped someone else too. And then as things changed over the Spring I stepped back a bit and was, I guess, working through it all on a more internal level.

I dove into work, not as a way to avoid things but because I genuinely am enjoying it and having a great time. I feel like I have been working my butt off - literally. I need to get some butt exercises back into my gym routine so I keep on looking like the pic above right?

I dove into summer here in the city too. NYC can be this amazing place in the summer if you can handle the heat. We have actually had a relatively tame summer thus far in terms of heat and so I have been making the most of it with some trips to Central Park, laying out in the sun, and driving out to Rhode Island for a little romantic getaway of sorts. Maybe more on that a little later...

Yes, it's true there has been some dating and maybe a little romance. It's a hard thing to go through in some senses. After one very nice dinner out on this isolated little patio, some great conversation, and really good wine, I came home and I could not figure out this bizarre feeling I was experiencing. I thought about it and thought about it and came to the startling realization that what I was feeling was guilt.

That's right, I felt guilty that I had gone out and had such a good time, really enjoyed my company without being with my Ex. That's a little messed up right? It makes sense in some bizarre way, because those feelings had for so long been wrapped up in being with my Ex and any reference to them was bound to bring him back to mind. I was upset about it though. Mad a little too. Mad that it made me feel like a complete loser for keeping those feelings and all that was associated with them packed up in a mental box with his name written all over it.

And I was mad at myself too. Mad for not dealing with that sooner, or at least being somewhat more prepared for it. I guess you can't though. You can't prepare for that feeling. It blindsides you and can knock you down if you let it.

I didn't let it... and the next dinner was even better.

Such An Ordeal...

2007-03-30T00:27:00.000-04:00

So, can I just say what an ordeal it is to find a cool guy in NYC? Why when there are so many men here is it so difficult to do?

Of course having said that I have to fill in after a long vacation from writing here...

The previous post was about meeting a boy and as I mentioned some of the obstacles that appeared seemed as though they may be too difficult to get around. Well, indeed they were. Not only was I struggling with the whole concept of dating someone new, but he had his own thing going on and I wasn't up for the workshop that it appeared to be developing into. He was 40 and I hope by that age I am in better shape in terms of my own understanding of who I am and where I am headed... let's hope anyway.

I wanted to post a quote here that I found a few weeks ago. It is from Emerson, who I only vaguely knew of before, and still don't know that much about, but it really encompasses how I try to live my life. It's not perfect by any means, but here it is nonetheless:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

That's it... that's all of it. That is what life should be about.... that, and cute boys ;)

Something New on The Horizon...

2007-02-18T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, a couple of eventful weeks have passed and wrestling some time away from work to enjoy being has not been easy but I seem to have managed. The most stand-out of the events seems to be a spark with a boy... yes, it's definitely there and as usual it comes loaded with troubles. Some that may be insurmountable but I'm in a very wait-and-see mode. I feel as though it is a little selfish but nonetheless...

Today was a remarkable day in a few different ways. I spent the morning sleeping in and felt so good taking my time rolling out of bed. My roommate was thoughtful enough to make breakfast so everything started out nicely, peacefully, and that was a welcome change. The sun was shining and I spent some time just walking with a friend around the city. Not really out to accomplish much, it was actually nice to not have a long list of things that I had to rush and do. The only real requirement was that I water my plants for one of my clients. She is very very sick and will no doubt succumb to cancer in the not too distant future. Her resolve to keep working amazes me and we had a few minutes to chat this morning as I rushed about her home with a watering can. I love my plants there. In the summer time I fill her balcony with vegetables, herbs, and flowers. She eats most of them and I am always trying to save them from the harvest, but that is why I am growing them so... I'm glad to see that her daughter seems to be taking over her work and I hope that my gardens there continue after she is gone. She is an interesting character. Sometimes puts people off, but she is who she is and she is very unapologetic about it.

Cancer sucks. I lost a very very important person to me to breast cancer and she was wonderful. My client's illness makes me think of her often and I am always more than happy to indulge. But it is sad nonetheless.

So, the rest of the day included a tan, and a walk, and a nap - which I love. Very rejuvenating and now it seems that I am finishing the day in a very pensive state of mind. The few minutes of walking in the Winter sun made me think of Spring and long for warmer weather. I think what I really need is a beach vacation and a new swimsuit.

Honestly though, there is a lot to think about now. Lot's to happen in the next few days and coming weeks. I'm eager to get started...

It's All About Observation...

2007-02-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

So, I spent a few days back in Ontario visiting family and really had a wonderful time. It was rush rush as usual, but it was good to see everyone, including a few friends that I have missed dearly. My grandparents continue to make it through and they are somewhat of an inspiration. So much so that I spent the hours driving and on the plane thinking a lot about where things are headed and where they have been.

I haven't written here for a while because I honestly feel like I have not had much to say. I was starting to feel really stuck and didn't know where it was coming from. That was until I sat down on my mini vacay to work on a questionnaire that I friend devised for the purpose of looking back over the past year and also ahead to this new one. The questions were thoughtful and writing a response gave me some pause. I have been needing to re-evaluate what is going on for me and where it is headed for the past few months and I think that is why I have been stuck. I haven't been able to get a grasp on it.

There need to be some changes. See what happened was that I stopped believing that I could do it. That I could get back on track and get those things I have lost over the past year back in one form or another. I stopped believing that I could... that I was strong enough. I'm a little ashamed of that. That has just never happened before. I have always been so headstrong and determined to get things that I set my mind out to get.

I just got knocked down. Hard. And getting back on my feet hasn't been easy. It occurred to me while I was driving through the snow in the Ontario countryside that I just stopped believing in me for a little while. Realizing that made me sad. It made me want to pull over and give myself a big slap in the face.

How could I do that? How could I let that happen to me? What a sad feeling that was. But right behind it, was resolve, and another realization - that I recognize what happened now and I have started to figure out why I have been feeling so stuck - so unable. And I'm not.

It was a good trip. Mostly because I opened a new door to a new/old me and that feels good.

A Lack of Excuses...

2007-01-06T00:42:00.000-05:00

So, after being absent from my blog for far far too long I have finally managed to sit down here after a completely overdone day to write a little bit. I have been missing writing for a while and really have no excuse for taking some time off from it. I know, all the holiday business this time of year, but all of that is self inflicted and I need to be making time for this too - because it matter to me and I find it such a great place to be able to put what is in my head out there for all to see...

An interesting article caught my eye on CNN today about a critic of Oprah's new school in South Africa. I have to say that after listening to her criticisms I was left almost speechless. How dare anyone critique the fact that Oprah decided to build - with millions of her own money - a school for some of the neediest young women in the world... there is just no angle, no argument that you can make that would justify viewing this amazing thing that she has done in a negative light.

While watching this woman angrily tear apart Oprah you could see where it was coming from - she's mad that she is not somehow benefiting personally from this great gift that Oprah has made. The main point of her critique was questioning why Oprah did not build here in America first and instead chose to go to another country to do her good deed. What a fucking ridiculous thing to ask. The fact that she even remotely considers low-income Chicago students to be on the same level as orphaned and impoverished African students blows my mind.

Listen, I taught in an inner-city school in one of the most disadvantaged neighborhoods in this nation and even started my own school, and let me tell you, there is a world of difference between the two. My students always had the option of attending a school. The building was always there, and the teachers were always waiting... so many of them chose not to come and often because there was no value placed on a education for them by themselves or their family. The students that Oprah is offering an education to come from regions where quite often the school doesn't even physically exist and getting the chance to attend one is an incredible honor.

How bout a little bit of that here eh? That just made me so angry. The nerve of that woman.... I'm still amazed.

Speaking of amazing, as always, check out Mr Chad White above.... also another person who makes me speechless, although for different reasons of course.

A Long Time Between...

2006-12-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last post and I have been trying to think of reasons why.... Is it because I have been so busy with work of late? Or is it because I haven't had anything that I really wanted to say? Or maybe something else...

To be honest I don't know - in the days after my birthday I started down what I knew would be a reflective and soul-searching path. I could tell it was coming - the time of year and all... I always get a little deeper around this time of year and this one is more so than many others a time when I feel like I need to look back on some things and try to make a little sense out of it all.

The kicker is that it doesn't make sense.

I can see whey the universe might lead me where it has professionally, and I can see the reasons behind all of the personal upheaval... and yet still all of the hurt and all of the pain and tears don't seem to weigh things out very evenly. I almost cried at work today if you can believe it? I was doing the most menial of tasks and a thought just flashed through my mind and the profound sense of loss that I have bounced around inside all year just touched the surface for a second. It caught me off guard - almost scared me in a way to think that it is all right there just below the surface.

So, what I am hoping for this Christmas is a little bit of time to think back over the past year and try to sort it out a bit - try to sift through the surface stuff and focus a little more on what was good about it all. I cherish that time for reflection because I afford myself so little of it. I know I should do it more... but something always comes along.

So, I wish for a little more time this year...

Another Year Older And...

2006-12-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

So, I am a little bit older and feel maybe just a little bit wiser - I guess that is the name of the game right? Thinking back over the past year I have seen some the the biggest and proudest moments of my life along with some of the most profoundly sad and disheartening. As a friend of mine oftne says, it is all about balance... one part of your life swings up and the other swings down - it all keeps you in balance. Sometimes that is tough to handle though. You just want it all to run smoothly just for a little while.

I just finished watching A Prairie Home Companion and what a strange little movie that is. Full of incredible talent and despite her latest fumbles, Lindsay Lohan manages to pull of a decent performance next to some of the biggest talent out there in Hollywood. I'm certainly not a big fan of hers, but she manages to do okay.

Thant's not the point though. There is a number about two-thirds of the way through the movie - a song to Mama that is really really beautiful. Just a sweet reminder of someone lost to you who meant a great deal... That number alone makes the movie worth seeing.

On the lighter side, I have begun my Holiday shopping. The tree is up and almost fully decorated. I decided to to light blue and silver this year. I change the colours every year and of course that means I have literally crates of ornaments. I love doing it. It's a little hard to be doing without that someone here but it is okay.

I've got a very posh and I'm sure divined Christmas party to attend tomorrow evening and I have the outfit all planned. I'm hoping for some cute boys there and maybe a little bit of flirting and fun. I know the party planner from my work and his events have seem to have quite a reputation. I guess we'll see....I'll be looking for the boy above. Happy Holidays indeed.

The Snow Is A Comin....

2006-11-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

So, I can't wait for the snow to arrive in NYC. They lit the tree in Rockafeller Centre yesterday - it's right near my work - and although the crowds made it temporarily unbearable, there is something about that ceremony that makes this city feel officially set for the holidays. NYC in the winter is so great. I really hope that we have snow this year that sticks around. The wet and slushy kind is just a major inconvenience and gets all grey and gross so quickly. So I am looking forward to winter...

With that approaching of course there's lots to remember and I have got to send out cards this year. I am the worst at writing letters and promised myself I would do it this time around. I get all nostalgic and wishy-washy around this time. I will also be celebrating a birthday in a couple of days. Doing some celebrating with friends this weekend so that should be nice.

I have to mention a bit of politics here too. Not to rain on the parade but just to point out that Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, is a complete and utter Jackass. I wouldn't put him in a league near that of Bush in terms of how grand an Asshole he is, but he's pretty bad.

As proud as I am of being Canadian, it makes me sick to think that that jackpot is in control right now. Although it should be noted that he only has a minority government so his time is running very very short. So, basically he has promised to introduce a bill before Christmas proposing that the Canadian government re-open the debate on Gay marriage. Everyone knows the bill will not pass including Harper, so he is using specifically to reassure his legions of Conservative whackjobs that he is indeed a right wing christian and is always going to fight for their definitions of what constitutes a proper life.

What really irks me about it is that he is using gays and lesbians to do this in such a twisted way. He knows the bill will not pass, but he also knows that proposing the discussion will get LGBT groups to be vocal and advertise and lobby and the result will be an upswing in support from christian nutties. That basically makes us fundraisers for him. Yuck. The more we vocalize opposition the stronger his base is going to rally. I hate that. It makes me want to tell the LGBT groups to keep it quiet - but then they can't do that or it is like saying that what he is proposing is okay....

Just bugs me that it so works in his favour right now. That sucks. Man I wish there was some Foley-esque dirt on him, but that would mean someone else was taken advantage of.... Maybe he's got a Mike Jones in his closet - mmmm that would be sweet. He needs a lover like the dude above right?

Exhausted By...

2006-11-26T00:11:00.000-05:00

So, I am at the point where I am completely exhausted - you know, when you hit the end of a long stretch of work and there is just one more day left to get through and you are wondering how you are going to do it. I can honestly say that my Monday and Tuesday off are going to be two of the most welcome in a long long time.

I'm working in an industry that like most gets all wound up this time of year and although it's great that the cash is flowing in and we are looking at nice bonuses, it is truly truly tiring. In that inner body tired sort of way.

I'm looking at a Birthday too in the next week or so - I am a sag to the core. Just about everything that I have read about my sign I seem to agree with to some extent. It's curious because I don't really know how much I buy into all of that, but there seems to be something to it. A dear friend and I will be celebrating together this year and it should be fun. Of course as I am constantly trying not to remind myself (it's not working very well) it will be the first I have celebrated alone since I turned 20. As much as I try that is going to be on my mind and I can't seem to escape how it makes me feel.

I did have a really nice Thanksgiving (even though I celebrated the Canadian one too last month). Several good friends came over and we enjoyed some great food and great wine. A memorable time and I wish that I had had the next day off to recoup. I admire my mother so much for putting together all of those big family dinners year after year and still being able to get out of bed the next day and do something productive. I was a mess. Just too tired...

My mom always made the best family dinners and half a dozen times a year the extended family would all be together on the farm and it was always so much fun. Those are events that I miss. My mom does too and I feel bad that they don't happen any more. My dad is not doing well and unfortunately my sisters have chosen to distance themselves. It is the healthiest choice for them and I almost envy their ability to do so. At times I think it would be the healthy choice for me too. I am sensing a pattern.

And of course the holidays continue to have me pining for a man to enjoy them with. I continue with the fantasy of it all... I am inspired to wear my jeans to the gym tomorrow (nah...)

Too Busy To Notice...

2006-11-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

So I finally have a bit of time to sit back and take a look at things. Work seems to have settled in a somewhat comfy routine. I am enjoying it and receiving some long overdue praise ( a special moment today was nice) and my life appears to be leveling out a little.

I almost didn't want to write those words. It's like those moments on soap operas when someone says "everything will be okay now" or "we'll be together forever - nothing will separate us now". Of course it is silly of me to think that the rocky times are over. I have a lot of work to do to clean up the mess that has been created over the past year and although I have had some moments to relax a little, I still have a lot of work to do.

But it does seem as though a little bit of the fog has lifted and that gives me reason to pause and stop and think about things... I think it has a little bit to do with the time of year as well. I'm always more reflective this time of year and as utlra cheesey as it may sound I have a ton of things to be grateful for. With all of the tough stuff has come a wealth of good things too (how Martha of me).

Speaking of Martha, I have to call up a recipe of hers some time tomorrow. I am making a bacon-wrapped turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and need her expertise. She rocks and I admire her drive. Now the only thing I need is a boy to share in the festivities with...

A Disturbing Development...

2006-11-15T23:28:00.000-05:00

So, I am just feeling unsettled by the events of the past few days... I am generally a very private person and tend to keep whatever it is I am going through to myself (save for this blog I guess).

I guess it all started with a horoscope I read a few days ago. Yes, I read them fairly religiously. I don't know why really - just looking for some direction I guess. One of them said something along the lines of "you may try to be squeeky clean as a new car, but that rusty tailpipe you are dragging around ins bound to cause problems." So, that has been it I guess. I have not finished dealing with things by any means. The issues with The Ex have resurfaced (as if they were very far below) and have generally highlighted what is now my complete lack of ability to trust anyone with my feelings. Granted they have been stomped on over and over again by both friends and loved ones... I have stuck around for whatever reason (it has yet to reveal itself).

What amazes me sometimes is my seemingly blind ability to find in people a reason to keep believing in them. That is likely what drew me to teaching in a burnt out school in the south bronx in the first place... this idea of trying to help someone change.

I guess I am in a very fuck-it sort of mood. You see, The Ex sends an email talking about making an attempt at working things out and says that we should talk - I respond - then nothing for two weeks... not a word. Of course as every day passes I become more and more anxious waiting for some type of response because these are words I have waited oh so long to hear and nothing.

So I keep asking myself why do I bother? Why do I bother putting my faith in people who take advantage and seem so self-righteous about it? He's not the only one in my life taking on such a role - I guess that speaks more to an issue I have with myself right? It feels pretty bleak and I am getting exhausted by it.

Results Finally....

2006-11-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

So, the election results were heartening. Finally that total jackpot in the Whitehouse is not going to have a completely blank slate when it comes to his agenda. It gives me back a little bit of hope in the USA - that maybe things can get turned around. I realize how it usually works with the backlash always happening right before a period of major change... but this one was getting tough to wait out. I'm glad the Dems have control. I just hope that they can be less political and more real just for a few minutes each day... I remain hopeful.

I'm also seriously looking forward to this weekend. My first Saturday off in god knows how long and I plan to enjoy myself. A friend who has been having a tough time of late needs his spirits lifted so I am going to try to get him to come out and get drunk tomorrow night.

I also got news that a dear friend is coming to visit before Christmas. I can't wait to see her. She has been fighting with her daughter (fighting in a support kind of way) to battle Anorexia. Seriously bad stuff and she almost died (the daughter). I guess something like Anorexia is just another of those things that is beyond my grasp of understanding. I'm glad she is doing well and recovering, although I understand it is a long long process.

An interesting day at work. I met lots of regional people in for a big conference, many of whom I have spoken to over the phone several times. It was nice to put a face to the voices. Although to be completely honest I was hoping for more cute men... I think I am just about the youngest guy there. Gave me reason to pause and think...

So, here's to an exciting and hopefully eventful weekend. Despite my missing a man to share it with I remain optimistic as usual. Something like the pic would do just fine :)

Is It Really Fall....

2006-11-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that we are back into warm weather here in NYC again... I finally had a day off after 14 in a row and got to enjoy a warm-ish Fall day in the city.

I've said if before, but I love this city in the Fall. I wish I had had time today to go up to Central Park and really get a look at everything before all of the leaves are really gone. That Fall smell in the fallen leaves is amazing and the skating rink is already open (I think).

More than anything I wish that I had a guy to enjoy it with. There was some small promise a few weeks ago and I understand how and why that did not work out... I just would rather be sharing this time with someone special. I am one of those people who does not need a large social circle - never have - but a guy to hang with on days like these in a romantic way would be great. I know, everyone single wants that right... blah blah I should stop complaining. It will be one of those things that the moment I stop looking will happen right?

I'm following the election pretty closely tonight. I really like the idea of that utter jackass being rendered a lame-duck president. He is such an embarrassment and I'm not even American. I almost have to look away when he is speaking on TV. There is something so wrong about a man having that much power with so little for brains. I hope the Dems kick ass.

Of course I would have felt better about the whole political situation here if I hadn't floated the idea of everyone who could going out to vote at work and having that met with utter disdain and just plain ignorance. That was a serious bummer.

Okay, so I've got my eyes set on a relaxing weekend with a fun night out on Saturday. I would love to find some sexy new place to go out to. I'm getting a little bored of the same old same old... We'll see.

Pleasant? Distraction...

2006-11-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

As I spent time wondering about whether or not an age difference would be too much for me to handle the curious connection with the cute boy faded out. Despite thinking that it is a real shame that we did not have the chance to get to know each other better I did have a great time with him. He brought up something in me that made me feel really good.... I guess I am longing for that.

In the meantime contact with The Ex has gotten other things stirring and I am left wondering things like how much hurt is too much to come back from, and at what point do you begin to lose integrity in longing for someone that does not feel the same way. It is a difficult conversation to have with myself and despite some invaluable input from friends I am left trying to sort this one out on my own.

One close friend recounted the hurt that pushed her to her limit and I can definitely relate. What I wonder though is... Are you being true to yourself if you push the feelings aside and move on because routine is more comfortable and easier to cope with? I don't know to be honest. I think that the routine and the comfort of your life apart from this person plays an important role but then what do you do with all of the other - all of the internal stuff that is clogging up the drains?

Part of what has been so upsetting about contact from The Ex again is doubting what I am feeling. It's scary and sensing that doubt in itself is frightening.

But of course on a lighter note, we hired models today to just walk about the offices/showroom with champagne - they changed hourly and simply spent the day answering to our whims for pinot and bubbly. The boys were sexy and oh so friendly - getting paid well of course - but all the same it made for pleasant distraction. We were all taking acute notice of the wardrobe changes - The Line is so killer!

Eventful Issues...

2006-10-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

So, a couple of days ago I posted about a cute boy I met and how he had left me feeling... well I guess you can read it right below this post. He has made the past week eventful to say the least. As I mentioned in the previous post we had a really great day walking around the Botanical Gardens here in NYC and it was one of those days that you just don't get very often... and hence the events of the past week.

I said before that I find him intriguing and remarkably cute - I didn't mention that one of the reasons that I was feeling as I did was that there is a big age difference between us. I wouldn't have thought that seeing someone younger would be an issue but as it turns out it is - and surprisingly more for him it seems than me.

During dinner last week I asked him how old he was. He's definitely younger and it gave me reason to stop and think - having dated somone exactly the same age for a decade it never crossed my mind that there would be any reason to think of age as an issue (as long as everyone is an adult - and we both are). So, why does it matter? I mean, I get the obvious stuff but when you feel like you connect with someone in a way that strikes you as probably pretty rare then why does it matter? I have polled some of my friends and they each have their own take on it. Most say that in the end what matters is how the person makes you feel and vice versa. I hope that is it and would very much like it to be so... I'm not sure it will be though.

I have to be honest, what I find most interesting about him is that initial connection. I didn't just pick him up to hook up. I'm tired of that and it doesn't really interest me - it never really did. I like the connection. I like feeling like there is a reason why I am with this person. He seems to too. He was very vocal about it - I wonder if that will outweigh the other.

I'm still a sucker for a great smile...

A Cute Boy....

2006-10-24T22:23:00.000-04:00

A funny thing tonight... I met a really cute boy over the weekend. He is remarkable and he has left me feeling a little out of sorts I guess.

I have to say that the number one thing I find attractive about a guy is his smile. This boy has a magical smile. It's shy, and sexy, and sly all at the same time. Amazing little dimples. Of course a smile only does so much right - well this one has brains. We had some great conversation over dinner and I love how he sees the world. Plus a body doesn't hurt - one like the pic right?

So, out of sorts... a little funny to be feeling this, while feeling all of that still. Still with the feeling a little bi-polar and still with the confusion that leaves me with. I'm sitting around here - just a quiet evening and mulling over events of the past few days... a trip to the Botanical gardens and the incredible fall colours. Chihuly exhibit in the Conservatory... really a nice time - romantic and sweet and a gorgeous day.

So, what does that leave me with - out of sorts - why? I feel like it shouldn't but I know why it does. I'm really not sure what to do........

Losing Someone Special...

2006-10-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

Some time in the next few days my grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties, is going to die... I've been thinking a lot about her and trying to realize the fact that I am never going to see her again. For so long she was an almost everyday fixture in my life. I used to ride my bike home from school and stop at her house before getting there to spend some time with here. When I was able to visit with her briefly a few weeks ago she mentioned those bike rides and how special that was to her. I remember thinking that she didn't look very good and it crossed my mind that she may not be around for much longer...

It was a special visit and I left feeling really good about being able to catch up with her and enjoy her company one last time. It makes it seem so strange that I am writing this now, knowing that she is still living (although not responsive). In a way I feel like she is already gone and in a sense she is. We had a last visit and I think that maybe we both sensed that that was what it was. She spoke of things that we didn't normally talk about and we laughed about me flying home to visit and how strange she thought it was... she has only been in a plane once in her 95 years and it was such a short trip. She always seemed amazed that I managed to get home to visit as often as I did. I always tried to make time for a visit with them no matter how brief it was.

She had a strange relationship with my parents. Her son, my dad, has had a difficult time dealing with a myriad of issues and I think that he is going to take her parting hard. I think that it may actually in the end be some much needed closure for him on some long standing issues that have never really been confronted.

Her passing will be very very sad for me. I will miss her and it makes me think of another who is not a part of my life right now. Reflecting on her role in my life makes me glad that I never missed an opportunity with her. My life with my grandmother seems complete... I don't like thinking that the other is not.

It is going to be a very sad day.

Fall in NYC...

2006-10-16T23:45:00.000-04:00

I'm in kind of a romantic mood of late... of course I don't have anyone to get romantic with right now but that doesn't seem to stop my mind from wandering. I think that it has a lot to do with the weather. I love New York in the Fall. There is something about this city that seems to come alive this time of year.

The summer here is so oppressive - the heat makes it almost unbearable. Anyone with any sense and any money manages to escape this place during the worst of it. The rest of us are just left here to suffer and endure the sweating misery on the subway.

But that all comes to an end when Fall arrives. I get to pull out my favorite clothes and all of my jackets and scarves. My mom knit me the most amazing scarves last year for my store and I have a few left over. They are these huge chunky knit wool scarves that I sold for a fortune in my store and the look fantastic. I can't wait to have them out and wear them around town. I want to put on some of my fav clothes and sit outside on a patio somewhere and just enjoy the city. I went to Gym Bar last week and they have this tiny little patio area out front and even standing out there (once the smokers were gone) was nice in the cool evening air...

And of course there is Central Park. Central Park in the Fall is truly amazing and even though I am not as close to it as I once was I try to get up there to see the leaves and walk around in that crisp air at least once or twice.... such romantic notions.... I guess I have love on my mind.... and boys... makes me want to wake up to the picture above every morning.

On a sadder note, I may lose a family member that I have been very close to in the coming days. My grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties is not doing very well and a call from my mother let me know that it may only be a few more days. I had such a nice visit with her a little over a week ago when I went home for a few days and I am so glad that I did. She has always been very important to me and we were very close when I was growing up. I grew up on the farm next door to her's and spent a part of almost every single day there for years... she always had the most beautiful home. So many great memories there...

A Couple of Things...

2006-10-08T23:34:00.000-04:00

So, I have been working like a madman and in an attempt to catch up on some extra expenses I have maybe been taking on a bit more than I can chew. The opportunity for me to do a little bit of work back at one of the schools in Manhattan has presented itself and I may do it for a few days a month. It will have to be on my days off and I think it might be okay.... makes me nervous though.

All the work plus my mom was here visiting for a week and I of course loved that and felt terribly guilty that I had to work while she was here. On the few days I had off we went to the Vollard exhibit at the Met. I loved it! I am a big Gaugin fan and although I was never so much in Renoir the pieces in the show were really something. There was even a restored film that showed Renoir shortly before his death. It was footage of him working with arthritis so severe that his hands almost didn't resemble actual hands - they were so twisted and swollen from the arthritis. He must have been in such pain and yet still managed to create things of such unique beauty. Amazing really. I think my mom really liked it too.

I am stoked about the new show coming at the Brooklyn Museum this month. It is a retrospective of Annie Leibovitz. It's going to be incredible. She has taken so many iconic shots over the past twenty years and I find her work absolutely stunning. Can't wait.

It was just so great having mom here to visit. She's amazing. I do not go back home to the farm very often anymore since my dad had such a huge falling out with most of the rest of the family. So many issues there that there just isn't enough time here for them. Suffice it to say that his problems have all but driven his entire family away from him. It's sad really. I've just reached a point with it where I have realized that he's not likely going to change - ever. That makes it a little easier I guess because I've spent so much time wanting him to change so that we could have a real relationship. It's not there though... who knows really but I don't hope for it as much as I used to.

On a personal note I met a very charming man last night. It was a strange encounter really because he had many qualities that I would normally find very intriguing... but there was just something missing. I was attracted to him physically and all but it seemed strange that I just wasn't so much in the mood for anything really... granted, we had some fun, but I guess it is just that I want more - something deeper - something bigger - something more... makes me feel blue. The pic is Thijs Van Gils - a talented photographer with a very sexy eye.

Republicans Are Fucking Idiots!

2006-10-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

I have been away in Canada visiting family for a couple of days and I come back to what??? A Republican scandal involving Rep. Foley from Florida in rehab with his lawyer claiming that he is most definitely not a pedophile but an alcoholic who only acted the way that he did because of the booze!

Seriously, are you kidding me? I am so very very sick and tired of the Republican machine just thinking that everyone must be so fucking stupid. I mean, the guy made sexual advances at children right? That makes you a pedophile right? I don't care if you've had a drink or not you made a sexual advance to a child... pedophile. Period. Yet, the republicans will convince millions of Americans that it's okay because he is battling a serious illness. The poor man is an alcoholic. What a total fucking mockery of the system, and a complete insult to anyone with half a brain. I can't even imagine a reasonable person looking at this situation and not thinking that this guy is a pedophile who needs to be charged and that the leaders of the Republican party must share in some of the blame for covering up whatever portion of this sordid tale that they knew about.

Oh, and how dare those nutjobs over at Americans for Truth or whatever the hell they call themselves equate Foley's actions with being seduced by the homosexual agenda. When are they going to admit that the vast majority of pedophiles are straight white men? When? Serisously, drop dead!

Okay, so enough anger for now... it totally steams me up.

I am battling allergies that are almost too much for me. The plane ride home to the parents place was a killer, I thought I might sneeze myself to death by the time I got off and it was only a sixty minute flight.

It was a nice visit home though. I saw my new niece and some friends. I was hoping for a night to go out in my home town which is becoming increasingly gay and I am curious to see how it is going. God, if only it had been this way when I was in high school. I imagine I would have had a lot more fun. It was such a conservative place through the 80's and a gay bar was the furthest thing from my imagination. Now there are several and they look like fun.... bummer that I didn't have time to enjoy. I am hoping that when I do I find someone to have some fun with like the pic above..... it's no likely that gay yet... but a boy can dream right?

I am Seriously Becoming Bi-Polar...

2006-09-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

Seriously, can you do that? Can someone just develop bi-polar syndrome (is it even a syndrome)? I'm wondering because more and more I am beginning to feel like I am on this completely mental rollercoaster ride... I have a job I love and I am really good at it, and at the same time my life is a complete mess. I used to have a job I was good at that sucked and drove me to tears on a regular basis, and a relationship that depsite it problems made me quite happy. It's just never good all round is it? I guess it is just karma's way of balancing out the universe.

Earlier this year I began to feel like Karma was givin' it to me nice'n'rough and was seriously pissed at something I had done in a previous life. Granted things are better than that now but it was a tough go for a while there.

Of course this is all stemming from a sit-down with The Ex and all of the emotional entanglements that entails. We met to discuss a few things face-to-face. It was my idea because the back and forth via email jsut leaves so much open to interpretation and there is the waiting for a response and repsonding and then wiating again. Not fun in the least.

So, we met and it was strange this time... I was attempting to explain it to a friend and almost couldn't because the feeling during and after was so strange. Strange and yet familiar and it took me a few days of pondering it before actually figuring out what was going on. I think we could both feel there when we were sitting across from each other. We could feel that the anger had abaited somewhat and could feel some of what was there before it came and invaded my life. We paused a lot and just sat there looking at each other and man I tell ya I miss sitting across from him and just being able to look at him. After some of the tough discussion was over we actually had the chance to jsut speak to each other a little bit like we used to. It always came so easy for us to just sit and discuss whether there was meaning to it or not. It was just a comfort level for me...

What makes me feel bi-polar is that I came away from our meeting feeling good. I got to see him and talk with him and feel something coming back and yet I left angry too because he went back to the sham of a relationship he is in - a relationship with someone he admits to not loving or being completely faithful to. It just seems like such a ridiculous and annoying waste of time as far as I can see and yet he insists that it is something he must do... I just don't understand.

Which leaves me vacilating back and forth between loving and missing that feeling that I caught a glimpse of and then being pissed that he is with someone else and can't seem to just get his shit sorted out. What a mess... in the end it just leaves me longing for what is pictured above.

Tah-Dah...

2006-09-25T00:29:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap did it ever get steamy and gross here in NYC this weekend. OF course it did not help much that the AC is off in my building and it all runs centrally so I got screwed trying to sleep last night. No pun intended.... I came home from the bar alone.

Speaking of the bar, Urge by the way, there was this cute little guy standing in front of me doing what seemed to be the strangest flirting ever... he had his back to me, but would periodically turn and look around and our eyes would meet, then he would sort of shuffle back a bit towards me.... what is that about? I mean he go close enough that he eventually bumped my shoes and it;s not like the place was packed. So, come on! If you wanna flirt that is the weirdest way to do it. I admit it he was cute and I totally would have chatted him up (and perhaps not come home alone) but he didn't way a word and just kept moving back a little bit at a time.... so strange.

So, I left early (had to work and wasn't really into it) and left my friend there who I must say managed to have a better time than me. He got back home around 5:00 am...

Work was crazy today and I didn't even get a lunch break. I am learning some new scheduling templates and the first time always takes like ten times longer than it should. But it worked out so all is good. What was amusing about today was that I met three of the trashiest women I have ever seen. Three generations of Pure Jersey White Trash (that is officially your title once you hit the third generation). Grandma was in burgundy sweats and green flip flops while her daughter... let's call her Ol' Fake Tits had some of the biggest hair I have ever seen. Meanwhile the grandaughter who I think may have gotten her fakes for her eighteenth birthday present was a sight to behold.

You know they call them Jersey Girls for a reason and I tell ya it gets more and more true all the time. I guess I shouldn't be so cruel. They were actually kind of nice in the end (after making an ill-fated attempt at ordering me to do something). I had to lay down some ground rules and it was all good following that.

Ack, so it is too hot in here to sleep again and if only I had someone like the pic above to keep my mind off of it I would get some rest (eventually right?).

My Head Hurts and I'm Horney...

2006-09-21T00:12:00.000-04:00

So, I have had a headache for two days! It's killing me. Usually I am the type of person who tries to stay away from pills and drugs to try to overcome such things but this is seriously beyond what I can handle. I am going to have to get some meds tomorrow if this thing is still hanging on.

Fall TV is beginning and I seriously wish that I did not enjoy it as much as I do. Aside from my all time fav Project Runway, I managed to catch the premiere of Nip/Tuck. What an absolutely awesome show. I am definitely going to try to see some more of it. That and Studio 60. I will watch anything that is written by Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, several of his episodes of the West Wing brought me to full on tears. His writing is brilliant and I love that he holds no punches when sticking it to the Right. Republican suck. As we all heard over and over again here in NYC while the UN General assembly met. I just wish that this country could get it figured out. We are far from perfect to the North but we really have managed to get passed a lot of the stupid shit that seems to hold up the government down here. Seriously, government hearings over Janet Jackson's boobs! Gimme a goddamn break.

Back to TV... on the BBC America there is this Shipwrecked show that I managed to catch a few episodes of like a year ago and I have managed to find it again. It kills me to watch all of those gorgeous tropical sunsets with tanned boys wearing next to nothing. It's a great show - there's no voting off the island or eating bugs. It's all about creating communities and welcoming in new members and convincing them to stay. What a great idea.... maybe something we need more of over here? That and the boys are so so cute. And of course the Brits don't shy away from throwing in a few mo's for all of us gay boys to watch. Actually all of the guys are British so they are walking a fine line as it is. I managed to find a pic of two of them.... I wanna go there and yum.

Okay, so headache gone tomorrow. Done.

My Lucky Number....

2006-09-16T00:33:00.000-04:00

So, I just finished watching the movie Lucky Number Slevin for the second time. I saw it first when it was in the theatres and loved it. I have been waiting patiently for it to come out on DVD ever since and finally I picked it up yesterday. There is just something about that movie.... it really works perfectly. Great cast, great dialogue, great styling... I get all worked up over just the wallpaper they used. The stylist on this one was a genius. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Josh Hartnet spends the first half an hour in a towel playing a bit of a mouthy punk. You gotta love that right?

Such a ridiculous day today. I went in to work a bit early and was completely drenched. It rained nonstop for the entire day today here in NYC, and I was soaked when I arrived. Thank god I have a change of clothes at work or I would have been miserable from start to finish. But it was just an odd day... maybe it was just the weather but I couldn't seem to get moving. I was a little tense and sore from a good workout the day before and just felt kinda bummed. It didn't help that I nodded off in the tanning bed at the gym and now have a nice rosey glow that was pointed out by several people that I work with. Embarrassing, but at least they can't tell when I blush over it.

Speaking of the gym, I am giving a new location a try. I like it - Crunch that is. They are making a lot of improvements after it kind of fell apart for a year or so. When Bally's owned it the place totally lost it. They were just really cheap and it is not a cheap gym to belong to. So, the upkeep is much better with the new owner and I like this brand new location on fourth avenue. Not too many boys though.... which makes the workouts a little less inspiring. I'm hoping it fills up soon with some Josh Hartnet look-alikes ;) or maybe just the boy from above... such a cutie.

Been a While...

2006-09-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I do my best to update my blog every other day but this past week has been a tough one. Friends birthday's to celebrate, friends visiting town, and lots and lots of work have prevented me from being here for a few days.

Work continues to steam full-speed ahead and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. I know I have mentioned it before but it is something that I am really good at doing and although not the most challenging job I have ever had it is kind of nice to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labours rather that just hoping that they are paying off somewhere.

I had an interesting chat today with someone about how we seem so willing at times to deceive ourselves. Whether it be to convince ourselves that we are happy doing what we are doing, where we are doing it, or who we are doing it with. It made me think of both my job as a teacher, where I endured seemingly unending insults, degradation, and professional humiliation, and it made me think of The Ex, who has done such a number on me...

Celebrating a birthday party of a dear friend who used to be a mutual friend of ours when we were together made me think of him also. It used to be so nice to be a room full of people and be able to look at him and know that there was that person that meant the world to me and that whether the party was a dud or not he was going to be there with me when I left. A romantic notion I know but it was there nonetheless and one that I made note of often. Plus, it seemed that celebrating this birthday was just another marker in the distance between us. Funny, The Difference Between Us is one of Tina Turner's best songs and I have always loved it... God I miss him.

I don't know why I stayed at the teaching post so long knowing how incredibly difficult it was both mentally and physically. I recall having to clean the mouse shit off of my desk every morning in my classroom because our building was completely infested. There were even times when mice would run across the classroom floor in the middle of a lesson - can you imagine getting everything back to order following that? It was such an unhealthy place to be in a physical sense let a lone a mental one. So why did I stay? I did I keep showing up there day after day? What was it that I was attempting to convince myself of? I think we ignore the obvious sometimes because we want our world to exist the way we believe that it should. But it's not just our world is it? And it's never the same as anyone else's.

Of course in my world I am starting to need a better tan so I think I better try to get some sun on my next day off. I turn a terrible shade of white in the Winter months if I don't keep it up regularly... I'm hoping to look like the pic by some time in mid-December... of course it's not just his tan that I like.

Feeling...... Better?

2006-09-04T23:54:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the cold is defeated and it only managed to last a couple of days. Too much stress, bad food, and not enough sleep. Problem solved. I slept in this weekend and took it easy. No work with clients (except one) and lots of lazing about in the sun once it finally appeared.

So I am feeling better physically but I am also in one of those puzzled moods I tend to get in when I am thinking of the big picture things... I just finished watching Lord of War (and Syriana a few days ago). If you haven't seen either I recommend them both. Both are based on very current world events and unfortunately both are extremely depressing when it comes to the cruelty that humans inflict on each other. I tend to be a vigilant optimist, even when it sometimes is against my better judgment, but man we can be real assholes when we want to be. It just pisses me off that so many people are so ignorant of the world around them and go about their lives without a care for anyone much less themselves.

I realize that this is a choice they have made to conduct their lives this way. I know from experience that those who truly want to know, and want to move in a different direction, even when deprived of education and basic amenities, can do so. So it pisses me off that so many people who have and who know choose to do nothing. Movies like these do tend to leave me with a feeling of helplessness that I know is not accurate but you just have to wonder when our direction with change.

What's really sad is that I felt the same way watching the MTV VMA awards. What a pathetic spectacle. I love a big party, cool music, hot fashion, and general sexiness as much as the next big queen but come on! It just seemed like stupidity was the rage and just acting like a complete jackass is the ultimate. Even when Pink (who was likely half in the bag) stood up and mocked the "stupid girls" nobody really seemed to get it.... so sad.

And now back to the superficial... it is beginning to feel like Fall is setting in here in NYC and I can't wait. I can't wait to pull out my fav clothes and be able to wear a jacket around. I love NYC in the Fall. It is the sexiest time of year and I want a man to share it with. I am not liking the single thing one bit. Not one bit. I want someone around to talk with, to argue with, to snuggle with, have sex with, and although I have wonderful friends around it is not the same... and all of this makes me dwell on The Ex - who has been making regular appearances in my dreams of late. Not happy ones, just memories of our time together and sadness that it has ended. Hate that too. Damn.

So this all leaves me angry with mankind and wanting a man (so if there is anyone out there that resembles Josh - pictured above - with a brain and a point of view, give me a call). Crap.

One Official Day, And An Exercise In Loverdom

2006-08-31T00:13:00.000-04:00

A dear friend and fellow teacher (or ex-fellow seeing as I am not teaching right now) sent me a question from her PD that posed a question about what it means when a Student shows a lack of respect/is disruptive in your classroom. It made me think - for two days and I'm not necessarily happy with what I have come up with. So, of course I have to write it down here...

Oh, and Angela finally got the boot on PR. Thank God! Now we just need to get rid of that idiot Vincent...

My response:

So, I have been thinking and thinking about your exercise and I think I have trouble with the word "disruptive"... when used re: the student, I think we are talking about a lack of respect - or outwardly disrespectful behavior right? Because I think lovers should be disruptive in the sense that they shake things up. I think that lovers should push all of your buttons and make you grow and think and change for the better. I think that the idea that there is that perfect person for you is scary because if they are perfect then why do they need you? So, if we are talking about when a Lover shows a lack of respect (I think that is what you were suggesting) then my response might be thus....

When a lover shows a lack of respect they are sending you a message that I think can be one of two things (and they are not necessarily mutually exclusive). I think that it can mean that they no longer hold you - the idea of you - in that untouchable space that should only be reserved for you.

I think that a lover should always have a place reserved for them within their partner that is a step beyond the rest of the world... a place where your feelings are something sacred, a place that is inconvenient to find sometimes but always worth it, a place filled with your love for them and your wellbeing and your desires...

I also think when they are disrespectful it can be a sign that something is going wrong for them - something that they are having trouble understanding, dealing with, or denying that is attacking that place where they hold you so dear... I do think that when that space is invaded by whatever the outside force it signifies that a choice has been made. That space is only up for invasion when it is allowed to be and that choice, to not put you first, is... well this is where I get stuck. What does that choice mean? Do they just not love you any more? Has the love changed? Can they still love you and let that space get damaged?

It seems the answer is much more complicated than I thought it may ever be. Or, maybe I am too eager to make excuses and I am just being foolish... what do you think?

Ahhh love, what a fine mess I have made of it of late.

Nervous Nelly... And I Still Have Sore Feet!

2006-08-29T00:39:00.000-04:00

When I said I wanted to curse those damn Italian Shoemakers I wasn't kidding. I have literally been hobbled by an expensive new pair of dress shoes. As a result I have been wandering around Manhattan in the rain in sandals because the backs of my feet are so sore. Right, enough complaining about it.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. So much so that I don't think I am going to get much sleep tonight. I have to make an appearance in court. This is an entirely new thing for me. The landlord that subleased my store's property to me is... well, let's just say not terribly grounded in morals or ethics. As I hear many New York landlords are. So, we are having a bit of a dispute. The resolution of which will determine how soon I get to relocate and how fabulous it is going to be (it's all about money of course). Clearly I am in the right and let's just hope that the judge thinks so as well. Fingers crossed.

I started to introduce the cast of characters that I worked with at my old school and as it turns out I had dinner with a former colleague this evening. We had been out of touch for about six months or so because of various drama in both of our lives and it was amazing to re-connect. She is one of the very few teachers that I encountered in my time at my old school that has my undying admiration and complete respect when it comes to teaching. She did an amazing job when the odds were clearly stacked against her. So as with all conversations involving more than one teacher the conversation eventually turned to our old haunt and wow, I almost begin to forget some of the madness and then it all comes rushing back to me... I will have to introduce more cast members soon.

For now I would like to comment on a story posted on one of my fav blogs (towleroad). The story is about an Inn in Meade Kansas and if you have not heard of what is going on there please read this
and then the update on today's Towleroad talks about how Fred Phelps and his gang of fucking nutjobs was protesting in front of this Inn recently. I tell ya there is nothing, absolutely nothing that disgust me more that than piece of shit Fred Phelps. What a son-of-a-bitch. He is one of the very few people on this planet that I sincerely wish would just drop dead.

However, as a result of his little Crazy Protest I am actually considering a short vacation to Meade Kansas to stay at this Inn and spend some serious cash there to support them. This is a straight couple who have taken up a very big fight and I think that the gay community should organize a big, no huge trip en masse to Meade Kansas to spend lots of money at this Inn and make it hugely successful. Anyone who is interested in going is welcome to email me here and we can work out details. I'll make the arrangements... I'm not kidding... let's go!

So in honour of the Westboro Baptist Church and Fred Phelps here is a picture of a hot gay guy that I would love to do a bunch of sinful things to.

Okay, It Has Begun... And My Feet Are Bleeding

2006-08-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

Finally, I am officially paperworked and processed and all set to be working away at my shiny new job. I walked around the offices on Friday with the biggest grin on my face - I kept thinking to myself "Try not to look like a complete idiot" over and over again. I hope it worked. Although I really am not sure. It's all a bit of a blur. Mostly because by the time I was half way through introductions I realized that the new shoes I had just purchased to go with my black suit were now past the point of giving me blisters and were now just cutting into my flesh. Curse those fantastic Italian shoe designers!

I do think I am going to get along with my co-workers fabulously though so that is exciting. Apart from my own staff at my store I have not had a great deal of luck with cool and upbeat co-workers.
Take for example the random assortment of crazzies that comprised the staff of my school in the South Bronx. Here are just a few:

1. Head Crazy and Generally Abusive/Manipulative Woman

So, I am all for people who want to excel in their careers and really try to get ahead as quickly as possible, but when your main motivation is "I want to make $100 000.00 by the time I'm 30 no matter what." then chances are you are going to be a bit bankrupt in the morals department. The individual will creep under, crawl over, step on, or set aside anyone that sits between her and the $$'s. That is of course unless it means doing something right just because it is the right thing to do - then she's typically "in a meeting".

2. Most Completely and Totally Crazy Person I Have Ever Met

There are not even words to describe this one.... This is just the best example of who he is. I was working on the computers in his classroom and popped in just at the start of class to install a cable - hopefully with little or no disruption. As I entered the room the students were all huddled over in one corner and quickly looked at me and whispered "Shhhh. Mr. Crazy is sleeping - he's not feeling well." and sure enough over on the other side of the classroom, laying on the floor, was Mr. Crazy! Fully asleep.

Oh the cast of characters involved in that place. I will have to introduce more here soon.

On the fun side, I brought home a cute British boy last night. After an evening of wine and antipasto on a patio I headed off to the bars with my friend and immediately was drawn to this tall lanky Brit. We hit it off and ended up heading back here to my place for an evening (or should I say early morning?) of fun. I could listen to that accent all day.... yum.

So, it's cloudy and gray and I am lazing about my pad. The pic is my mood to a "t".

Ack! Can You Believe It?

2006-08-23T00:39:00.000-04:00

After being nervous for the entire weekend and still yesterday I finally got all dressed up in my finest couture and headed off to my first day at what really is quite a dreamy job... and guess what??? The individual who was supposed to sit and fill out all of the requisite paperwork with me had called in sick. I was devastated. Of course I had to put on such a happy face and say "Oh, no problem, I'll get in touch with her over the phone and we can reschedule... blah blah blah". I was so excited and it felt so good and then nothin'.

So, I guess I get to be excited about it all over again tomorrow and I will just pretend that that is my first day.

It's weird that way cause this seems to have a habit of happening to me. Take for example my very first job here in NYC... After moving here from Vancouver I was all bright eyed and unsuspecting as I made my way to the South Bronx (had never been before) to the school that I was assigned to. As I road the bus the short distance from the subway stop I passed burnt-out buildings, tons of garbage everywhere, and I quickly realized that I was indeed the only white person that I has seen for some time. I realize now how odd that seems and I can hardly believe it but it happened.

Anyhow, I get to my school and make my way to the main office where I find the other recruits gathering. The meeting had just begun and the principal notices me looking a little confused as I did not receive my snazzy welcome back (full of illegible photocopies and other useless garbage) and he says "and you are?". I responded with my name and he looked puzzled.... "and you are here for...?".

Well it turns out that he completely forgot hiring me and didn't have the slightest clue who I was. Not a clue! This despite the fact that we had spoken numerous times in the weeks leading up to this day and throughout all of our conversations he had no idea who I was. What and idiot! And to think that this was the best impression he gave to any of us. It was all down hill with him from there. Way down hill - a steep hill.

So, let's hope that today's little mishap is not going to be anything like my introduction to the wonderful and fantastic NYC Board of Education. God, it can't possibly be that bad.

For just a moment I would like to reflect on yesterday's pic... that one is gonna be hard to top. Possibly the hottest I have ever seen on any blog (not to brag or anything). Of course today's is good too as I continue with a streak of my ideal physical fantasies. Here's hoping.

What an Odd Day...

2006-08-21T23:37:00.000-04:00

A million things going on today and I didn't even go into work. I just couldn't sleep in as hard as I tried this morning and so I spent some time posting some old stereo equipment and electronics from my old office on e-bay. That whole place is a little fishy to me... so many people with so much crap to unload.

So, it was a quick trip to the gym and then a friend and I spent an hour or so soaking up some sun in Battery City Park. It's this beautiful little sliver of green on the southern tip of Manhattan. Gorgeously manicured lawns and a little bit of cruisy fun going on. Cute guys in swimsuits sweatin it up in the sun. Always my favorite (see pic above).

Then it was back home to take care of some business. I had to officially resign from the old/new job so I can get ready to start the new/new job tomorrow morning. I am excited and nervous... maybe that's why this day seems weird. So, I capped it off with an episode of Sex in The City that makes me cry at the end. What a pussy eh? It's the one where Trey comes in to pose for the H&G shoot even though he has just told Charlotte that the marriage is over. I just love when he tells her "this is important to you so I want to do it". Ah, where are those guys? Seriously. Where is a guy who can talk about the world from an informed point of view, who can joke about the nonsensical things that fill up our lives, who loves beautiful clothes/shoes, who wants passion? Ah, what am I thinking?

And now where am I? Sitting here thinking about all of that and anticipating tomorrow and knowing that a big day is coming up on Wed. and I will not be able to be a part of it... can't talk about that now.

Questions questions questions - I guess it's all a little much eh?

Something Has Shifted....

2006-08-20T23:44:00.000-04:00

Like We Never Loved At All

God Damnit! I am so Faith Hill in this video it's pathetic... and I'm not even a country music fan. I had such a great day walking around Manhattan in the sun. I went to my garden, did some shopping, bought several pairs of shoes I so don't need, and just generally looked fabulous and then it all went downhill.

I have a bit of spare time on my hands and what do I end up doing? Thinking about The Ex. Fucker Fucker Fucker! I'm pissed at him, and at myself for still being pissed at him.

It's odd though - something has shifted about all of this. I felt it yesterday while recovering from my nasty night out Friday evening. Something is different about all of this. I knew if the moment I woke up and even though I'm not sure what it is yet I know there is something there... I don't like it.

I've decided on no contact with The Ex whatsoever for now. For now that seems best because every time there is contact it is like torture because I hear things like "I miss us so badly" and "I miss our life together..." and of course I miss it too. But, while he is saying that to me he is dating another guy! I know, makes me sounds ridiculous but it is much bigger than that and after 10, yes Ten years together it is fuckin difficult to extract yourself from something that has so become a part of how you identify yourself. Sounds odd and I know it, but that's the way it is... anyway I feel like Faith (and not just because of the fabulous hair and wardrobe).

I Got It! And Then I Got Drunk...

2006-08-19T20:41:00.000-04:00

Okay so some celebrating was in order yesterday as I finally got an offer from the job that I had been after for the past few months. I got it - it's good - I start next week..... YAY!

I do feel bad about one thing though. The DM who recruited me for the job that I have been working for the past few weeks worked so hard to get me and the company literally created a new position in order to bring me on. She is very talented and driven and I admire that and was looking forward to working with her. I think we shared similar visions. So, having to tell her that I was jumping ship after such a short time was not the most pleasant thing. But true to form she did not take it personally and hope that we would remain professional contacts for the future. I was very impressed. She has got class ( a somewhat rare commodity these days).

So I am totally excited and can't wait to get into it. Of course this means another round of training for me (most of it redundant) but that is totally fine and I will work through it with a huge smile on my face.

Back to the celebrations. Well, my friend and I had some yummy cocktails here at home and then headed out to the bars last night. Things may have gotten a little out of hand here and there but it was all in good fun. Note I didn't say "good clean fun"... Yeah, I think we got a little dirty. Everyone needs to now and then. I am a bit foggy on the details but I do remember a guy with the tightest little butt I have ever laid hands on...

Needless to say we are taking it easy tonight and hopefully heading out to see The Illusionist.

What I would love more than anything is to head to the beach (see pic above) but I think they are saying rain for NYC tomorrow. That always means a day indoors... bummer.

A Blast From The...

2006-08-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

I heard from an old friend today.... someone that I have only actually seen in person three times in over a decade but we have managed to stay in touch off and on. We check in and even when I go a long time without hearing from her I know she is out there working hard at her school and raising wonderful and insightful children. She is very lucky in my books and I am glad to have known her for so long. It was so nice to have a hello waiting in my email from her after not being in touch for a while. Just a nice surprise.

So, I am on pins and needles as I await the new job offer and I cannot stop thinking about it. There will be some much deserved celebration this weekend if it all comes together. I went to the gym this aft. to try to work some of the tension off and only managed to strain my neck a little. I know, I know whine whine whine... well it hurts. On the brighter side I saw one of the totally hot trainers coming out of the shower and he just has the finest abs I have yet to see... and he is working a really nice tan to boot.

In other news I am deeply disappointed in the outcome of this evenings Project Runway. How could they vote off Allison over Vincent? I know that the producers like the crazies to stick around for controversy and ratings, and she did botch the dress but come on! She was so talented. Bummer. And following PR my Bravo guilty pleasure Workout... what can I say? Jackie is a bonehead for spending two days with Mimi let alone four years. Mimi is chronically insecure and really such a child. I find her embarassing to watch which is why of course this whole episode was about her. Lose her Jackie, you can do better (although showing up for a date dressed like a dude probably isn't going to help right?).

The pic - here's to friends popping back up to say hello.

You Gotsta Know...

2006-08-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

So, I just love this site... Overheard in NYC It makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and if you read yesterday's post I needed to laugh today. I wanted to just get out and enjoy New York City a bit so I spent a few hours at my garden. I grow flowers, veggies, and other edibles for a client in Flatiron on her terrace on the 15th floor. I find it to be so therapeutic... I was busy for hours just re-potting and trimming my trees and veggies. I am prepping the florals for Fall so I have begun planting Mums and these big Canna lillies that have stunning red blossoms on them. I've been doing it for years and this venture was really my first in NYC and was the launching pad for the renovations and remodeling business that I have been running on the side for the past four years. It keeps me busy.

The afternoon here was gorgeous and when I finished at my garden I wandered down to Union Square and sat on the big steps for a while in the fading sunlight. Really a very quiet moment in what is so often such a noisy city to be in. I got a chance to reflect a little bit and think about how much I love being here. I have always thought of NYC as such a sexy city and it is, especially on days like today.

Okay so back to the laughing... well below is an excerpt from the Overheard site and it so reminded me of my teaching days. I had many a day when students would just flat out say "Yo, Mista, what are you?" They were asking about my ethnic make-up. So after adressing the Yo, Mista mistep (totally not tolerated in my classroom) I would explain that I am British, Dutch, and Scottish... basically as white as it gets right? They always got a laugh out of that. It's a barrier that always seemed a breeze for me to overcome and yet is so pervasive everywhere in the US.

Here's the quote.... more after

Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin' a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I'm a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin' like the fuckin' president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don't know shit about livin' in New York.

I didn't realize how Big race was here until I had lived here for a little while. Canada has no history of racial tensions (at least nothing on the scale of this country) and so it seems to pass without much notice there. Being Gay for that matter is just not such a big deal there either. Sometimes that makes me miss home a little... but man, I love New York. What I need right now is a big fun weekend out on the town. Maybe get into a little trouble perhaps? Maybe something like the pic above...?

Must it be?

2006-08-15T01:13:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted. Not because it was a particularly gruelling day at work or anything like that... I received an email from The Ex, and with all that is involved in responding to it and working through everything that accompanies that including tears and all it has left me spent.

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man. Things took a wrong turn somewhere and we broke up earlier this year. What kills me is that as wrong as what he did was I still love him dearly... hence the tears. I realize that letting it go is what I must do. It is not what I want to do but I am resigned to the fact that this is what he wants and therefore it must be. I have never experienced anything on this scale when it comes to having my heart completely broken. He was everywhere in me and having to realize that there is soon a time approaching when I will not be in touch with him, not get to hold his hand, hot get to do any of the myriad things we did together... well it almost seems like more than I can bare.

In brighter and less emotional news I am one step closer to getting the job I have been hankering for for some time now. I started with the company that made me an offer a few weeks ago but this one is like the mother ship calling me home. I want this job bad and I will know by the end of the week if I have it or not. Wish me luck.

I also wanted to post a little something here about an experience I had recently at Whole Foods in Manhattan. Having registered my complaint through the proper channels with no response I am finding the need to get a little more public with what happened to me.

After having grabbed just a few thing for dinner the other night I approached a cashier and as I got closer to her I heard her say, as she leaned over to the cashier next to her, "Why does that faggot keep staring at me?" Can you believe it? Of course I immediately spoke with a manager and also emailed the CEO (who has a blog - but it is moderated to filter out any unsavory comments of course) and nothing.... no response whatsoever. So, Whole Foods you can just Fuck Off! and if any of you who read this feel the need to voice your displeasure with Whole Foods please do so.
Thanks.

The pic is very much my state of mind as I try to get to sleep tonight.

Okay Okay so it's work... what did I expect?

2006-08-10T21:19:00.000-04:00

What can I say about being back at work. I like it. I like being back doing something I am good at. I like being busy, although the past few months have been anything but dull. There is something I don't like about it though... and I know what it is. I don't like where it is. My immediate supervisor is great and she works incredibly hard and she has amazing energy but there are challenges involved. Not that I'm not up for the challenges, I love being challenged. Hence staying in the South Bronx as a teacher for five years.

I think a big part of it is still adjusting. I got used to working for myself and setting my own goals for a while and enjoyed it so much. It makes it tough to be back in the thick of it... I dunno I need to process this a little bit more because as I write here I am getting a little more confused about my first impressions.

In other news, I saw The Man in a Suit today. I stopped by his work and we chatted for a bit. I was exhausted from work and we went for a quick walk and he made a point of mentioning that I always seem to have a big smile on my face. I tell you, he does it. God he makes me... well you know. I love it!

Back to the grindstone tomorrow and hoping that it is a bit more rewarding, although I sense that is a while off. Of course I got a callback from the ultimate gig that I interviewed for earlier in the week. I missed the call and returned it only to have to leave a voice message. I'm super nervous and want good news in a big big way. Keeping my fingers crossed.

The pic is a toast to sexy men in divine suiting.... bravo Gucci.

A Working Man's Life

2006-08-07T17:03:00.000-04:00

I am so ready to start work tomorrow. I am still keeping my options open for a few weeks as another offer is coming in... one that I really want. We'll see. After everything I just want to get moving on any job. I was getting desperate and a little stir crazy to boot. I just need to be moving on something. I don't do very well when it comes to just sitting around and waiting for things. Not that I am impatient, I just get so ancy about new things and don't like to wait. Especially so after moving back in to my apartment. I've put a bunch of my old electronics on ebay and hope I can unload them there. Very much a facelift kind of thing going on here. It's not easy though. I get upset when I think of what was lost in doing this and the fact that The Ex is no longer around. I imagine it will tough for a long time to come. I've been staying busy trying to combat all of that and was hoping to go out to Bryant Park tonight to see the movie there. It is so cool to sit in the park and watch an old movie on this giant screen with everyone on blankets and towels.. It's very evening picnic like.... but they are forecasting rain! I am still going to head up there and see what transpires.

So after a bit of a break posting here due to the moving back in and getting settled I will have lots to process through when I get home from the first day at work tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

What a Day, What a Night, What a Day...

2006-08-03T01:45:00.000-04:00

So I will start with good news... and congratulations me! My job offer finally came through and with a few more perks than I was originally expecting in the first offer. I will be starting with this new company on Monday and might I just say Thank Whoever cause I was about to lose it in the job hunt category.

Of course when it rains it pours right? On the day I get an offer another headhunter calls and wants me to come in for another interview. I'll go and see what they have to say. It can't hurt right?

In other news, I am finally back in my gorgeous apartment. I love this place and being away for the summer was hard. It was by choice though. I was having serious trouble staying healthy in terms of the breakup and all of the negativity that was created there so I sublet the place for June and July and went on the road basically. I have to say that it was an adventure and some friends were more hospitable than I could possibly have imagined. Their willingness to open up their homes for me when I am struggling through such a difficult time has been an amazing thing and I will always be indebted to them.

It feels good to be back here now though. It is still hard and I can sense The Ex everywhere. A part of me wants him here and knows that it doesn't feel quite right without him near me. Last night was particularly tough as I was going through closets and making room for new things... throwing away some of the old. I miss him - tremendously.

But, tomorrow is another day and I am heading out to the gym in the morning and going to water the garden that I keep for a client uptown. It is this cool little thing that I have been doing for years. I grow most of her food for her as she has very specific dietary needs. I love doing it and she needs it done so it works out really well. I think it's the farm boy in me that enjoys it so much. It is nice to keep something green alive in this city that is so much concrete and pavement.

I'm gonna try to get some more sun tomorrow too if the extreme heat does not deter me. I love laying out in my new swimsuit and working on the tan.

I am trying to relish sleeping in right now especially with thoughts of heading back to work... hence the pic.

Whoppi Goldberg Rocks!

2006-07-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

I just watched a relatively new standup performance on HBO featuring Whoopi Goldberg and I have to say that I really think she is remarkable. Granted some of the extended discussion of vaginas and the myriad issues that seem to arise within was mildly uncomfortable. You can tell she's pissed. She's pissed at George Bush. She's pissed at women who are walking around blind and men who are walking around ignorant. She's pissed at prejudice, injustice... it's a tall order but she does an amazing job being sincere and funny and shocking at the same time. If you haven't seen it it is her performance at the Lyceum theatre. I love that she's angry and standing up and saying something about it. We need more of that. This country needs more of it. When that piece of trash bullshitter passing herself as of as educated Ann Coulter can call Al Gore a "total Faggot" because he dares to stand up and talk about how badly we've screwed up and end up with a number one seller we need more Whoopi's. Coulter is foul and disgusting and I'm sure she would love me saying this but I really find her opinions completely worthless. Of course I'm not exactly her target audience am I?

I'm eagerly anticipating tomorrow night... hoping for a second date with an absolutely fascinating man that I met weeks ago. His schedule is crazy and we are in-touch all the time but have only managed to have one date thus far. There is something about him that makes me feel like a giddy fourteen year old girl. It's bizarre. I saw him in a suit the other day and I honestly think that a really well dressed man is so insanely sexy (hence the pic above). There is just something about him... that smoldering sexy thing... so I'm hoping we see each other tomorrow (Sat.) night. I will keep you posted.

Something to believe in?

2006-07-27T00:25:00.000-04:00

Two strange things happened to me yesterday. First as I was walking around Manhattan I started thinking about the students from my school. I always referred to them as my kids (I guess it's a weird teacher thing). Anyway, I had this uncanny feeling that I was going to run into one of them that day. You know that feeling you get sometimes and then you run into the person that you were thinking about? So, a friend and I pop in to this fast food joint for a bite and guess what? One of the worst, and I am not kidding, the worst of the troublemaking students that I ever encountered was there. She seemed to pleased and said hello across a busy room. I smiled and went over to say hi, and we chatted briefly about what she was doing (now working in said godforsaken fast food restaurant) and I asked about school. She replied that she couldn't go to my old school anymore and was going to try for a GED program in September. I told her that she really needed to do that and wished her well.

Such a funny thing when you are teaching these students and more so when you teach at-risk youth who have come from such difficult places, you let them try again and again and again. This particular student had been thrown out of my classroom literally dozens of times and had been escorted off school property by security guards on more than one occasion. Yet, I always let her try again. There was never a point when I thought that a student no longer deserved the chance to try again. She tested me and I'm sure brought me closer to my limit than anyone else - but she was always allowed to try again.

That made me think... when I arrived home yesterday evening I had an email from The Ex. He had written a response to an email I sent telling him how I disliked being mad at him. "I hate being mad at you and I have never ever liked it... missing you" was basically the gist of it. I read it over and over again and I thought, as I have so many times before, when do I draw the line with him? When do I say that enough is enough and not give him any more chances? If I can do it for all of these other people in my life then why do I feel the need to not give him another chance?

I know the argument for not giving The Ex any more chances is that he is an adult whereas my students are kids who are not as developed/worldly/educated/mature/etc. and that seems like a reasonable argument. It seems like it should answer the question but then I am left with a new question... another troubling matter. What makes me the person who should be drawing the line on who gets more chances and who doesn't? I'm having trouble with the answer.

My father abused me and my family especially my mother and she has given him chances for almost forty years now. I have been more reluctant to do so lately and have all but cut him out of my life. So I drew a line there albeit one that I think is likely temporary as I would like to see him grow healthier (more on that later I'm sure). My younger sister was able to cut him out altogether and I completely respect both her decision and that of my mother so where does that leave me.

In the end I guess it is a very personal thing... although that doesn't make me feel very good either.

The pic is from a photographer named Richard De Chazal. I will get a link up here soon. It is Sagittarius - the eternal optimist. Go figure...

And.... Finally.

2006-07-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, fingers crossed for tomorrow. After meeting with supervisors, managers, senior vice presidents, I am finally going to receive an offer for a job. I am heading in for a meeting tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon and things sound promising. I have completely had it with being unemployed. I knew some transition was coming and that this summer probably more than ever was going to be all about change but I have just about run out of patience.

Of course the job hunt and all of that pales in comparison to the personal stuff that I have had to deal with and it is still long from over. On the brighter side I received a text message from a guy I met a number of weeks ago. We met once for drinks and there was just something about him... something that really made me want to see him again. I am hoping that we get the chance to get to know each other a little bit more. He has gorgeous eyes and before we parted we made out a little. He's a really good kisser - which puts him way up there in my books. Kissing is a big one for me and there are a lot of guys who honestly haven't got a clue. I went out with one guy a little while back and he wanted to lick my face! Seriously. I felt like I was in an episode of Sex in The City. It was crazy, and I had to get out of there... but this guy - I want to see him again. I don't think that I get that spark very often (I thought it belonged to The Ex alone). So, again, keeping my fingers crossed.

I've been having strange dreams the past few nights. Aside from the obvious sexual overtones (lack of getting any at the moment) they have been all about my previous job - the teaching one. They have been extremely vivid dreams and the most disturbing one had me on a bicycle trying to get through a crowd of people who reminded me of my students, but the brake kept slowing the wheels and I couldn't get through. Yes, I know the obvious is apparent, but why are these dreams so damn difficult? It's bothering me...

On the media side of things, gearing up for the next episode of Workout on Bravo (does anyone else watch it? I would love to compare notes). I want to see the crazy insecure one blow his top... I think his name is Brian. I guess we'll see tomorrow at 9 on Bravo right?

The pic - again with the looking for some action thing. This has to be one of the hottest I have seen in a while. I promise more substance for my next pic but I just couldn't resist sharing this one.

This is Ridiculous!

2006-07-21T23:46:00.000-04:00

It strikes me as a little odd that sometimes I just get too concerned with what The Ex is doing (it's capitalized now cause I have to write it instead of his name). It's driving me a little nuts. I want to be able to just say "Fuck it all" and not have to think of him again... Obviously I need some distraction here. He pops up in the weirdest places and sometimes it's because I guess I go looking but that really has to end. Missing him is hard enough without dragging things out even further.

So, I'm in a "Fuck It" mood. There are too many people too full of bullshit... just too much bullshit in general - I guess it's a "bitchy fuck it" mood right? I am going to have to get out there this weekend despite the lousy weather and freak thunderstorms and possibly drink away the sad feelings. God, that sounds awful and if I were a friend giving me advice I would say "He treated you like shit - don't keep doing it to yourself." Good advice, but difficult to follow all the time.

The learning curve for this stuff has been pretty steep of late and a major pain in the ass I must say. I say I'm an optimist and I am truly and that's why this is tough too. I just think - there cannot be so many guys so full of shit around can there? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe.... but I hope not.

Oh, the pic.... from a great blog www.speedoguy.com... on my way to distraction. Have a great Friday night!

Why's It So Hard?

2006-07-20T21:54:00.000-04:00

Montreal is hosting the Gay Games this summer. The whole city is plastered with banners and ads like the one pictured above. Montreal is an amazing city and being gay in Montreal is so much fun. I spent part of several summers there before moving to NYC.

They don't make it easy for Canadians to come to the US to work. It's a sad fact. I came originally because I was recruited by the NYC Board of Ed. and then placed in this hell hole of a school in the South Bronx. Literally the school was falling apart and so was my sanity in a matter of days after arriving there. It sounds crazy but I stayed for almost five years.

Towards the end of my first year when I had all but decided to get out of there before something really bad happened to me I was approached to write a grant proposal for a new school. I did. It was approved. I committed to the first four years of it's operation. By far the biggest challenge of my life both personally and professionally. It almost did me in. There were literally two to three days a week when I could have just come home and cried... I saw and heard such unbelievable things that I am still processing and working through them (I have been away from it for a year now).

Back to the work thing - so my visa was sponsored by the NYCBOE and it is transferable but convincing someone to transfer it is another story. Most employers cringe at the mention of a visa because it means having to deal with the government. Which of course I understand and can sympathize with but come on, I am worth it damnit! You can probably tell that I am a little nervous about the whole new job thing and I am waiting on pins and needles (Project Runway pun intended) to get an answer.

All this is making life a bit difficult and of course there is the whole insanely horny thing. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the dreams of the Ex, maybe it's that I got to mess around with a little hottie over the weekend and want some more... it's probably all of those right? Maybe this weekend will turn out something fun???

Rough Night

2006-07-20T11:13:00.000-04:00

I had one of the worst night's sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling really shitty. This has been happening with some frequency of late as I dream about being with the Ex and wake up feeling utterly empty inside. It's ridiculous but it reminds me of an episode of the Golden Girls (insert obligatory "You're such a fag" here). It is the one where Blanche dreams that her dead husband is alive and he finds her and they finally get to hold each other one more time at the end... then she wakes up. I saw it just the other night and it was bizarre because I thought God, that is exactly what happens to me in my dreams over and over again. We are out together somewhere traveling or dining out and just being who we used to be together... I can feel how much I loved him... and then it's gone the moment I wake up and it makes me feel like shit.

So, here's hoping that I can set all that aside and get on with what is a busy day - I have a ton of running around to do and I am keeping fingers crossed for the job. I needed a distraction so I thought I would do a little online shopping. I have a serious addcition to these swimsuits and try with all my might to only purchase one new one each summer. Needless to say I am well beyond that this summer. The pics is DSquared. I am a huge D2Squared fan and of course love them even more because they are Canadian... and their models are always some of the hottest around.

Bravo - B.R.A.V.O.... and some other fluff

2006-07-19T23:29:00.000-04:00

Okay so fingers are crossed following a great job interview today - I wowed them - and I want this job. It really is the chance to take everything that I learned starting my own business to a much higher level on a bigger scale.

It's a little odd to be back in fashion after being involved in education for so long. I haven't talked about that much here but I spent the past five years working in the Bronx of all places in this bizarre little school (so much more of that to come). For now it's back to fashion. To be honest I loved the feeling of being in my store - it was stunning! It took years to put together and even though it was shortlived, for reasons beyond my control, it was truly amazing. So, the new boss (again fingers crossed) senses that I hope and I think it's gonna be good!

A night in tonight seeing as Project Runway was on and the bitchy commentary was running full steam as we watched. I love that show. Love it. I have to admit that I was surprised that Malan got the boot. They usually keep the crazies around because it's better for ratings right?

Of course following P.R. this new Jackie's Gym thing came on and truthfully she annoys the crap out of me. Yeah tough headstrong lesbian.... got it. blah blah blah. Although the gay guy is pretty cute.

Oh right, the pic. A friend took it when we were out on Long Island last weekend. It's a great pic and he's got a real eye (and I swear I am not saying this under duress at all). He's got more pics coming on his blog - I'll get a link up soon.

The Heat is Killing Me!

2006-07-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

So, it is so insanely hot here in NYC and despite the multiple AC units running in the apt. the temp is out of control. I swear I think the neighbors must have the heat turned on. The pic is from last weekend out on Long Island - an amazing visit with a dear friend and a great stay at her quaint little cottage. I would give anything to get back out there and be close to the beach (one of my true loves).

An evening in watching SJP on re-runs of Sex in the City should keep me occupied with my mind off of the temp. I treat it like therapy really when I am trying to get some thought of the ex and all that was involved in that out of my mind. It has been making me feel as though I am developing multiple personalities of late. Days being really angry and then days full or mourning something that was truly incredible. Enought of that for now... If I stumbled onto my blog I might get a bit tired of reading about the Ex so enough for tonight.

On to other things... I just assisted and very good friend with setting up a blog to showcase his talents. It's going to kill me to write this here because he will read this shortly after it is posted I'm sure and I will never hear the end of it... but he is remarkably talented and creates some of the coolest jewelry. I sold one of his collections in my shop in SoHo and he has some devoted fans. The blog is all about the accessories that he designs and he is using it to market new collections to buyers all over the place. You should check it out - House of Kozai - there are some really cool pieces and eventually you will be able to purchase them through the site.

The Heat is on!

2006-07-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

I just bought this suit.... love it. Aussiebum is great.

Okay so we are back into the insane heat/humidity that is mid summer here in NYC and I have to say that job hunting in this miserable weather is ridiculous. Every time I have an interview I have to run into a Starbucks 20 minutes early to sit in the A/C so I don't look like a drowned rat before heading in to meet potential employers.

On the upside I have had some good offers and am waiting on a couple of leads. Keeping my fingers crossed and attempting to be patient (although that was never my strong suit). Of course added to the mix is some recent contact with my ex. There are a still a few things that need to be settled and after ten years together I am surprised that there are not more of them... I guess the biggest mess that needs to be cleaned up in all of this is inside right? It's tearing me up.

I have no idea how to recover from this (I've never had to do it before). My ex is with the affair now - a real piece of trash that he cheated on me with for months before the end of our relationship. I guess I'm still stuck on the whole "How the fuck did this happen?" thing... and to top it all off I am insanely horny lately (hence the pic).... what gives? I sense therapy in the near future. Of course any input from anyone out there would be great as I seem to be grapsing at straws.

So today is all about pluggin along and getting the job stuff settled down. I want to be working! I have this need to be busy doing something and a month off is truly enough for me. Besides, I want to start planning some new holidays (addicted to travel) and need the $$ to do it.

Having Lost

2006-07-07T00:16:00.000-04:00

I had a great dinner with a good friend of mine that I met in a very difficult work situation a little over a year ago... it was one of those perfect Manhattan nights when the temperature is just right, you are looking great, the food is good, and the conversation is intelligent. And what happened? I got sad on the way home.

I have only vaguely alluded to the end of what was a very long term relationship here on this blog because I think I have not been in the right place to start to write down how I am feeling and thus be forced to process it somewhat.

I miss my ex. I miss him with every fibre of my being and there are days when it is almost unbearable... the breakup was difficult to say the least. I had reached the end of my rope with what had become some really repetitive negative behavior and I drew a line, finally. The hardest thing I have ever done and it has cost me dearly but it was a choice that I had to make. He was (he is) a wonderful man and I lost him somewhere along the way to influences beyond my control.

So, I have been dealing however slowly with that and I have to say that more than anything it is just a sense of profound sadness - sadness to know I still love him so much and to know that he still loves me - and to not be together. It's almost beyond words.

And that is what happened tonight. I miss those evenings with him. His presence, his humour, and just looking across the table at him. I get the sense that there are many more of these nights to come.

On the bright side, the conversation was stellar. My friend is one of those people who thinks before she speaks (a rare comodity in this city - and the world in general I fear). We spoke of work , world events, Anderson Cooper and Star Jones, being gay, and coming out. Not all of it terribly profound or meaningful but intelligent nonetheless.

Here's to a really nice dinner on a patio in beautiful Manhattan - there's nothing like it.

Get Get Get this CD - Pet Shop Boys Back in a Big Way!

2006-06-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

Okay so this is the best new CD I have purchased in ages. I buy a ton of music and have always been a Pet Shop Boys fan but this is there best in years. I mean, I loved the song on Release about a boy going to see Eminem in concert and the two of them falling in love but this whole album is amazing. If you buy one CD in the next six months make this one it. Seriously!
Oooh, and check out their new website. You can buy cool remixes and watch thier always brilliant videos petshopboys.co.uk

2006-06-23T23:41:00.000-04:00

A Canadian Photographer from this little town near my parents farm it turns out.... Like I said I am feeling gay patriotic..... yumm

I've been away forever... or so it seems

2006-06-23T23:17:00.000-04:00

Wow - I feel like I have been away from this blog forever... I guess I've been on a bit of a vacation so to speak. Following the disastrous disintigration of my ten year relationship with the guy who I thought had to be the man I was going to spend forever with I had to get away. I'll get into the whole falling apart thing in a bit but wanted to first say a little bit about the Pride celebrations this weekend in NYC.

I got back to the city last night and I wasn't even sure that Pride was happening - I suppose I felt a little guilty about that following the attack on Kevin Aviance last week and the whole gay marriage thing here in the US. I tell you as a Canadian living and working here in the US... well I am just left dumbfounded some times.

So I am feeling patriotic (gay patriotic) and I think it's time to celebrate again. I avoided Pride alst year like the plague because of the crowds and the heat and the crowds. It can be totally overwhelming. But, I'm heading out tomorrow and I'm going to celebrate some Pride and maybe meet a sexy new guy ( I have one in mind - a hottie that I was flirting with a few weeks back at 1984) We'll see how it goes and I will keep you updated.

My store is closing down....

2006-05-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

My store in SoHo, New York is going to closing down in the coming weeks - we are relocating and it is a crazy crazy time. I'm very sad to be leaving the amazing space that we have but we are on to bigger and better things. If you are in the area drop by for some great fashion and some great Art.

My favorite artist - Chrsitian Gaillard

2006-04-27T22:56:00.000-04:00

His work is stunningly beautiful.

What the hell is wrong with Minnesota?

2006-04-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

An article posted today on 365Gay
As a Canadian living and working in America I am constantly amazed by the cruelty that you all tend to inflict on each other. I spent the last five years teaching kids in the South Bronx here in NYC and I guess I see where some of it comes from... there's no memory span in these kids. Everything is now now now and ten seconds later they forgot what they wanted. It makes it impossible for them to empathize with or care about people who aren't immediately in front of them. Why should they give a damn about someone in another state and whether they are having thier rights stripped away by an ingnorant and hateful minority that hide their fears behind God and the bible?

A good laugh

2006-04-27T22:36:00.000-04:00

One of the funniest things I have watched in a long time... Aladdin re-dubbed. Check it out.

www.dubbed.rules.it

those eyes...

2006-04-27T22:26:00.000-04:00

Ouch! Okay, so I found a pic that honestly I am putting on this blog just because I want to be able to look at it every time I post something. Those eyes are killer and he just makes me want to go to the beach and get a tan right now.

getting this album...

2006-04-27T22:19:00.000-04:00

This CD Rocks! If you don't have it - get it now. She trashes that moron in the White House and totally kicks the shit out of liars and cheaters.

Getting the hang of this...

2006-04-27T22:07:00.001-04:00

So, originally I got interested in writing a blog when I decided to teach my students about it last year. I wanted to do something new with them, something relevant, something that might hold their interest for more than the usual ten minutes or so that they tended to last on the outdated and useless curriculum prescribed by the New York City Board of Education. Yes, I was one of the brave souls who entered into the NYC education system and taught high school in the Bronx for five years. I almost can't believe that when I say it now... five years. The hardest hardest hardest thing I have ever done. Anything after that seems like a cakewalk truly.

I'm getting it now for myself and I'm excited about the whole process...

I just spent half an hour talking to my sister on the phone. She lives far away and we are very close so it is always hard to be reminded that she is so far away. My older sister lives close to her now so I want to get some time soon to visit with both of them. My younger sister just had a baby making me an uncle for the first time. It has made me think of kids... whether I want them (I do) and how I'm going to get them (I'm gay). It's been on my mind more of late because of the wasteland that my life has been turned into over the past few months (more on that to come too).

Okay so before I really start laying it all out here I want to get some pics up on my blog.... let's see if I can find something good - some boys to preview...

getting this party started...

2006-04-27T00:33:00.000-04:00

So, I've finally decided to set this up after all of the time I've spent looking around at all the other blogs out there... I imagine that on some level it's more of a theraputic exercise than thinking that I have something insightful to offer. Time will play that one out. So it's here and it's late and I'm going to bed - I've got to sort out what I really want on here. Some mish mash of what's bugging me about everyone else and then what's bugging me about me I'm sure.

Till tomorrow then.