fair from fair

Tom of...

2009-07-13T23:41:00.002-04:00

It certainly has been a long time... A friend inspired me to come and take a look at this blog again, and I am stunned at the sheer volume of things that have happened in my life since the last post.... two years ago.

As I sit here in a Dallas hotel pondering what all of my work is all about - the direction I am headed (in comparison to the direction I was headed then), the growth, the exploring, the moving... it all seems so much. And yet there still seems so much undone.

The basketball player is a permanent fixture in my life now and has filled it with excitement, adventure, some heartache, some evolution, and love.

The job is an adventure sending me all over the world of late. Work has grown and grown and I have had to start investing time in reigning it in. Something I have never had to do before and it's tough to do...

The home is rockin. I moved from the financial district to brooklyn into an 1880's brownstone and I am loving it. I have a garden and just finished picking the first tomatos yesterday morning.

But there is work to do, and things that need some work... and that's why I am back here to revisit, re-examine, and hopefully gain some clarity - I guess we shall see...

A Basketball Game?

2007-07-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

So, finally a vacation from work and man did I ever deserve it. I decided that it was time to go home to visit with my family. Something that I needed to do, and also something that I wanted to do. I have a new niece who is just beginning to talk and my older sister has been struggling a bit and so I wanted to be there for her a little too. Of course all of that comes with the requisite visits with the grandparents who are now in their mid nineties, and of course (again) spending time with my father.

Holy crap can he ever be and asshole sometimes... I have decided that it is just another one of those things that are beyond my ability to understand, but he seems bent on driving his children away from him. In describing it to friends I compare our visits with a ticking bomb. I can hear it in the background slowly tick tick ticking away and the moment comes sooner or later where he lets fly with some sort of racial or homophobic insult that sends me straight for my car keys and the door.

It's quite simple now really - the moment he acts like an asshole I don't argue, I don't protest (been there, done that) I simply get my stuff and head off to stay at my sister's house. It's easier... I know it's still sad but it seems to almost function this way. Maybe he'll get the message some day. Maybe not.

Other than that the visit was great. Some beach time, some down time, some naughty time (wink wink), and some great quality time with my mom too. So, I came back rested and rejuvinated and ready to head back into things here.

Oh, and I haven't mentioned the basketball player yet. I met him the night before heading home and we flirted incessantly via voicemail and text the whole time I was away. There have been some nice dinners, some holding hands on the beach, and some quiet moments at home since I returned. A little iffy on the age difference, but he is growing on me and there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it. I wonder why I am always conscious of age... It's not a big difference. He is in his 20's and I am in my... well let's say later 20's. And here's the kicker - we are the same height! It's such a strange feeling for me - we look eye-to-eye. I get turned on almost by that alone. I guess I haven't mentioned that I am 6'7" here before. It's a big deal when dating to my surprise and dismay at times. But this is definitely something nice.

So, I will keep you posted. He's caught my eye and he's worth watching...

A Holiday of Sorts...

2007-07-14T00:17:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a looong time ( I thought maybe I wouldn't use all the "o"'s but it seems to fit).

The role that my blog plays now is different from when I started it. I was reminded earlier today that it matters and on top of that I enjoy it. As my boss says all too often "It is what it is".

Initially writing here was like therapy and it was this great little outlet for all of the pent up pain and frustration I was feeling. It turns out that it did help - and hopefully helped someone else too. And then as things changed over the Spring I stepped back a bit and was, I guess, working through it all on a more internal level.

I dove into work, not as a way to avoid things but because I genuinely am enjoying it and having a great time. I feel like I have been working my butt off - literally. I need to get some butt exercises back into my gym routine so I keep on looking like the pic above right?

I dove into summer here in the city too. NYC can be this amazing place in the summer if you can handle the heat. We have actually had a relatively tame summer thus far in terms of heat and so I have been making the most of it with some trips to Central Park, laying out in the sun, and driving out to Rhode Island for a little romantic getaway of sorts. Maybe more on that a little later...

Yes, it's true there has been some dating and maybe a little romance. It's a hard thing to go through in some senses. After one very nice dinner out on this isolated little patio, some great conversation, and really good wine, I came home and I could not figure out this bizarre feeling I was experiencing. I thought about it and thought about it and came to the startling realization that what I was feeling was guilt.

That's right, I felt guilty that I had gone out and had such a good time, really enjoyed my company without being with my Ex. That's a little messed up right? It makes sense in some bizarre way, because those feelings had for so long been wrapped up in being with my Ex and any reference to them was bound to bring him back to mind. I was upset about it though. Mad a little too. Mad that it made me feel like a complete loser for keeping those feelings and all that was associated with them packed up in a mental box with his name written all over it.

And I was mad at myself too. Mad for not dealing with that sooner, or at least being somewhat more prepared for it. I guess you can't though. You can't prepare for that feeling. It blindsides you and can knock you down if you let it.

I didn't let it... and the next dinner was even better.

Such An Ordeal...

2007-03-30T00:27:00.000-04:00

So, can I just say what an ordeal it is to find a cool guy in NYC? Why when there are so many men here is it so difficult to do?

Of course having said that I have to fill in after a long vacation from writing here...

The previous post was about meeting a boy and as I mentioned some of the obstacles that appeared seemed as though they may be too difficult to get around. Well, indeed they were. Not only was I struggling with the whole concept of dating someone new, but he had his own thing going on and I wasn't up for the workshop that it appeared to be developing into. He was 40 and I hope by that age I am in better shape in terms of my own understanding of who I am and where I am headed... let's hope anyway.

I wanted to post a quote here that I found a few weeks ago. It is from Emerson, who I only vaguely knew of before, and still don't know that much about, but it really encompasses how I try to live my life. It's not perfect by any means, but here it is nonetheless:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

That's it... that's all of it. That is what life should be about.... that, and cute boys ;)

Something New on The Horizon...

2007-02-18T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, a couple of eventful weeks have passed and wrestling some time away from work to enjoy being has not been easy but I seem to have managed. The most stand-out of the events seems to be a spark with a boy... yes, it's definitely there and as usual it comes loaded with troubles. Some that may be insurmountable but I'm in a very wait-and-see mode. I feel as though it is a little selfish but nonetheless...

Today was a remarkable day in a few different ways. I spent the morning sleeping in and felt so good taking my time rolling out of bed. My roommate was thoughtful enough to make breakfast so everything started out nicely, peacefully, and that was a welcome change. The sun was shining and I spent some time just walking with a friend around the city. Not really out to accomplish much, it was actually nice to not have a long list of things that I had to rush and do. The only real requirement was that I water my plants for one of my clients. She is very very sick and will no doubt succumb to cancer in the not too distant future. Her resolve to keep working amazes me and we had a few minutes to chat this morning as I rushed about her home with a watering can. I love my plants there. In the summer time I fill her balcony with vegetables, herbs, and flowers. She eats most of them and I am always trying to save them from the harvest, but that is why I am growing them so... I'm glad to see that her daughter seems to be taking over her work and I hope that my gardens there continue after she is gone. She is an interesting character. Sometimes puts people off, but she is who she is and she is very unapologetic about it.

Cancer sucks. I lost a very very important person to me to breast cancer and she was wonderful. My client's illness makes me think of her often and I am always more than happy to indulge. But it is sad nonetheless.

So, the rest of the day included a tan, and a walk, and a nap - which I love. Very rejuvenating and now it seems that I am finishing the day in a very pensive state of mind. The few minutes of walking in the Winter sun made me think of Spring and long for warmer weather. I think what I really need is a beach vacation and a new swimsuit.

Honestly though, there is a lot to think about now. Lot's to happen in the next few days and coming weeks. I'm eager to get started...

It's All About Observation...

2007-02-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

So, I spent a few days back in Ontario visiting family and really had a wonderful time. It was rush rush as usual, but it was good to see everyone, including a few friends that I have missed dearly. My grandparents continue to make it through and they are somewhat of an inspiration. So much so that I spent the hours driving and on the plane thinking a lot about where things are headed and where they have been.

I haven't written here for a while because I honestly feel like I have not had much to say. I was starting to feel really stuck and didn't know where it was coming from. That was until I sat down on my mini vacay to work on a questionnaire that I friend devised for the purpose of looking back over the past year and also ahead to this new one. The questions were thoughtful and writing a response gave me some pause. I have been needing to re-evaluate what is going on for me and where it is headed for the past few months and I think that is why I have been stuck. I haven't been able to get a grasp on it.

There need to be some changes. See what happened was that I stopped believing that I could do it. That I could get back on track and get those things I have lost over the past year back in one form or another. I stopped believing that I could... that I was strong enough. I'm a little ashamed of that. That has just never happened before. I have always been so headstrong and determined to get things that I set my mind out to get.

I just got knocked down. Hard. And getting back on my feet hasn't been easy. It occurred to me while I was driving through the snow in the Ontario countryside that I just stopped believing in me for a little while. Realizing that made me sad. It made me want to pull over and give myself a big slap in the face.

How could I do that? How could I let that happen to me? What a sad feeling that was. But right behind it, was resolve, and another realization - that I recognize what happened now and I have started to figure out why I have been feeling so stuck - so unable. And I'm not.

It was a good trip. Mostly because I opened a new door to a new/old me and that feels good.

A Lack of Excuses...

2007-01-06T00:42:00.000-05:00

So, after being absent from my blog for far far too long I have finally managed to sit down here after a completely overdone day to write a little bit. I have been missing writing for a while and really have no excuse for taking some time off from it. I know, all the holiday business this time of year, but all of that is self inflicted and I need to be making time for this too - because it matter to me and I find it such a great place to be able to put what is in my head out there for all to see...

An interesting article caught my eye on CNN today about a critic of Oprah's new school in South Africa. I have to say that after listening to her criticisms I was left almost speechless. How dare anyone critique the fact that Oprah decided to build - with millions of her own money - a school for some of the neediest young women in the world... there is just no angle, no argument that you can make that would justify viewing this amazing thing that she has done in a negative light.

While watching this woman angrily tear apart Oprah you could see where it was coming from - she's mad that she is not somehow benefiting personally from this great gift that Oprah has made. The main point of her critique was questioning why Oprah did not build here in America first and instead chose to go to another country to do her good deed. What a fucking ridiculous thing to ask. The fact that she even remotely considers low-income Chicago students to be on the same level as orphaned and impoverished African students blows my mind.

Listen, I taught in an inner-city school in one of the most disadvantaged neighborhoods in this nation and even started my own school, and let me tell you, there is a world of difference between the two. My students always had the option of attending a school. The building was always there, and the teachers were always waiting... so many of them chose not to come and often because there was no value placed on a education for them by themselves or their family. The students that Oprah is offering an education to come from regions where quite often the school doesn't even physically exist and getting the chance to attend one is an incredible honor.

How bout a little bit of that here eh? That just made me so angry. The nerve of that woman.... I'm still amazed.

Speaking of amazing, as always, check out Mr Chad White above.... also another person who makes me speechless, although for different reasons of course.

A Long Time Between...

2006-12-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last post and I have been trying to think of reasons why.... Is it because I have been so busy with work of late? Or is it because I haven't had anything that I really wanted to say? Or maybe something else...

To be honest I don't know - in the days after my birthday I started down what I knew would be a reflective and soul-searching path. I could tell it was coming - the time of year and all... I always get a little deeper around this time of year and this one is more so than many others a time when I feel like I need to look back on some things and try to make a little sense out of it all.

The kicker is that it doesn't make sense.

I can see whey the universe might lead me where it has professionally, and I can see the reasons behind all of the personal upheaval... and yet still all of the hurt and all of the pain and tears don't seem to weigh things out very evenly. I almost cried at work today if you can believe it? I was doing the most menial of tasks and a thought just flashed through my mind and the profound sense of loss that I have bounced around inside all year just touched the surface for a second. It caught me off guard - almost scared me in a way to think that it is all right there just below the surface.

So, what I am hoping for this Christmas is a little bit of time to think back over the past year and try to sort it out a bit - try to sift through the surface stuff and focus a little more on what was good about it all. I cherish that time for reflection because I afford myself so little of it. I know I should do it more... but something always comes along.

So, I wish for a little more time this year...

Another Year Older And...

2006-12-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

So, I am a little bit older and feel maybe just a little bit wiser - I guess that is the name of the game right? Thinking back over the past year I have seen some the the biggest and proudest moments of my life along with some of the most profoundly sad and disheartening. As a friend of mine oftne says, it is all about balance... one part of your life swings up and the other swings down - it all keeps you in balance. Sometimes that is tough to handle though. You just want it all to run smoothly just for a little while.

I just finished watching A Prairie Home Companion and what a strange little movie that is. Full of incredible talent and despite her latest fumbles, Lindsay Lohan manages to pull of a decent performance next to some of the biggest talent out there in Hollywood. I'm certainly not a big fan of hers, but she manages to do okay.

Thant's not the point though. There is a number about two-thirds of the way through the movie - a song to Mama that is really really beautiful. Just a sweet reminder of someone lost to you who meant a great deal... That number alone makes the movie worth seeing.

On the lighter side, I have begun my Holiday shopping. The tree is up and almost fully decorated. I decided to to light blue and silver this year. I change the colours every year and of course that means I have literally crates of ornaments. I love doing it. It's a little hard to be doing without that someone here but it is okay.

I've got a very posh and I'm sure divined Christmas party to attend tomorrow evening and I have the outfit all planned. I'm hoping for some cute boys there and maybe a little bit of flirting and fun. I know the party planner from my work and his events have seem to have quite a reputation. I guess we'll see....I'll be looking for the boy above. Happy Holidays indeed.

The Snow Is A Comin....

2006-11-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

So, I can't wait for the snow to arrive in NYC. They lit the tree in Rockafeller Centre yesterday - it's right near my work - and although the crowds made it temporarily unbearable, there is something about that ceremony that makes this city feel officially set for the holidays. NYC in the winter is so great. I really hope that we have snow this year that sticks around. The wet and slushy kind is just a major inconvenience and gets all grey and gross so quickly. So I am looking forward to winter...

With that approaching of course there's lots to remember and I have got to send out cards this year. I am the worst at writing letters and promised myself I would do it this time around. I get all nostalgic and wishy-washy around this time. I will also be celebrating a birthday in a couple of days. Doing some celebrating with friends this weekend so that should be nice.

I have to mention a bit of politics here too. Not to rain on the parade but just to point out that Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, is a complete and utter Jackass. I wouldn't put him in a league near that of Bush in terms of how grand an Asshole he is, but he's pretty bad.

As proud as I am of being Canadian, it makes me sick to think that that jackpot is in control right now. Although it should be noted that he only has a minority government so his time is running very very short. So, basically he has promised to introduce a bill before Christmas proposing that the Canadian government re-open the debate on Gay marriage. Everyone knows the bill will not pass including Harper, so he is using specifically to reassure his legions of Conservative whackjobs that he is indeed a right wing christian and is always going to fight for their definitions of what constitutes a proper life.

What really irks me about it is that he is using gays and lesbians to do this in such a twisted way. He knows the bill will not pass, but he also knows that proposing the discussion will get LGBT groups to be vocal and advertise and lobby and the result will be an upswing in support from christian nutties. That basically makes us fundraisers for him. Yuck. The more we vocalize opposition the stronger his base is going to rally. I hate that. It makes me want to tell the LGBT groups to keep it quiet - but then they can't do that or it is like saying that what he is proposing is okay....

Just bugs me that it so works in his favour right now. That sucks. Man I wish there was some Foley-esque dirt on him, but that would mean someone else was taken advantage of.... Maybe he's got a Mike Jones in his closet - mmmm that would be sweet. He needs a lover like the dude above right?

Exhausted By...

2006-11-26T00:11:00.000-05:00

So, I am at the point where I am completely exhausted - you know, when you hit the end of a long stretch of work and there is just one more day left to get through and you are wondering how you are going to do it. I can honestly say that my Monday and Tuesday off are going to be two of the most welcome in a long long time.

I'm working in an industry that like most gets all wound up this time of year and although it's great that the cash is flowing in and we are looking at nice bonuses, it is truly truly tiring. In that inner body tired sort of way.

I'm looking at a Birthday too in the next week or so - I am a sag to the core. Just about everything that I have read about my sign I seem to agree with to some extent. It's curious because I don't really know how much I buy into all of that, but there seems to be something to it. A dear friend and I will be celebrating together this year and it should be fun. Of course as I am constantly trying not to remind myself (it's not working very well) it will be the first I have celebrated alone since I turned 20. As much as I try that is going to be on my mind and I can't seem to escape how it makes me feel.

I did have a really nice Thanksgiving (even though I celebrated the Canadian one too last month). Several good friends came over and we enjoyed some great food and great wine. A memorable time and I wish that I had had the next day off to recoup. I admire my mother so much for putting together all of those big family dinners year after year and still being able to get out of bed the next day and do something productive. I was a mess. Just too tired...

My mom always made the best family dinners and half a dozen times a year the extended family would all be together on the farm and it was always so much fun. Those are events that I miss. My mom does too and I feel bad that they don't happen any more. My dad is not doing well and unfortunately my sisters have chosen to distance themselves. It is the healthiest choice for them and I almost envy their ability to do so. At times I think it would be the healthy choice for me too. I am sensing a pattern.

And of course the holidays continue to have me pining for a man to enjoy them with. I continue with the fantasy of it all... I am inspired to wear my jeans to the gym tomorrow (nah...)

Too Busy To Notice...

2006-11-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

So I finally have a bit of time to sit back and take a look at things. Work seems to have settled in a somewhat comfy routine. I am enjoying it and receiving some long overdue praise ( a special moment today was nice) and my life appears to be leveling out a little.

I almost didn't want to write those words. It's like those moments on soap operas when someone says "everything will be okay now" or "we'll be together forever - nothing will separate us now". Of course it is silly of me to think that the rocky times are over. I have a lot of work to do to clean up the mess that has been created over the past year and although I have had some moments to relax a little, I still have a lot of work to do.

But it does seem as though a little bit of the fog has lifted and that gives me reason to pause and stop and think about things... I think it has a little bit to do with the time of year as well. I'm always more reflective this time of year and as utlra cheesey as it may sound I have a ton of things to be grateful for. With all of the tough stuff has come a wealth of good things too (how Martha of me).

Speaking of Martha, I have to call up a recipe of hers some time tomorrow. I am making a bacon-wrapped turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and need her expertise. She rocks and I admire her drive. Now the only thing I need is a boy to share in the festivities with...

A Disturbing Development...

2006-11-15T23:28:00.000-05:00

So, I am just feeling unsettled by the events of the past few days... I am generally a very private person and tend to keep whatever it is I am going through to myself (save for this blog I guess).

I guess it all started with a horoscope I read a few days ago. Yes, I read them fairly religiously. I don't know why really - just looking for some direction I guess. One of them said something along the lines of "you may try to be squeeky clean as a new car, but that rusty tailpipe you are dragging around ins bound to cause problems." So, that has been it I guess. I have not finished dealing with things by any means. The issues with The Ex have resurfaced (as if they were very far below) and have generally highlighted what is now my complete lack of ability to trust anyone with my feelings. Granted they have been stomped on over and over again by both friends and loved ones... I have stuck around for whatever reason (it has yet to reveal itself).

What amazes me sometimes is my seemingly blind ability to find in people a reason to keep believing in them. That is likely what drew me to teaching in a burnt out school in the south bronx in the first place... this idea of trying to help someone change.

I guess I am in a very fuck-it sort of mood. You see, The Ex sends an email talking about making an attempt at working things out and says that we should talk - I respond - then nothing for two weeks... not a word. Of course as every day passes I become more and more anxious waiting for some type of response because these are words I have waited oh so long to hear and nothing.

So I keep asking myself why do I bother? Why do I bother putting my faith in people who take advantage and seem so self-righteous about it? He's not the only one in my life taking on such a role - I guess that speaks more to an issue I have with myself right? It feels pretty bleak and I am getting exhausted by it.

Results Finally....

2006-11-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

So, the election results were heartening. Finally that total jackpot in the Whitehouse is not going to have a completely blank slate when it comes to his agenda. It gives me back a little bit of hope in the USA - that maybe things can get turned around. I realize how it usually works with the backlash always happening right before a period of major change... but this one was getting tough to wait out. I'm glad the Dems have control. I just hope that they can be less political and more real just for a few minutes each day... I remain hopeful.

I'm also seriously looking forward to this weekend. My first Saturday off in god knows how long and I plan to enjoy myself. A friend who has been having a tough time of late needs his spirits lifted so I am going to try to get him to come out and get drunk tomorrow night.

I also got news that a dear friend is coming to visit before Christmas. I can't wait to see her. She has been fighting with her daughter (fighting in a support kind of way) to battle Anorexia. Seriously bad stuff and she almost died (the daughter). I guess something like Anorexia is just another of those things that is beyond my grasp of understanding. I'm glad she is doing well and recovering, although I understand it is a long long process.

An interesting day at work. I met lots of regional people in for a big conference, many of whom I have spoken to over the phone several times. It was nice to put a face to the voices. Although to be completely honest I was hoping for more cute men... I think I am just about the youngest guy there. Gave me reason to pause and think...

So, here's to an exciting and hopefully eventful weekend. Despite my missing a man to share it with I remain optimistic as usual. Something like the pic would do just fine :)

Is It Really Fall....

2006-11-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that we are back into warm weather here in NYC again... I finally had a day off after 14 in a row and got to enjoy a warm-ish Fall day in the city.

I've said if before, but I love this city in the Fall. I wish I had had time today to go up to Central Park and really get a look at everything before all of the leaves are really gone. That Fall smell in the fallen leaves is amazing and the skating rink is already open (I think).

More than anything I wish that I had a guy to enjoy it with. There was some small promise a few weeks ago and I understand how and why that did not work out... I just would rather be sharing this time with someone special. I am one of those people who does not need a large social circle - never have - but a guy to hang with on days like these in a romantic way would be great. I know, everyone single wants that right... blah blah I should stop complaining. It will be one of those things that the moment I stop looking will happen right?

I'm following the election pretty closely tonight. I really like the idea of that utter jackass being rendered a lame-duck president. He is such an embarrassment and I'm not even American. I almost have to look away when he is speaking on TV. There is something so wrong about a man having that much power with so little for brains. I hope the Dems kick ass.

Of course I would have felt better about the whole political situation here if I hadn't floated the idea of everyone who could going out to vote at work and having that met with utter disdain and just plain ignorance. That was a serious bummer.

Okay, so I've got my eyes set on a relaxing weekend with a fun night out on Saturday. I would love to find some sexy new place to go out to. I'm getting a little bored of the same old same old... We'll see.

Pleasant? Distraction...

2006-11-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

As I spent time wondering about whether or not an age difference would be too much for me to handle the curious connection with the cute boy faded out. Despite thinking that it is a real shame that we did not have the chance to get to know each other better I did have a great time with him. He brought up something in me that made me feel really good.... I guess I am longing for that.

In the meantime contact with The Ex has gotten other things stirring and I am left wondering things like how much hurt is too much to come back from, and at what point do you begin to lose integrity in longing for someone that does not feel the same way. It is a difficult conversation to have with myself and despite some invaluable input from friends I am left trying to sort this one out on my own.

One close friend recounted the hurt that pushed her to her limit and I can definitely relate. What I wonder though is... Are you being true to yourself if you push the feelings aside and move on because routine is more comfortable and easier to cope with? I don't know to be honest. I think that the routine and the comfort of your life apart from this person plays an important role but then what do you do with all of the other - all of the internal stuff that is clogging up the drains?

Part of what has been so upsetting about contact from The Ex again is doubting what I am feeling. It's scary and sensing that doubt in itself is frightening.

But of course on a lighter note, we hired models today to just walk about the offices/showroom with champagne - they changed hourly and simply spent the day answering to our whims for pinot and bubbly. The boys were sexy and oh so friendly - getting paid well of course - but all the same it made for pleasant distraction. We were all taking acute notice of the wardrobe changes - The Line is so killer!

Eventful Issues...

2006-10-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

So, a couple of days ago I posted about a cute boy I met and how he had left me feeling... well I guess you can read it right below this post. He has made the past week eventful to say the least. As I mentioned in the previous post we had a really great day walking around the Botanical Gardens here in NYC and it was one of those days that you just don't get very often... and hence the events of the past week.

I said before that I find him intriguing and remarkably cute - I didn't mention that one of the reasons that I was feeling as I did was that there is a big age difference between us. I wouldn't have thought that seeing someone younger would be an issue but as it turns out it is - and surprisingly more for him it seems than me.

During dinner last week I asked him how old he was. He's definitely younger and it gave me reason to stop and think - having dated somone exactly the same age for a decade it never crossed my mind that there would be any reason to think of age as an issue (as long as everyone is an adult - and we both are). So, why does it matter? I mean, I get the obvious stuff but when you feel like you connect with someone in a way that strikes you as probably pretty rare then why does it matter? I have polled some of my friends and they each have their own take on it. Most say that in the end what matters is how the person makes you feel and vice versa. I hope that is it and would very much like it to be so... I'm not sure it will be though.

I have to be honest, what I find most interesting about him is that initial connection. I didn't just pick him up to hook up. I'm tired of that and it doesn't really interest me - it never really did. I like the connection. I like feeling like there is a reason why I am with this person. He seems to too. He was very vocal about it - I wonder if that will outweigh the other.

I'm still a sucker for a great smile...

A Cute Boy....

2006-10-24T22:23:00.000-04:00

A funny thing tonight... I met a really cute boy over the weekend. He is remarkable and he has left me feeling a little out of sorts I guess.

I have to say that the number one thing I find attractive about a guy is his smile. This boy has a magical smile. It's shy, and sexy, and sly all at the same time. Amazing little dimples. Of course a smile only does so much right - well this one has brains. We had some great conversation over dinner and I love how he sees the world. Plus a body doesn't hurt - one like the pic right?

So, out of sorts... a little funny to be feeling this, while feeling all of that still. Still with the feeling a little bi-polar and still with the confusion that leaves me with. I'm sitting around here - just a quiet evening and mulling over events of the past few days... a trip to the Botanical gardens and the incredible fall colours. Chihuly exhibit in the Conservatory... really a nice time - romantic and sweet and a gorgeous day.

So, what does that leave me with - out of sorts - why? I feel like it shouldn't but I know why it does. I'm really not sure what to do........

Losing Someone Special...

2006-10-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

Some time in the next few days my grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties, is going to die... I've been thinking a lot about her and trying to realize the fact that I am never going to see her again. For so long she was an almost everyday fixture in my life. I used to ride my bike home from school and stop at her house before getting there to spend some time with here. When I was able to visit with her briefly a few weeks ago she mentioned those bike rides and how special that was to her. I remember thinking that she didn't look very good and it crossed my mind that she may not be around for much longer...

It was a special visit and I left feeling really good about being able to catch up with her and enjoy her company one last time. It makes it seem so strange that I am writing this now, knowing that she is still living (although not responsive). In a way I feel like she is already gone and in a sense she is. We had a last visit and I think that maybe we both sensed that that was what it was. She spoke of things that we didn't normally talk about and we laughed about me flying home to visit and how strange she thought it was... she has only been in a plane once in her 95 years and it was such a short trip. She always seemed amazed that I managed to get home to visit as often as I did. I always tried to make time for a visit with them no matter how brief it was.

She had a strange relationship with my parents. Her son, my dad, has had a difficult time dealing with a myriad of issues and I think that he is going to take her parting hard. I think that it may actually in the end be some much needed closure for him on some long standing issues that have never really been confronted.

Her passing will be very very sad for me. I will miss her and it makes me think of another who is not a part of my life right now. Reflecting on her role in my life makes me glad that I never missed an opportunity with her. My life with my grandmother seems complete... I don't like thinking that the other is not.

It is going to be a very sad day.

Fall in NYC...

2006-10-16T23:45:00.000-04:00

I'm in kind of a romantic mood of late... of course I don't have anyone to get romantic with right now but that doesn't seem to stop my mind from wandering. I think that it has a lot to do with the weather. I love New York in the Fall. There is something about this city that seems to come alive this time of year.

The summer here is so oppressive - the heat makes it almost unbearable. Anyone with any sense and any money manages to escape this place during the worst of it. The rest of us are just left here to suffer and endure the sweating misery on the subway.

But that all comes to an end when Fall arrives. I get to pull out my favorite clothes and all of my jackets and scarves. My mom knit me the most amazing scarves last year for my store and I have a few left over. They are these huge chunky knit wool scarves that I sold for a fortune in my store and the look fantastic. I can't wait to have them out and wear them around town. I want to put on some of my fav clothes and sit outside on a patio somewhere and just enjoy the city. I went to Gym Bar last week and they have this tiny little patio area out front and even standing out there (once the smokers were gone) was nice in the cool evening air...

And of course there is Central Park. Central Park in the Fall is truly amazing and even though I am not as close to it as I once was I try to get up there to see the leaves and walk around in that crisp air at least once or twice.... such romantic notions.... I guess I have love on my mind.... and boys... makes me want to wake up to the picture above every morning.

On a sadder note, I may lose a family member that I have been very close to in the coming days. My grandmother, who is in her mid-nineties is not doing very well and a call from my mother let me know that it may only be a few more days. I had such a nice visit with her a little over a week ago when I went home for a few days and I am so glad that I did. She has always been very important to me and we were very close when I was growing up. I grew up on the farm next door to her's and spent a part of almost every single day there for years... she always had the most beautiful home. So many great memories there...

A Couple of Things...

2006-10-08T23:34:00.000-04:00

So, I have been working like a madman and in an attempt to catch up on some extra expenses I have maybe been taking on a bit more than I can chew. The opportunity for me to do a little bit of work back at one of the schools in Manhattan has presented itself and I may do it for a few days a month. It will have to be on my days off and I think it might be okay.... makes me nervous though.

All the work plus my mom was here visiting for a week and I of course loved that and felt terribly guilty that I had to work while she was here. On the few days I had off we went to the Vollard exhibit at the Met. I loved it! I am a big Gaugin fan and although I was never so much in Renoir the pieces in the show were really something. There was even a restored film that showed Renoir shortly before his death. It was footage of him working with arthritis so severe that his hands almost didn't resemble actual hands - they were so twisted and swollen from the arthritis. He must have been in such pain and yet still managed to create things of such unique beauty. Amazing really. I think my mom really liked it too.

I am stoked about the new show coming at the Brooklyn Museum this month. It is a retrospective of Annie Leibovitz. It's going to be incredible. She has taken so many iconic shots over the past twenty years and I find her work absolutely stunning. Can't wait.

It was just so great having mom here to visit. She's amazing. I do not go back home to the farm very often anymore since my dad had such a huge falling out with most of the rest of the family. So many issues there that there just isn't enough time here for them. Suffice it to say that his problems have all but driven his entire family away from him. It's sad really. I've just reached a point with it where I have realized that he's not likely going to change - ever. That makes it a little easier I guess because I've spent so much time wanting him to change so that we could have a real relationship. It's not there though... who knows really but I don't hope for it as much as I used to.

On a personal note I met a very charming man last night. It was a strange encounter really because he had many qualities that I would normally find very intriguing... but there was just something missing. I was attracted to him physically and all but it seemed strange that I just wasn't so much in the mood for anything really... granted, we had some fun, but I guess it is just that I want more - something deeper - something bigger - something more... makes me feel blue. The pic is Thijs Van Gils - a talented photographer with a very sexy eye.

Republicans Are Fucking Idiots!

2006-10-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

I have been away in Canada visiting family for a couple of days and I come back to what??? A Republican scandal involving Rep. Foley from Florida in rehab with his lawyer claiming that he is most definitely not a pedophile but an alcoholic who only acted the way that he did because of the booze!

Seriously, are you kidding me? I am so very very sick and tired of the Republican machine just thinking that everyone must be so fucking stupid. I mean, the guy made sexual advances at children right? That makes you a pedophile right? I don't care if you've had a drink or not you made a sexual advance to a child... pedophile. Period. Yet, the republicans will convince millions of Americans that it's okay because he is battling a serious illness. The poor man is an alcoholic. What a total fucking mockery of the system, and a complete insult to anyone with half a brain. I can't even imagine a reasonable person looking at this situation and not thinking that this guy is a pedophile who needs to be charged and that the leaders of the Republican party must share in some of the blame for covering up whatever portion of this sordid tale that they knew about.

Oh, and how dare those nutjobs over at Americans for Truth or whatever the hell they call themselves equate Foley's actions with being seduced by the homosexual agenda. When are they going to admit that the vast majority of pedophiles are straight white men? When? Serisously, drop dead!

Okay, so enough anger for now... it totally steams me up.

I am battling allergies that are almost too much for me. The plane ride home to the parents place was a killer, I thought I might sneeze myself to death by the time I got off and it was only a sixty minute flight.

It was a nice visit home though. I saw my new niece and some friends. I was hoping for a night to go out in my home town which is becoming increasingly gay and I am curious to see how it is going. God, if only it had been this way when I was in high school. I imagine I would have had a lot more fun. It was such a conservative place through the 80's and a gay bar was the furthest thing from my imagination. Now there are several and they look like fun.... bummer that I didn't have time to enjoy. I am hoping that when I do I find someone to have some fun with like the pic above..... it's no likely that gay yet... but a boy can dream right?

I am Seriously Becoming Bi-Polar...

2006-09-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

Seriously, can you do that? Can someone just develop bi-polar syndrome (is it even a syndrome)? I'm wondering because more and more I am beginning to feel like I am on this completely mental rollercoaster ride... I have a job I love and I am really good at it, and at the same time my life is a complete mess. I used to have a job I was good at that sucked and drove me to tears on a regular basis, and a relationship that depsite it problems made me quite happy. It's just never good all round is it? I guess it is just karma's way of balancing out the universe.

Earlier this year I began to feel like Karma was givin' it to me nice'n'rough and was seriously pissed at something I had done in a previous life. Granted things are better than that now but it was a tough go for a while there.

Of course this is all stemming from a sit-down with The Ex and all of the emotional entanglements that entails. We met to discuss a few things face-to-face. It was my idea because the back and forth via email jsut leaves so much open to interpretation and there is the waiting for a response and repsonding and then wiating again. Not fun in the least.

So, we met and it was strange this time... I was attempting to explain it to a friend and almost couldn't because the feeling during and after was so strange. Strange and yet familiar and it took me a few days of pondering it before actually figuring out what was going on. I think we could both feel there when we were sitting across from each other. We could feel that the anger had abaited somewhat and could feel some of what was there before it came and invaded my life. We paused a lot and just sat there looking at each other and man I tell ya I miss sitting across from him and just being able to look at him. After some of the tough discussion was over we actually had the chance to jsut speak to each other a little bit like we used to. It always came so easy for us to just sit and discuss whether there was meaning to it or not. It was just a comfort level for me...

What makes me feel bi-polar is that I came away from our meeting feeling good. I got to see him and talk with him and feel something coming back and yet I left angry too because he went back to the sham of a relationship he is in - a relationship with someone he admits to not loving or being completely faithful to. It just seems like such a ridiculous and annoying waste of time as far as I can see and yet he insists that it is something he must do... I just don't understand.

Which leaves me vacilating back and forth between loving and missing that feeling that I caught a glimpse of and then being pissed that he is with someone else and can't seem to just get his shit sorted out. What a mess... in the end it just leaves me longing for what is pictured above.

Tah-Dah...

2006-09-25T00:29:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap did it ever get steamy and gross here in NYC this weekend. OF course it did not help much that the AC is off in my building and it all runs centrally so I got screwed trying to sleep last night. No pun intended.... I came home from the bar alone.

Speaking of the bar, Urge by the way, there was this cute little guy standing in front of me doing what seemed to be the strangest flirting ever... he had his back to me, but would periodically turn and look around and our eyes would meet, then he would sort of shuffle back a bit towards me.... what is that about? I mean he go close enough that he eventually bumped my shoes and it;s not like the place was packed. So, come on! If you wanna flirt that is the weirdest way to do it. I admit it he was cute and I totally would have chatted him up (and perhaps not come home alone) but he didn't way a word and just kept moving back a little bit at a time.... so strange.

So, I left early (had to work and wasn't really into it) and left my friend there who I must say managed to have a better time than me. He got back home around 5:00 am...

Work was crazy today and I didn't even get a lunch break. I am learning some new scheduling templates and the first time always takes like ten times longer than it should. But it worked out so all is good. What was amusing about today was that I met three of the trashiest women I have ever seen. Three generations of Pure Jersey White Trash (that is officially your title once you hit the third generation). Grandma was in burgundy sweats and green flip flops while her daughter... let's call her Ol' Fake Tits had some of the biggest hair I have ever seen. Meanwhile the grandaughter who I think may have gotten her fakes for her eighteenth birthday present was a sight to behold.

You know they call them Jersey Girls for a reason and I tell ya it gets more and more true all the time. I guess I shouldn't be so cruel. They were actually kind of nice in the end (after making an ill-fated attempt at ordering me to do something). I had to lay down some ground rules and it was all good following that.

Ack, so it is too hot in here to sleep again and if only I had someone like the pic above to keep my mind off of it I would get some rest (eventually right?).

My Head Hurts and I'm Horney...

2006-09-21T00:12:00.000-04:00

So, I have had a headache for two days! It's killing me. Usually I am the type of person who tries to stay away from pills and drugs to try to overcome such things but this is seriously beyond what I can handle. I am going to have to get some meds tomorrow if this thing is still hanging on.

Fall TV is beginning and I seriously wish that I did not enjoy it as much as I do. Aside from my all time fav Project Runway, I managed to catch the premiere of Nip/Tuck. What an absolutely awesome show. I am definitely going to try to see some more of it. That and Studio 60. I will watch anything that is written by Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, several of his episodes of the West Wing brought me to full on tears. His writing is brilliant and I love that he holds no punches when sticking it to the Right. Republican suck. As we all heard over and over again here in NYC while the UN General assembly met. I just wish that this country could get it figured out. We are far from perfect to the North but we really have managed to get passed a lot of the stupid shit that seems to hold up the government down here. Seriously, government hearings over Janet Jackson's boobs! Gimme a goddamn break.

Back to TV... on the BBC America there is this Shipwrecked show that I managed to catch a few episodes of like a year ago and I have managed to find it again. It kills me to watch all of those gorgeous tropical sunsets with tanned boys wearing next to nothing. It's a great show - there's no voting off the island or eating bugs. It's all about creating communities and welcoming in new members and convincing them to stay. What a great idea.... maybe something we need more of over here? That and the boys are so so cute. And of course the Brits don't shy away from throwing in a few mo's for all of us gay boys to watch. Actually all of the guys are British so they are walking a fine line as it is. I managed to find a pic of two of them.... I wanna go there and yum.

Okay, so headache gone tomorrow. Done.